General Feeling Foolish

[LilBit]

I know if you are a spouse or blood relative it is another story. But if you are a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, coworker or whatever other relationship is possible..... do you ever just feel foolish when you keep trying not to give up on your sufferer? When someone isolates, pushes you away, cuts you off, and maybe you don't even really know where you stand... do you ever just feel so stupid and kind of embarrassed? I'm sure this occurs in marriage or blood family too, when others who don't know about ptsd weigh in and don't know the reasons behind your choices. But for me, right now, I just feel like an idiot. My friend says her family understands and I don't and I don't know if it is permanent, but right now I am on the do-not-contact list. I am beginning to just feel like a fool and say if that's how it is, I guess I am done. I can't work with nothing. Can't learn to relate better with someone who can't relate at all. I didn't give up on my friend, she gave up on me. How long do I prop the door open before I close it and consider her just gone?

 

[amethist]

How long do I prop the door open before I close it and consider her just gone?

This is really up to you, but the best thing you can do for yourself, is to get on with your life. If she contacts you and wants to pick up where she left off then go with it, if she does not, say in the next month or so, you may have to consider this the end of the friendship.

Either way, taking care of yourself is more important right now.

 

[nursenurse]

Agree with Amethist. It may not be the PTSD, it may be that person was not that into you. I read somewhere "Do not give someone the key to your own happiness." If that is what this has become, then it certainly is time to let go. Look after yourself, get out with friends, travel, whatever makes you feel good about you. I'd be really cautious if that person came back, it's the letting out and reeling back in that causes one to suffer so much. Life is too short. And there truly are other people out there who will realize your worth and want to talk to you and be with you. Been there, done that in spades. It isn't easy at the beginning, but so very worth it in the end. Good luck :)

 

[LilBit]

I swing between sadness and anger. She told me I would give up on her, everybody always does. Of course they do when she always bails first. I am a trigger for her but I am willing to learn the changes I need to make to stop. (I am a big trigger for her emotions. She lost her mother and I do/say/act more like a mom than she has had since hers died. Says she doesn't know how to handle that.) She won't/can't give anyone time to educate and adjust. Learn how to relate to her. And her communication skills about her ptsd are poor. Someone has already messed up before they even know they have. Or why. It is getting easier, on the back burner cooling off, but I won't totally give up hope. After all she is in the middle of massive upheaval in her life. I know she cares about me but right now her cup is overflowing. Trying to just back off as far as I can, let her know I'm still there.

 

[aj1]

It is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I honestly am so conflicted now. I miss my friend, but I really wonder if that friend I knew, would never reveal herself to me again.

I want to be there, the fact that she doesn't want me there is heart breaking. I just don't think it ever could be what it was. I think you are at this crossroad right now. Like you said, you cant work with nothing. I think for me, my trust factor I had in her is damaged. I honestly didn't think us being over was a real option. Maybe she really just wasn't into me anymore. I just find that so hard to believe.

I don't know how to word this perfectly, but the realization that it can be over at anytime, without discussion, is terrifying for me. I do not see how I can open my heart up like that again. Even if the chance was presented again, I don't know how I could let that happen to myself again. I think in a way, this is how she must have felt and pushed me away. Now that feeling has poisoned my thoughts on the relationship. :(

The biggest conflict for me now is do I really miss her or do I miss the feelings I had with her? I have never connected with someone like her before, but all of the other feelings I have, those could be recreated with someone else. Because of that I do feel a bit foolish. I think I really know more of what I want from a relationship now, and she cannot offer that to me at this time. I don't know if she will ever be able to offer them, but what I do know, is she is not willing to try right now.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I don't know how to word this perfectly, but the realization that it can be over at anytime, without discussion, is terrifying for me. I do not see how I can open my heart up like that again. Even if the chance was presented again, I don't know how I could let that happen to myself again. I think in a way, this is how she must have felt and pushed me away. Now that feeling has poisoned my thoughts on the relationship.

In my experience, you worded that perfectly. That is exactly how I feel with my ex. Break-up by avoidance/ isolation/ retreat has made me question so much about the relationship, about him. I try not to, but it is human nature. It is the worst part, in my opinion. The fact that I could so easily, or seemingly easily, be thrown away hurts me to my soul. And how can I blame him if it is PTSD? I can't hold it against him, not really. Deep down I want to be important enough to him for him to fight for us, to try, to go back to therapy...something. But, I know that is expecting too much. And, yet I cannot give up on him on as a person, as a friend. It's just very hard.

 

[ill]

Lil Bit, I had a friend who sounds a little too similar to yours for comfort. Everyone always left her, everyone but her was responsible for her feelings, she could/would not convey her feelings but I was somehow supposed to know them and respond the way she wanted me to without her even telling me how she wanted me to respond, she was not willing to make any adjustments or give anyone the benefit of the doubt but I was expected to do that endlessly - am I reading and understanding what you've written correctly by thinking there's a similarity? How do you feel after you've spent the day with her? How often have you been able to enjoy, just enjoy, her company? Are you a people-pleaser?

I don't want to project my situation onto yours, but there are a few things that sound like red flags to me. In my case, this friendship was toxic and abusive. There was no room for my feelings or needs in this relationship, everything revolved around her. She didn't communicate her wants and needs, but I was punished whenever I failed to meet them. I often felt confused and hurt by my interactions with her; they were destabilizing. I was actually the one in our friendship with PTSD, but as someone with PTSD, it's my responsibility to learn how to effectively communicate my wants and needs, and not to inflict my suffering on other people. No matter the reason, you do not deserve to be treated poorly. You were willing to consider her needs and make adjustments not to trigger her - that's an amazing thing. And if it is foolish, it's the best, most lovely kind of foolish there is. It sucks that she may not have received your kindness as such, but that doesn't mean it was any less kind or wonderful a gift to give.

 

[aj1]

Another thing, I really feel terrified to reach out. I do not want to cause her any harm. I so badly want to help, but am just so afraid I will make her worse. I really have no reason to think this other than my own speculation over some of what she shared with me. I know she was struggling some days, and I know she was so strong 99% of the time I was with her. There was a lot more time that I was not around her, and all I can do now is speculate.

I hate that feeling. The internal debate of leave her alone for her own good, or try to be there because I want to think she needs me as a positive in her life. As some have said on here, we cannot save them. I feel guilty in both scenarios. I also feel guilty now that I have over analyzed this whole thing and in that I may have passed judgement on her.

Trying to find answers in the silence is insanity.

 

[nursenurse]

In the end, you have to decide what is best for you, and for you only. It sounds selfish, but if you do not look after yourself, you will never be any good for anyone else. Pass judgement, whatever. You have to deal with the hand you have, and if a card is missing, you have to make decisions based on what is there. And never feel guilty about the decisions you need to make to keep your own life happy and positive. No one should be dragged down, even if involved in a difficult relationship.

 

[LilBit]

Ill, I do not think my friendship with my sufferer was toxic or abusive exactly, she's not malicious in any way. Very passive. I don't even think she is purposely passive-aggressive. Just complicated. She was my supervisor. She has another workplace friend who is very jealous of anyone else trying to befriend her and likes to cause division. Most of her coworkers and those she supervises think she is bipolar, have no clue about ptsd or her trauma history. Making personal friends with a ptsd sufferer in a veritable fishbowl was not a great idea. I knew her for over 5 years and although I did not know the label or reasons for it until last year, just knew she was a nervous wreck with health issues, I was always dialed into her symptoms on a daily basis. Toxic is a strong word, draining fits better. Now I understand why her best friend is ok with her long isolations. She knows I find her very frustrating. Because I got tired fast of it always revolving around her, not because I don't understand, but because she cannot communicate her needs well. She's so caught up in her own struggle to function it's hard for her to acknowledge the other person has needs too. Or I guess she does, she says things like "you need somebody like so-and-so, I don't care about people like that, I'm messed up you don't need me,etc." Tries to warn you off before you get hurt. And because it takes TIME for a normal person to begin to understand, I feel like I was out at two strikes, not even three. I had hoped that when she moved away, it would allow us to transition into a normal friendship. Without the complications of the workplace, maybe her anxiety would lessen and we could communicate better.

Oh yes and time with her is rare but truly enjoyable.

 

[LilBit]

And if it is foolish, it's the best, most lovely kind of foolish there is. It sucks that she may not have received your kindness as such, but that doesn't mean it was any less kind or wonderful a gift to give.

Awww, you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

 

[aj1]

I feel like such an idiot. Here I am two months later, with a handful of texts back and forth and one email that she has not responded to. I don't want to believe she lost feelings for me. I just want back what we had.

I have this stupid hope that I cannot shake. I feel selfish not wanting it to be over. I have thought really hard on why I miss her. Do I miss our friendship? Do I miss our intamacy? Do I miss the feelings of a relationship? I miss all of the above.

Am I willing to just have one part of the above without the others? I think so, but then I think maybe I am just lusting after her, and I am a terrible person.

And as I said earlier, the silence is insanity. She obviously cannot reply to my email where I poured my heart out. She cannot return those feelings to me.

I don't want this to sound cold, but why am I willing to accept this. I know why, because my life has been void of love for 8 years. Why do I even think this was love.

So I am a fool. I come here daily, read all that I can and have a much greater understanding compared to where I was 60 days ago. All for not at this point. I think I need to just log out and never look back.