Feeling Incomplete And Inadequate ....

[J_trustno1]

So I went to this friend's farewell party tonight. There were about 60-70 people and I was sitting there on a corner looking like a place holder. I had a inner voice telling me not to go but I still went because I didn't want to rude and I was going to see him in 2 years time so it was important to go.

Anyway, there were speeches going on where his step-father (never knew this until tonight) talking about him being a great son and how they will miss him. That man brought him up since his biological father died. His step-father was so kind and caring who took care of his brother and his mother as well.

I was sitting there thinking that I had a real father, my blood father but all that man did was humiliate me, be-rate me, strangle me and tried killing my mother and forcing suicide on her several times. He is my real father but see how cruel he is?

Then the speeches moved to his Aunty (his mum's sister) who came from US just to his farewell/engagement party tonight. She was talking about he is the eldest child on his mother's side of the family and how he is loved and how they are proud of him and his choices .
As soon as his Aunty gave this speech, I had tears in my eyes because my Aunties beat me up, berated me, were part of forcing me into childhood labor, were emotionally numb to me, verbally abused me and told me off when I complained to one of them about their pedophile husband trying to touch me.

My mood was starting to go down a bit after the speeches. But I tried hiding my emotions really well.

Then there was this another lady who was sitting next to me and we kinda introduced ourselves. She is also from where I am from. Anyway, the conversation was going on and she told me that she came to the party to do something different since she has been tired of doing the routine work (i.e. working, children and husband). I told her that I came here just for my friend but I'm not really a party person so all this is not my type of environment. Then she told me to go get some drinks with her but I told her that I don't drink. Later on she asked if I wanted to grab something to eat but I refused as I didn't feel like eating anything there.
Then she tells me that "You'll never change". I told her that I'm a reserved person and this kind of environment isn't for me and I'm only here for my friend. She then tells me that, " life is too long to be reserved!."

I mean what is wrong being who you are? If you are not comfortable in loud and crowded places, that doesn't mean you don't have a life?

Later on, this another lady who came from Aussie for their party, introduced herself and so did I. We had a good conversation. Then out of nowhere, she asked me "Are you married?". I told her that I am not married.
Then she went on about her partner not being able to come with her and she's been married for 2 years etc etc.

I felt that you are not important and complete if :
a) you don't have a partner because having no partner means you have no life or you are not attractive to people. Oh, majority of them were couples.

b) you don't have a don't have a job.

c) If you don't like what others like.

Lastly, my brother was also invited to this party and it felt kind crap going to a party with your brother although we weren't sitting with each other the whole time. My brother and I are mutual friends to this friend.

I came home and cried about being incomplete and inadequate for not having a good relatives and childhood every child deserves, not having a career right now despite being qualified and being hardworking, and last but not least not having a boyfriend even when average Joe out there has a partner but ME!

 

[J_trustno1]

I feel that I'll never be happy. Nothing ever good will happen in my no matter how hard I work for things. What is the point of life when I am not noticed in the real world and no one is keen enough to hire me and no one is keen enough to be my partner? Is life all about money and getting married and popping kids?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is life all about money and getting married and popping kids?

Sadly, for many people, yes, even just ONE of these things is their only reason for living! Kinda sad.

 

[Seagreen]

You are not inadequate. Those people you spoke to are just on different paths. They don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes. Their comments don't apply. You were just in a room with the wrong crowd of people. A bit like being a Justin Bieber concert full of teeny boppers and wondering why you don't fit in.

I feel that I'll never be happy. Nothing ever good will happen in my no matter how hard I work for things. What is the point of life when I am not noticed in the real world

This sounds a lot to me like depression talking.

 

[jaccat]

There is nothing wrong with living a single life, and it should be no barrier to happiness.
I struggle at social events too. I feel for you. Just try to think that most people aren't even aware what's going in in your head, to them you probably just seem a bit quiet. and that's not strange.
As for the people who gave you those comments. They're entitled to them, but you don't have to agree. You don't have to do anything you don't want. You get to make your own rules and be your own judge on what's right, for you.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Seagreen : Thanks for the reply. Seriously, it wasn't my type of crowd. I couldn't communicate with these people. There was no intellectual talk in this crowd. I don't know, it was my place to be at. I'd rather be in a place with few number of people, who are at the same level of thinking or with similar type of conversations. It was so much easier for me to converse with people at university than I can in real life. I am not trying to be a snob here but the acquaintances I had were at a similar wavelength of thinking that I am. The conversations used to go into much more depth than what I could get at this party. Yes, you are right that I was in a wrong crowd.

Lastly, I am quite depressed due to nothing happening in my life for the last one year. I am being pro-active about my job search and not getting anywhere. I suppose I need to knock a lot more doors till I finally get a job.

 

[J_trustno1]

@jaccat : Thanks for the reply. I wish I could get a valuable experience out of this party. Oh well.

@Solara : Thanks for the reply. Yes, you are right. To some people those are the only goals in life.

 

[Justmehere]

Searching for a job and going to events like this, on top of dealing with crap from your family of origin, can really wreck havoc on one's sense of self worth.

Chances are, many people in that room felt inadequate too. I have met people in life who seemed very successful and had lots of praises heaped on them, but behind closed doors, they were tortured souls, never feeling good enough or capable enough. It was very shocking for me to realize.

You have something many people don't: the courage to face your own struggles and trauma and pain.

 

[Justmehere]

p.s. if marriage was the key to happiness and completeness, then the divorce rate would not be so high. Don't buy into the foolish ideas of people who are likely no happier than you.

You are enough, just as you are. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're unable to communicate with anyone unless its an intellectual setting with intellectual conversation, you're doing yourself a huge disservice! I think its pretty evident that your self worth is tied to your intelligence and success. While this may seem like a good thing, when you aren't at the top of your game, the smartest person in the room, or around your intellectual peers, you are miserable and feel like a failure. Very black and white in that if you're not the best, you are the worst.

 

[Friday]

Something of a tangent... But if the people you get on with are students and faculty... Have you considered working in academia? Even if working towards a professorship isn't something you want to be doing with your life, tutoring can be giving your mind some food to chew on, as well as help fill in your CV some.

I get that this party was a lot about grief to you... You got to see a family function in a way in which yours never will. I think even 6 months ago, you would have been trying to shoehorn your family into this role, blaming yourself that they're not these kind of people, instead of simply seeing that these are 2 very different families. And that your family isn't going to change. That there isn't anything you can do to make them become people like your friends stepfather and aunties. They're different people. That's kind of monumental. Tale of two cities different. That the differences aren't circumstantial, but directly because of the people involved, who make them up. His father does this, your father does that. His aunties do this, your aunties do that.

My exHusband & my families are sort of similar in that way. Both of us few up poor. Difference was, I never knew it. My parents made things fun, and were extremely loving, and difficulties were challenges and adventures. His parents made things miserable. His family actually had about twice as much money as mine, but you'd never have known it. They were always on the screaming, tantrum throwing, brink of all things awful. Helpless & trapped. Kids blamed for every hardship. And how dare the kids want blah blah blah... Mine? I'd come home from school wanting something something we couldn't afford, just like my ex, but instead of being attacked for wanting something and all the woes of the world put upon my ungrateful shoulders... My parents got excited. Awesome! They'd say, and listen to me talk about it, and then help me make it happen. Not by buying it... They couldn't. Instead, if I wanted riding lessons, they'd help me research all the places that offered it. Helped me figure out ways I could work for it (either get a job and save up my own money for it, or -wouldn't it make more sense to- get a job working at a stable in exchange for riding lessons... So I not only got my lessons, I got to work in the field. So instead of an hour of lessons a week, I got 20 hours of working with/around horses and the hour of lessons.) It's a 180 different version of looking at life. Helpless & alone, versus, Let's figure this thing out.

My poor son is caught in the middle of these differences right now. Same as you. He's being raised in two different ways, and so has to choose which lessons to internalize... You, on the other hand, are now seeing the different ways in which people are raised looking back as an adult... And so now have choices. Which way do you want to live? The way you were raised, or striking out on your own path?

You can see it looking back over your posts for the past 6 months or so... Back when your family was right & you were wrong, to when you've decided your family was wrong... But were trying to fill the gap.. With anyone. From strangers on the street, to strangers at a party. Still looking for someone to tell you what you should be doing with your life and how. But now, you've also got your own opinions edging in. Which is awesome. You'll make your own rules, Jess. You're getting there.

 

[J_trustno1]

@FridayJones: Thanks for the very valuable reply. Your answers are so much in depth snd very helpful. It is very difficult for me to move out from the negativity of past and looking at present situations. I get trapped in such situations.