Sufferer Feeling Hopeless. Looking For Support

[Slh64]

I recently went to see a therapist for the first time. It was hard. I feel intense social anxiety and talking about my feelings and life make it even harder. She said I may have PTSD based on my behavior emotional state and childhood past of alcoholic parents.

My partner of 4 years has recently walked out on me. He's still around but is keeping his distance and no longer coming home. He has had first hand experience of my mood swings and me becoming suddenly vindictive as has his two young children. I feel ashamed and so alone.

The thought of my emotional distress and inability to simply communicate, coupled with intense sadness, regret, and abandonment as a trauma disorder is more than I can bare. It all makes sense but I don't know what to do and don't have anyone other than my partner that knows about my predicament. I don't have friends only coworkers. I don't know what to do and am overwhelmed with sadness.

 

[Intrepid]

Alcoholic parents make everything hard, even years later. Welcome to the forum!

 

[watundah]

Welcome!

 

[Bloomy]

Welcome and I hope you can find some assistance here on this sight I guess one thing we can do is work on ourselves and our reactions thats might be unhealthy? I hope you find a good therapist or counlser.
Take well care.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

It is awful isn't it! Everything you've said makes complete sense. No one else in your environment speaks your lingo or "gets it". It's intimidating to those who don't understand.

Do you have a regular therapist who will be following you? Do you have anyone to talk to?

It's a journey for sure.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Slh64]

Thank you all for the warm greetings.

Currently I do have a second appointment set up to see my therapist again next month. Other than my partner I don't have anyone else that knows or that I want to know about my partner moving out and my diagnosis of PTSD. I have a tendency to push people away, which now I think May be due to my problamatic childhood.

I've always felt out of touch with others. But I also want a family so badly. With my emotional state as it is an inability to communicate and socialize with others having children around me or one of my own should be the last thing I think about. With the holidays coming up I couldn't help but decorate the house and get all the kids holiday stuff out. Decorate their room I've even got gifts for them. But because of my outbursts and vindictive comments and anger my partner won't let them near me or even has had them over to the house in 2 weeks. I don't understand that it's a big deal and want to plan things and have his family over. But as an idea. When it happens I feel panicky pressured the center of attention and completely left out all at once and stressed even more because I don't know how to act or what to say.

I've made a comment about TV shows being so unrealistic and fairy tale. The person I was watching them with reaction was "no...this is pretty real. This is how people act". The show wasn't Brady bunch, just a loving family drama show I think it was "Parenthood" if anyone's seen it. To me it feels so unattainable to have that happy family that loves each other unconditionally and gets along even when they don't it seems like they do.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I hear you.

I'm glad that you have a 2nd appointment set up. That's a brave but important thing to do. You need some follow up and support - especially at this time of year.

I am really sorry that your partner has decided that distance is better, but I suppose in his shoes, he has to make decisions that he feels are best for himself and his children. Even if he is uninformed on what the real problems are. Maybe he would be willing to join you at a session? Read up on PTSD himself to gain a better understanding of what and why you react to stressors? My husband needed that very badly.

I think it's very sweet of you to set up the rooms for the children and decorate the house. It takes effort and the will to create a festive environment. Again, a strong initiative and strength of character. You aren't nearly as weak and hopeless as you feel.

There may be several options open to you that your therapist may be able to shed some light on. Keep the gifts on the children's beds. They'll be thrilled to receive them - even if it's not this week.

Also, keep in mind that the media will always portray the ideal scenario for the viewer. (or the worst). Speaking only for myself, I want the perfect happy family too. I have a husband and 3 young children. It's not nearly the perfection that any program might want you to think. I count my blessings for sure, but it certainly has it's challenges.

Please keep in touch!