You know I thought what was being asked for here was perhaps some balance, and I thought that this was an open-ish question/debate to help you perhaps in case you were seeing this situation through PTSD glasses.
I can see that perhaps it wasn't supposed to be so open and perhaps you just needed to feel better about the decision you wanted to make. Although I do know it gets easier to make some decisions if we can discuss them out loud, I am wondering why you needed to bring it to the forum to discusss again having already chewed over this with your friends in real world and they were telling you the same thing.
Just a question...but are you sure you have made the right decision?
Because if I needed to decide something and wasn't sure and needed to get some back up I think I would have got enough of it by now if this was the way I truely and genuinely wanted to go.
Unless perhaps you don't trust any of it, and I understand that too...trust is very difficult especially when we have PTSD and it does have to begin with ourselves. And learning to trust ourselves is so very hard to start when we have been so afraid to go with it, but I do think you know that. We have to be able to trust ourselves some to know how and be able to begin to trust others again. But maybe that wasn't the issue.
Of course if you are wanting to let go of guilt then that is something else entirely..I think you need to get into it with your DIARY, really work through with this in there and perhaps try figure where the guilt of this is maybe coming from. Or even if it is "guilt" you are feeling.
Do you feel guilt?
It it real or imagined?
Do you honestly think you need to be feeling guilt?
Why do you feel guilt?
Because if this is the case then I do think you are going to keep being plagued by "guilt" over and over again, UNLESS you begin to work on it and understand yourself on this better perhaps. And believe me when I say I know what that feels like, I think a lot of us here know what that feels like. So please know you aren't alone in any of this.
So I would like to suggest that working on yourself and your traumas; really getting to grips with some of it, might be really helpful for you at the moment. And getting in touch more with your emotions might be really helpful in that; you may find that it isn't guilt at all.
When I have gone through my emotions here I have found that they begin to be more "open"- and by that I mean the emotions start to open up more and branch out and perhaps sometimes I can see better what my emotions really are and where they are really coming from.
Just a suggestion that has helped me and maybe it might help you too. I hope it can. And I didnt necessarily start with the big emotions, because they can start to feel perhaps a little like they are all or nothing and we know what that feels like hey...
No I began to try to write them on days when I was just kind of there and maybe just "ish" if you know what I mean by that...I just mean not so wild and out there emotionally... so I began and the more I started to acknowldeg and put names on certain things I was feeling the easier it got...actually easier isnt the right word but it isn't the all or nothing stuff we are necessarily used to.
All of this is just my opinion, you dont have to take any of it on, but you already know that. PTSD is so very challenging isn't it? It can get us quite "bothered" sometimes and we don't always know why. And unless we begin to work on it we may never know why. But only you can work on it and again no one can do it for you or tell you how to feel either. Everything we all go through is very valid to us, every emotion and each day so much changes again. PTSD don't you just hate it. But please know and remember it can be managed, it doesnt have to keep sideswiping us.
I hope this helps somehow, and maybe if it doesn't help you, please remember it may well help someone else reading here. This open forum is just so amazing in that, I have found it has helped me begin to manage my PTSD so much better. I hope that you will begin to manage your PTSD more and better also.
Take good care
~fin
I really hope that constructive advice was what you were asking for ...I may still have this wrong though and I apologise if this is the case. Again I hope it all works out for you. I know that this isn't easy and from your name I get some of where you are coming from. Take care
I can see that perhaps it wasn't supposed to be so open and perhaps you just needed to feel better about the decision you wanted to make. Although I do know it gets easier to make some decisions if we can discuss them out loud, I am wondering why you needed to bring it to the forum to discusss again having already chewed over this with your friends in real world and they were telling you the same thing.
Just a question...but are you sure you have made the right decision?
Because if I needed to decide something and wasn't sure and needed to get some back up I think I would have got enough of it by now if this was the way I truely and genuinely wanted to go.
Unless perhaps you don't trust any of it, and I understand that too...trust is very difficult especially when we have PTSD and it does have to begin with ourselves. And learning to trust ourselves is so very hard to start when we have been so afraid to go with it, but I do think you know that. We have to be able to trust ourselves some to know how and be able to begin to trust others again. But maybe that wasn't the issue.
Of course if you are wanting to let go of guilt then that is something else entirely..I think you need to get into it with your DIARY, really work through with this in there and perhaps try figure where the guilt of this is maybe coming from. Or even if it is "guilt" you are feeling.
Do you feel guilt?
It it real or imagined?
Do you honestly think you need to be feeling guilt?
Why do you feel guilt?
Because if this is the case then I do think you are going to keep being plagued by "guilt" over and over again, UNLESS you begin to work on it and understand yourself on this better perhaps. And believe me when I say I know what that feels like, I think a lot of us here know what that feels like. So please know you aren't alone in any of this.
So I would like to suggest that working on yourself and your traumas; really getting to grips with some of it, might be really helpful for you at the moment. And getting in touch more with your emotions might be really helpful in that; you may find that it isn't guilt at all.
When I have gone through my emotions here I have found that they begin to be more "open"- and by that I mean the emotions start to open up more and branch out and perhaps sometimes I can see better what my emotions really are and where they are really coming from.
Just a suggestion that has helped me and maybe it might help you too. I hope it can. And I didnt necessarily start with the big emotions, because they can start to feel perhaps a little like they are all or nothing and we know what that feels like hey...
No I began to try to write them on days when I was just kind of there and maybe just "ish" if you know what I mean by that...I just mean not so wild and out there emotionally... so I began and the more I started to acknowldeg and put names on certain things I was feeling the easier it got...actually easier isnt the right word but it isn't the all or nothing stuff we are necessarily used to.
All of this is just my opinion, you dont have to take any of it on, but you already know that. PTSD is so very challenging isn't it? It can get us quite "bothered" sometimes and we don't always know why. And unless we begin to work on it we may never know why. But only you can work on it and again no one can do it for you or tell you how to feel either. Everything we all go through is very valid to us, every emotion and each day so much changes again. PTSD don't you just hate it. But please know and remember it can be managed, it doesnt have to keep sideswiping us.
I hope this helps somehow, and maybe if it doesn't help you, please remember it may well help someone else reading here. This open forum is just so amazing in that, I have found it has helped me begin to manage my PTSD so much better. I hope that you will begin to manage your PTSD more and better also.
Take good care
~fin
I really hope that constructive advice was what you were asking for ...I may still have this wrong though and I apologise if this is the case. Again I hope it all works out for you. I know that this isn't easy and from your name I get some of where you are coming from. Take care
