ErinTheresa
New Here
I can't even begin to explain how the few posts I have read so far have made me feel so much better, so much saner. So, first of all, thank you to all of the people who are on here. I think this is the first time in weeks where I don't feel like a complete lunatic, jerk and horrible person.
I started dating a guy in the army, L, in February. The first two months were some of the best I've ever had. I literally thought I had finally found someone I could be in a relationship with, a relationship that had some staying power. After two months, he was sent for 8 weeks to signal school on a base across the country. We kept in touch the entire time he was gone, talking and text-messaging constantly. We made all sorts of plans for when he returned; he told me how much he cared about me, how he couldn't wait to come back home so that we could be together and move forward in our relationship. While it seemed like the longest 8 weeks of my life, he finally came back. But overnight everything changed.
The backstory on L is that he has been in the army for almost 10 years; has been deployed four times (twice in Afghanistan, twice in Iraq) and most recently was sent orders to be a recruiter. He has never shared what he witnessed and experienced while deployed and most of his friends have urged me not to pry, but instead wait until he volunteered information.
When he returned from his school, he was home for two days and we spent as much time together as both our jobs permitted. Then he sits me down 48-hours after being back, and tells me that he is overwhelmed, doesn't know what he wants anymore and needs time and space. I didn't take this very well. I automatically assumed that he must have found someone else, that I had put pressure on him by telling him how much I cared about him, that he was annoyed by my wanting to spend time together, etc., etc. While he assured me that this had nothing to do with me, I couldn't see past the feeling of rejection I was experiencing. The next week we went back and forth, him trying to "shake himself out of his funk" as I was on the other end of this tightrope trying to navigate this whole thing. It was awkward when we spent time together and when we finally had a drag-out talk, he said that while I was on the same page we had been on when he left and while he was gone, he had stepped off the plane and felt like he had been hit by a truck. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his military career; didn't know if he ever wanted to get married or have kids (something he had talked about wanting very freely when we started dating); didn't know if he wanted a relationship at all. He said all he knew was that before he left he wanted to spend all his free time with me and now he just wanted to be alone, zoning out in front of the tv and to play video games. He hasn't really socialized with his friends; stopped going to the gym that he was so committed to prior to leaving. He feels lost.
I asked him what he needed from me and his response was "time." Always time. So I said that I wanted to respect and appreciate his need for time, but if he didn't even know if he wanted me around, I couldn't be in suspense every day wondering if he would decide to call or decide that today he would want to hang out. We've text-messaged and e-mailed and he says that he still cares but is so upside-down, he needs to get his head on straight. He admitted to having PTSD, that he should probably get help, but can't. He has sworn over and over that he hasn't found someone else. And up until finding this site, I thought for sure this was something I had done and that he was seeing someone else.
We've only known eachother a few months and I care about him tremendously. But how do I know if I should hang in there? Do I move on with my life? How can I be supportive but not over-bearing at the same time? I'm so hurt and sad and angry. I want to be sympathetic, but sometimes it's so hard. I've been in therapy for over three years because I suffer from depression, so I understand to a degree what he is feeling. I want him to want to be in this with me. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
I started dating a guy in the army, L, in February. The first two months were some of the best I've ever had. I literally thought I had finally found someone I could be in a relationship with, a relationship that had some staying power. After two months, he was sent for 8 weeks to signal school on a base across the country. We kept in touch the entire time he was gone, talking and text-messaging constantly. We made all sorts of plans for when he returned; he told me how much he cared about me, how he couldn't wait to come back home so that we could be together and move forward in our relationship. While it seemed like the longest 8 weeks of my life, he finally came back. But overnight everything changed.
The backstory on L is that he has been in the army for almost 10 years; has been deployed four times (twice in Afghanistan, twice in Iraq) and most recently was sent orders to be a recruiter. He has never shared what he witnessed and experienced while deployed and most of his friends have urged me not to pry, but instead wait until he volunteered information.
When he returned from his school, he was home for two days and we spent as much time together as both our jobs permitted. Then he sits me down 48-hours after being back, and tells me that he is overwhelmed, doesn't know what he wants anymore and needs time and space. I didn't take this very well. I automatically assumed that he must have found someone else, that I had put pressure on him by telling him how much I cared about him, that he was annoyed by my wanting to spend time together, etc., etc. While he assured me that this had nothing to do with me, I couldn't see past the feeling of rejection I was experiencing. The next week we went back and forth, him trying to "shake himself out of his funk" as I was on the other end of this tightrope trying to navigate this whole thing. It was awkward when we spent time together and when we finally had a drag-out talk, he said that while I was on the same page we had been on when he left and while he was gone, he had stepped off the plane and felt like he had been hit by a truck. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his military career; didn't know if he ever wanted to get married or have kids (something he had talked about wanting very freely when we started dating); didn't know if he wanted a relationship at all. He said all he knew was that before he left he wanted to spend all his free time with me and now he just wanted to be alone, zoning out in front of the tv and to play video games. He hasn't really socialized with his friends; stopped going to the gym that he was so committed to prior to leaving. He feels lost.
I asked him what he needed from me and his response was "time." Always time. So I said that I wanted to respect and appreciate his need for time, but if he didn't even know if he wanted me around, I couldn't be in suspense every day wondering if he would decide to call or decide that today he would want to hang out. We've text-messaged and e-mailed and he says that he still cares but is so upside-down, he needs to get his head on straight. He admitted to having PTSD, that he should probably get help, but can't. He has sworn over and over that he hasn't found someone else. And up until finding this site, I thought for sure this was something I had done and that he was seeing someone else.
We've only known eachother a few months and I care about him tremendously. But how do I know if I should hang in there? Do I move on with my life? How can I be supportive but not over-bearing at the same time? I'm so hurt and sad and angry. I want to be sympathetic, but sometimes it's so hard. I've been in therapy for over three years because I suffer from depression, so I understand to a degree what he is feeling. I want him to want to be in this with me. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
