Feeling Genuinely Deceived...

[Deleted member 39857]

Let's get right to it, in August last year my wife was talking to a guy on her iPad and it made me uncomfortable so I asked her to delete all his info which she did in front of me. Maybe 2-3 weeks ago I realized I hadn't checked in a while and there it was only it was on her brand new iPad I had bought her for Christmas when it was all I could afford to get her, put it on our mobile account through my work. After verifying with coworkers how iCloud and everything works there's no way it should've been there. I immediately was heartbroken and asked her to leave. Turns out she's been talking to other men since 2010 and back then even sent them photos of her breasts. My wife. That's, that's my wife. Now maybe by the second night into our separation a very close female friend sent me a picture revealing that she's had feelings about me for years but just wasn't the type of person to interfere in a marriage. Now her pic was very tasteful you could put it in Maxim. I felt very alive and excited like someone knows I'm alive and she always thought I deserved better. My wife has spent the past 3 years plus just not working, not doing anything around the house, and gained 100 pounds easily. My doctor even my boss all after learning about my friend and seeing pictures of my home life and my wife all agreed that it was probably a great thing for me. Then I learned that I was just a contestant on a game show or at least it's how I felt finding out she was talking to 4 guys. I have no trust now. My wife has promised me to never talk to any man in that way again and is trying to be here for me. She has had a friend working out with her and she has started actively seeking employment and changed her diet. She was. I'm not trying to be a jerk but in a marriage it's different.
Sex is the same repetitive action even after agreeing to a new plan, she's not bothering to do her hair or makeup and she was for a week or so, diet reverted, not working out. I feel like maybe I made the wrong choice. The friend said she always talked to guys as friends which I have had girl friends in the past where that's true, they get along better with guys vs girls as friends. The friend in all honesty also has 2 kids which she even has said she loves the way I am with her kids. She's 27 I'm 39 my wife 33. She's beautiful my wife used to be. I am married and have always been faithful and never strayed and taken my vows seriously. I just feel like I could've had everything I wanted but I pushed my friend away and let my wife back but I feel like my wife just doesn't care and wanted back and now she doesn't care anymore. Oh yes I forgot once I told my friend I was going to give my wife a chance she totaled her new Camry and I think it was my fault. I went to tell her one day after the accident that I was trying with my wife, to make it clear. Dum dum I am instead after she pleaded with me not to give my wife another chance that my wife would just stop caring like she has and my friend expressed how she felt I kissed her, twice. I have to be honest the only thing that probably stopped it from going further was she was in pain from her accident. I'm lost just wanted something beautiful and genuine, it was never dirty but soft and it felt genuine and I kicked her boat down stream believing falsely in my wife. Help me Obi Wan you're my only hope...

 

[Freedomfighter]

Let's get right to it, in August last year my wife was talking to a guy on her iPad and it made me unco...

Oh boy, where to start. I am a female, and gotta say both of these females are not doing the right thing. One of them is talking to other guys and the other one is moving in on you while you are struggling to stay faithful within a marriage?

The second female, the friend, might be much worse than your wifey. That second female knows you are extremely vulnerable right now.

Believe me, those kind of females are worse than vultures. The one that is trying to move in on you while being married has the most vile intentions you can imagine. Trust me on that one please. I have watched female vultures like that before, they have single handedly destroyed marriages, trapped the guys with kids they did not want and have caused suicides amongst such innocent victims.

The female friend is victimizing you, no one, no one, should ever ever move in on you while you are already in a relationship. It doesn't matter whether that relationship is a happy relationship or a difficult one. Someone that moves in on you during such times is a vulture, is someone that will not treat you right.

 

[Deleted member 39857]

Agreed with an update on that. I have decided to give it another chance with my wife. Actions speak louder than words, and it turns out after hours and days of us talking that's really all that my wife did, talk. To people she's never met at that. So here's a weird kicker, the friend kept saying she wasn't ready for a relationship but felt I needed to be alone for a while before we could consider any relationship. That was on 2/18 then on her Facebook she's "in a relationship" on 2/25. Now I didn't even look until today but I now feel vindicated in my path of trust and my thinking about what to do with my heart. I told my wife you made me really mad and really sad and I wanted her to take it seriously. That's why at least I'm glad I never went any further than I did with the friend. If anything I think how I felt about the whole situation a little bit was kind of like in the movie the Dark Knight, when Gordon catches the Joker. "We got him Harvey." I realized the friend after analyzing her more has had a history of either trying or succeeding in causing other couples including her previous relationship to collapse. My wife and I are genuinely trying for each other and the friend has happily disappeared from our lives. We don't know what the future holds for us but we are dedicated to each other and realized we were missing each other. We make each day count. Here's to the rest of my problems now! Thanks again Freedom Fighter!

 

[Deleted member 39857]

Agreed with an update on that. I have decided to give it another chance with my wife. Actions speak lou...

P.S., I made my decision to stay with my wife out of love and history we have with each other, NOT because it didn't potentially work out with the friend. We both laughed at all of this! Pure joke we toyed with making a 1,000+ copies of the pic she sent and just putting them all over town. Nah we're better than that but funny !

 

[Blue Survivor]

As a female I can tell you that I have never and would never cheat, even emotionally, on a partner. With that being said, I have been in relationships that started out great but the effort on the man's part disappeared once I lived with them or had been with them for some time. I'd always bring this to the man's attention and he usually would work on putting more effort in. Sometimes he wouldn't, and those are the ones I didn't see a need to continue dating or living with. Now, with that being said...I have never and would never cheat, even emotionally, on a partner. HOWEVER, if I were to talk to a man outside of my relationship it would likely be because I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship.

So I have to wonder: have you recently stopped putting enough effort into the relationship, and that has caused your wife to care less about her appearance? Do you compliment your wife, tell her you'd love her at any size, have meaningful connections & conversations with her? Because if you do then I don't see a reason she would feel the desire to talk to other men in a romantic sense.

As far as the woman with the children: I agree with the other posts about her targeting you. Think about it. You have a house and the means to support her and the kids, and she knows this. Isn't it too much of a coincidence that she's just "revealing" her feelings for you NOW, when it looks like there's a vacancy in your house?

 

[BlueOrange]

So, you're talking to your therapist about this, right?

 

[Gamera3000]

I agree with the other advice already given, 100%. Definitely agree that you should talk to a therapist about it. It kind of sounds to me like you have a sense that this is behind you. I think that's a dangerous thought.

I have the misfortune of having heard both sides of my sister's non-marriage for the past 10 years or so. They aren't married, but live and behave as if they were. My sister has times where she cheats on her dude, the father of her kids, to a ridiculous degree. Sometimes she cheats on the person she is cheating with. So she'll have multiple guys going at once. I beg her to leave the dude, but she won't. I beg her to think of her kids, but she does not understand that the behavior hurts her kids. The dude spends half of his time being burly and yelling and the rest of the time crying and being submissive to her. I think both types of behavior fuels her poor choices. I'm telling you this because sometimes you have to accept that the person you're with is doing sh*tty things and the answer to that is to hold them accountable, not to sink to the same level. If your wife clearly knows that this behavior will not be tolerated and you will leave if it continues, it should encourage her to rise to YOUR level.

As to taking care of herself...I am a somewhat fit person married to a fat person. You have to accept that your partner is fat. That is her business. Stay positive about her size, whatever it is. If you compliment her when she dresses up and does her makeup she will do it more often. You could encourage her by getting her a gift certificate to a store she likes and say something like, "I thought you deserved a treat." Honestly, if she gained weight and thinks it bothers you that may be part of why she was being slutty with other people. I am certain that is part of my sister's problem. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 39857]

In response first to Blue Survivor, we had sat down as I think I said my wife and I, and dragged the past out into the light. Back then in 2010 I wasn't the same person. She had a miscarriage and I had been clean off drugs but after it happened I slipped after being good for over 6 years. She mourned alone while I went off and relapsed alone. I was angry at God then not her. I made that clear to her but I caused collateral damage to her with my unthoughtfulness. Been good for years again since but we should've been together I realized now. We realized now. She was upset with me and thought I was a lost cause back then. Turns out her iTunes account wasn't updated recently when she got the new iPad at Christmas. So it was in there from the last time it was updated a long time ago. Had coworkers check into it I work for a major cell phone provider. So things took two to tango but I am taking it pretty hard realizing I was a bad husband then. I love my wife and we love each other and always have and realize we both have but just spent some time being not so loving to each other however we have found a way to relight the flame. And currently seeking a new doctor as mine has decided that she can't see me, see my other post on that. We are really going to try. If I didn't love her it wouldn't hurt when I tried to leave her just the friend trying really confused my brain. But she the friend sounds verbatim like Gamera3000 description from her past relationship, her ex is a close friend. Thanks everyone! I know we have a long road...