Feeling Guilty For Seeking Help

[trapped]

Don't have time to write a lot of details, but here's the basics:

I've been asking my therapist for quite some time now to help me work on the flashbacks and dissociation, specifically asking for grounding techniques. She knew I was concerned about the 4th. I've been talking about it for months now. Or trying to talk about it. That hasn't been going so well. She keeps making comments like "you'll be fine" or "just remember it's in the past, so flashbacks shouldn't bother you cuz they can't hurt you"... and those are the nicer comments she makes... and she specializes in trauma. It's irritating and frustrating when she won't give me the help I ask for.

So I didn't meet with her today, because I told her she could let me know when she is ready to put her own agenda aside and actually listen to my needs, so that I can feel safe and feel okay with trusting her. She hasn't listened to me so far. So I made some phone calls, talked to a therapist that sounded fairly nice on the phone, and was one I had been considering working with for a while before I started to get attached to my current one. I have issues where even if my therapist is treating me in a crappy unethical way, I'll still get really attached to them, especially if I've already trusted them with traumatic memories and such, and it's hard for me to accept it's okay to work with someone else, and it's hard for me to not feel abandoned, even if I choose to stop working with the therapist cuz I feel like if it wasn't a good match, it's my fault.

But I'm feeling REALLY guilty right now because in about half an hour, I'm meeting with a different therapist. I am so worried about my safety tomorrow and NEED to talk to a professional therapist about my concerns, fears, flashbacks, triggers, and how to keep myself safe. Especially cuz I had plans, backup plans, and backup backup plans even, and all that fell through, and I'm going to be alone on the 4th, so it felt REALLY urgent and important that I speak to a professional... even though I don't really want to spend the money, and there's this huge thought lingering over me telling me I'm not worth the money since this therapist I'm meeting with is even more expensive- though maybe if I go in I can try to get her to work with me on a sliding scale, right now I didn't push the issue I just need someone to talk to today... and I've been thinking about finding a new T anyway, so if I like this one today, I may just work with her instead, I don't know.

But I feel guilty. Like I've betrayed my T by meeting with this other T today. Even though my current therapist hasn't been giving me the help I need... I'm not sure if this one can either, I figure even if I just have this ONE appointment, it's better than nothing. I REALLY need to talk to a professional today and look out for my own needs- I've been trying to be proactive, but my therapist has always changed the topic when I bring up the flashbacks and my concerns about my safety on the 4th and how to handle it all.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced any similar situation, probably not, but thought I'd ask. Wanted to get other's opinions on the situation too, part of me feels like I'm doing the right thing looking out for myself, part of me feels like I've betrayed my own therapist and shouldn't go to this appointment this afternoon with this new person.

 

[blackdove]

HI Trapped.

I can totally relate to what you are saying as I have been through this within the last 2 weeks. I am assuming that your therapist is fully qualified, came recommended and is part of an accredited therapists association. I think that's important first of all. I have just turned a new leaf in terms of my therapy and the following is what I would be asking myself and identifying within myself if I were you, which I'm not, so you can decide it there's any value for you in what I'm saying.

You've had a fight with your therapist because you feel out of control. She has a plan to proceed at a different speed than you because she may think you are too vulnerable to confront things head-on. You sound pretty vulnerable. Then, you got angry and pushed her away by trying to book a new therapist but it hasn't worked and you don't feel anything but guilt about having done it. These are normal ways to feel because we are supposed to get frustrated, angry, pushing and pulling all the time during therapy. The therapist probably knows that this is normal. If you are connected to her I think you might be putting too much emphasis on that being your doing rather than the therapist's. I am pretty sure that if the therapist didn't feel some sort of connection with you then he/she would not have kept you on as a client. Regular progress reports every 4 or 5 sessions are times when this sort of thing is normally discussed I think.

So, maybe you are in flight mode, feeling scared and unsafe and have pushed your therapist away at the time when you are most vulnerable. If it were me, I would be txting or calling my the therapist right now to explain what has happened. This is a good way to see how committed she/he is to working with you because any good therapist will be able to talk you into a semi-peaceful head space within about 10 minutes. Well, mine can do that and so maybe I'm just lucky. BUT, I've never been lucky much in the past so will assume that there are lots of good therapists out there.

Sorry to take such a position of self-responsibility but that's just how I read the situation because it is something that I struggle with so often myself. Anyway, if you are totally honest with your therapist, she should do the same to try and match your honesty and this give and take is what creates bonding I think. Hope this helps

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

Hallo trapped!

The one you can betray with breaking a therapheutic relatioship is yourself, but it sounds like you are looking after yourself. Professional therapist's job includes looking after themselves, that's not the clients responsability, naturally it's good to give the best explanation possible. Also in my perspective your doubts about this therapy should at least be material for the therapy until you trust that what is going on between you is what you need the most.
I have experienced a therapist getting jealous when I reached a pshycological breakthrough in a bodywork session outside our work, that wasn't my problem, and I pointed that out and he took it back to himself.

And, I also agree with blackdove!

 

[trapped]

I definitely don't feel guilty any more about booking with this new therapist. I think I may switch to working with this new therapist actually, after talking to both of them about it some more. The new one I met with today, I didn't even tell her I felt unsafe leaving her office, but she said she wasn't going to let me leave until we came up with a plan for me for tomorrow because she didn't feel safe letting me go. We sorta came up with a plan, she's calling to check on me again tonight and I have to have an even more developed, solid plan by then. So hopefully I can come up with SOMETHING. I really truely do hope I can. I'm scared I won't be able to, to be honest. But, she took me seriously, and is really watching out for my safety, and that's the type of therapist I want- even if it means that there's a higher risk of me getting sent to the psych hospital. This new therapist seems like she's a much better fit. I meet with her again on Monday, and I'm looking forward to talking to her about it more then.

 

[blackdove]

That's great - Forget the dumb stuff I said then and go with your gut. A therapist that worries about your safety is the best therapist to have! Am so glad for you really. Great!

 

[blackdove]

And, your plan for tomorrow? I have some ideas that might help. What about a movie-a-thon? Non-stop movies all day long at the theatre. Hopefully you have friends and family that can be with you. I don't and so I guess I would do something like book myself into a motel and pay the owners to check on me every 30 minutes. Or, hire myself a private nurse for a couple of days to move in with me. At the end of the day, as long as you are safe then the details are insignificant. If you want, I can meet you in the chat room sometime. I was there today with some people and it was a bit slow on conversation but was nice to have the company. Let me know. I'm around. Just taking the dog for a walk and buying some milk but I will be here on and off for the next 48 hours or so.

 

[Mina]

part of me feels like I'm doing the right thing looking out for myself, part of me feels like I've betrayed my own therapist

I think you did the right thing. Just because your therapist is a professional and/or trauma specialist does not mean she knows everything...or even that she's tops at her job. If anything, I would say she is betraying you by failing to give you a say in your treatment. It's disrespectful. I don't deal with anyone who is dismissive of me and my concerns when I am paying for their services, whether they are a doctor, veterinarian, mechanic, hair stylist, interior designer, whatEVER. After I was bitten, I even kicked the wound/plastics specialist to the curb because I didn't like his manner or the way he treated his nurse. It's a bit different when you have a longstanding relationship with someone and trust or friendship is involved, but ultimately you are paying for their services...and if those services are not what is best for you, then you should move on.

You pay for their expertise, but that doesn't mean they are always right.

By the way, I am really glad to hear it went well for you with the new person. :smile:

 

[kers]

Mina speaks wisely!

I'm glad you liked this new therapist right off the bat. She sounds much more in sync with the way you operate and what you need.

FInding a safety plan that is going to help will mitigate a lot of the effects of the symptoms. I'm sorry it's going to be a hard day.

 

[trapped]

Blackdove- it would be GREAT to meet in chat. I'm going to be home all day tomorrow by myself. I had considered the movie-a-thon, but not much is playing at the theaters near here, I can't drive, and don't have any friends or family to be with me. I do have a friend who I've scheduled regular times to check in with a few times tomorrow via phone, so that I can be held accountable to NOT take an excess of sleeping pills or whatever, because if I don't call when I'm supposed to, she's gonna call me every 15 minutes and try to reach me 3 times, after that I'll be having the cops show up to check on me if she hasn't been able to reach me.

My normal therapist I have been working with won't have any contact in between appointments, even in emergencies.... this new one I saw today, when I booked the appointment I said I was possibly interested in finding someone new to work with, but was up front and said really I just needed to talk to SOMEONE today and told her it could just be a one time thing. She was okay with that. And she's going to call and check on me randomly a couple times tomorrow. I was shocked she'd be willing to waste her time to check up on me. And she's having me come see her in her office on monday so we can talk in more detail in person, and I'm actually looking forward to it. She called me tonight a couple times, since she continued to give me ideas. And I just realized she was the FIRST person to ever tell me something I really needed to hear, about how no matter what I had done, there was NOTHING I could have done to deserve the type of abuse my father did to me. Seems sort of common sense, but something I sadly really needed to hear and didn't even realize it. It really affected me and helped me a lot though, her saying that.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi Trapped, it sounds like your last therapist was not the person you should be talking to. If you feel uncomfortable with your therapist, you should move on and find another one, otherwise you won't be getting better, only worse!

I am pleased to see that the new therapist is looking after your safety. So many therapists just want to do their time with you and once that's over, they show you the door with no thought of how you're feeling.

Don't feel guilty about changing therapists - it's your therapy and you need to be comfortable!

 

[kers]

How are you doing, Trapped?

 

[2quilt]

How did you do over the evening of fireworks, Trapped?