General Feeling Frustrated

[Captain Reynolds]

One of the many things that I find hard to deal with about living with someone with PTSD is that I find myself having to take the blame for things that I personally find stupid.

Case in point. we are walking down the road. someone is coming towards us and unbeknownst to me my wife moves across to let him past. I then move to the other side so he can past. as soon as he is past she starts exploding at me for moving when she had already moved, saying she thought everyone was looking at her and thinking she was a pratt. I am a fairly laid back guy and don't get angry very easily, sometimes to my own detriment. I didn't see what the issue was and didn't appreciate being shouted at over something so trivial. If I had done something majorly annoying then I accept getting a bollocking but for something stupid like this it really annoys me as I REALLY hate being shouted at.

I try to be supportive and understand that there are differences in what we both perceive as things to get upset about but sometimes that gap is just a little to far and I feel like I am just getting crap and have to take it without standing up for myself cos if I do then she will accuse me of not understanding her. surely there's got to be a middle ground to be found here

Anyone else have a hard time dealing with this.

 

[lcb]

My husband does not have ptsd. I was diagnosed with it I don't think I really have it that bad. I just did exposure therapy and I feel great.

But I am realizing that my husband is emotional abusive. Its not ok for someone to get Angry at you if this happens a lot. Its okay to get angry at the situation. I have been to 2 Therapist and they both have said this to me. . Also have met him, I think I needed to hear from them because he broke me down so much I didn't know what was going on. I am very laid back person as well and feel like I have allowed this. I read something online how this behavior is one of those things that kill a marriage.

I am by no means an expert. Just how I am feeling now. This is very new to me. I just approached my husband last week at our couples therapy about this.

 

[Kaii]

Yes, but not from your perspective, but your significant other. I have done this exact same type of thing to mine as well. I will give you an example:

We went to visit a local attraction that we had never been to before last weekend. Because we had never been there, I got the directions off their website. When we got in the car, my SO put in our destination in the GPS and it gave a different route to get there and he started driving. I had a complete meltdown.

Now, let me explain why:

I was stressed out enough about going to this place. I had never been there before. There were going to be a lot of variables that I felt uncomfortable about, the strangers that would be there, being in a different environment, feeling unsafe, etc. The only thing I had any control and prior knowledge on was the fact that I had these directions to this place printed out and clutched in my hand and when even that was taken away from me, I freaked out.

Would the GPS had gotten us there as well? Absolutely.

You need to ask her why she acts the way she does, I suspect there may be reasons that don't make sense to you but do completely to her.

Also consider the fact that PTSD fills your stress cup to the brim and any little, normal everyday stress added to it, tends to make your cup full of stress overflow.

 

[DMerish]

I'm unclear as to how you saw your wife snapping as a PTSD symptom/behavior. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm just unclear.

 

[Sasha]

Those of us with PTSD can be a bit (a lot) temperamental. But, sometimes someones/anyone's irritation to a perceived slight should not be confused with PTSD. Sometimes it's personality combined with our own mental anguish. For instance, all of us can be overwhelmed by things and vent. Yes, those of us with PTSD are more overwhelmed than your average person. However, ALL of us can perceive something irritable and vent - and I would hope that we would catch where we went wrong and apologize. I hate to use PTSD as an excuse for when I'm annoyed and it is not an excuse to be repeatedly abusive and hurtful. Sometimes, I'm just in a bad mood. PTSD shouldn't define my every behavior. I have worked hard to become self aware of my weakness and why something isn't quite right. But sometimes I am triggered and I just don't handle things very well, which is probably more often than your average person. But, I would hate myself if I did it all the time. Sometimes, I prefer to just be alone. It's just easier on everyone that way when I'm not feeling well.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your wife sounds overly controlling and overly reactive to stupid little things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I know that I personally couldn't deal with someone like that as I need to be around calm people who don't needlessly add to my stress for stupid things like allowing another simply pass by. She has no right to berate you like that.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have PTSD. In no universe would it be ok for me to yell at my partner under those circumstances. PTSD is not a blank check for being abusive.

 

[just keep swimming]

I have ptsd. Here's my opinion and thats all it is.

Anything you think is stupid or unjustified from your wife, will result in exactly what has happened. This over time will build up and stress you out, if you walk egg shells your patience will run out.

My thoughts are that, your wife is also walking egg shells.It is extremely difficult for a non-sufferer to make any sense of someone who is suffering PTSD. You may see such minor things as stupid and that is understandable and common.

If you are able to change the word stupid to sensitive, and when you come across these times see it that your wife is sensitive you may be able to accept that your wife does not mean to be this way. Try saying 'OK my love no problem' take her hand and the next time you have a on comming passer by, navigate it together. still holding hands.

Make it fun, try to talk about what you can see, a building a bird or a tree. The more you talk about where your going and keep her mind on that the less she may be concerned about every step she takes and who has done what.

My friend if you can take any of this adapt it your way or even if it helps you think of something else, you have my admiration.

Regards, a surviver

 

[radicalgratitude]

Have you read Dead Link Removed? It has really helped me when dealing with difficult people. I also agree with the others who commented that PTSD is not an excuse for poor behavior. There are plenty of us out there who are reasonably easy to live with. It is a personal choice that we have made.

 

[Captain Reynolds]

Wow thank you everyone. that helped from a lot of different perspectives. I want to answer to a few points that have come up here but want to give it some time to get my thoughts organised properly.

Firstly I apologise if I used the PTSD thing in the wrong context. My wife as PTSD as well as agoraphobia, social phobia and depression and sometimes if something happens that has to do with one of those things it can just be quicker and easier to say PTSD instead of listing every single thing. I dont want to come across like I am trying to incorrectly blame her problems on the wrong conditions it just is a little simpler and easier to read if i do it like this. I really appreciate the input from everyone and Thank you all.

I have started to feel more like I am on egg shells around her and that more and more she wants me to be changing my behaviour to make it easier to live with her conditions but she isnt seeking help for it at the same time as she has tried in the past (some years ago) and it was just to hard for her to face. I have always tried to gently suggest she get some help for this but nothing happens. Tell me, is it fair on me to change how i do things to make everything easy for her if she isnt willing to do something herself and try and get help. I feel like i am only going to make things stay the same if not make them get worse if I am constantly making it nice and cosy for her and keeping her happily being able to function without facing her issues. On the other hand does being kept safe from the stresses and things that set your anxieties going give you a place for some confidence and courage to grow on its own. I dont know but I want to do SOMETHING.

 

[radicalgratitude]

So basically she wants a codependent relationship with you. Read everything you can on this before you get sucked in. Good for you for noticing it now.

 

[just keep swimming]

Hello Captain R.

Well I must say I am learning with you from reading these posts. I was once a agoraphobic, I was too afraid to be awake let alone leave my home. I was around 22-23 then, my circumstances were completely different, i was single and living alone. Had i not got a therapist i don't even dare to think where I would be now.

If your wife won't and i can understand that, how do you mold or cater for these things? Sounds so difficult in every direction for you and it must be exactly that for your wife also.

What do you do? I wish i knew. Is medication enough if she won't seek help in the therapy fields.

My thoughts are with you. The only thing that pops into my head and I am only sharing them and by no means suggesting. Have you shown her this thread??