Relationship Feeling Incredible Guilt For Ending The Relationship

[laa100]

I posted in the intro section a couple of weeks back explaining that I had been dating a combat veteran for over three years, and that he had been diagnosed with ptsd and tbi. I also explained that he had been isolating and that our communication was ongoing, but limited.

Well, since then nothing has changed and I decided to end the relationship.

Our communication had been limited to brief texts initiated by him every few days, which were limited to topics such as the weather and TV shows. Since it was apparent that he was in no position to really talk with me, or see me for that matter, I wrote him a letter explaining things.

He knows that I understand what is happening with him and that I am in complete support of him. However, it’s going on six weeks and he pretty much shut me out. I understand that he is not in a place to have any meaningful conversation about what is going on, and in a lot of ways I think that me being the one to end our relationship may even provide him a bit of relief…one less stressor.

My letter was not accusatory or blaming. It was simply an explanation of the difficulties in being in a relationship like this. The difficulty with offering every piece of myself in support, and then being treated like someone he barely knows; the difficulty in accepting the inequities; the difficulty with feeling unimportant ; and the difficulty with feeling totally helpless when the symptoms kick in and he shuts down.

I thought I had mastered the art of not taking things personally, but this time, it’s just too much to take. The thing is, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I promised that I would always be there. And, like I said in my intro, I’m willing to do the work, but he won’t let me know what my job is. So, I can’t help him; he won’t let me.

The only solace I have is that maybe relieving him of the stressors of a relationship may help him. You know, you can read and educate yourself on this stuff as much as you can and feel like you really understand what is happening. But, when you’re in the middle of it, everything goes out the window and you are still left standing there with your heart in pieces on the floor while you helplessly watch the person you love self-destruct.

This really sucks………….

 

[ProudWife99]

Iaa, I cannot read your post in its entirety at this current time as I'm struggling with my own pain. I promise to come back and offer more, but know you are not alone. Know that the tough decisions are some times the best ones. Taking care of YOURSELF has to be most important. You've made a difficult decision, but you've made the best one for you.

I wish comfort for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi-
I hope the guilt goes away for you. It sounds like you tried really hard, and it isn't your fault. You deserve good in your life.

I hope you have good closure. Thanks for sharing your experience. Life is so fragile, and you have valid needs, and if he is unable or unwilling to meet your needs you did the right thing.

It is good to know your limits and it sounds like you went as far as you could go. Wishing you the best.

It would be good to journal or post about the guilt you feel to get the poison out of your system. No need to be tormented by it. You did the best you could with what information you had at the time. Hoping things turn around for the good for you. Good luck.

 

[laa100]

Thank you both for the kind words. It was an incredibly difficult decision, and I hope it was the right one. Only time will tell.........

 

[ProudWife99]

The only solace I have is that maybe relieving him of the stressors of a relationship may help him.

This is one of the most selfless things we can do for those we love. This, IMO, is a demonstration of what love and caring truly is.

I am amazed by your caring and kindness in a situation that could tend to bring out the worst in a person.

You cannot save someone who has no idea they're drowning. Keep your chin up, buttercup. You did an amazingly loving, caring thing for both YOU and him. Take pride in that.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I just want to wish you well. It sounds like you did what was best for you and for him. I hope you get over the guilt. It won't help either one of you.

 

[j doe]

Good luck to you Iaa. Struggling with the same option myself, and it is not easy, no matter what the final decision is. In some ways, it takes as much strength to leave as it does to stay, and choosing between "guilt" and "loneliness/unhappiness" is not much of a choice, but you found the strength to do what was right for you. That is to be commended, even if it might not feel like it right now.

 

[Gen]

Hi Iaa,

I know what you feel, I went through the same thing only he broke up with me.

Sometimes I wanted to end it I just never had it in me to do so because I half hoped that he would realize the distant between us an want to mend it.

There is no winner this situation had he done it you would feel just as crushed but at least this way you let him know you did this because you understood he couldn't give more. I don't know if my words are in anyway any kind of consolation but I know how hard it is to love someone who just isn't there and I don't mean physically, its impossible to fight for someone who won't let you fight for them.

I built an entire world around what I wanted with him, my future, our lives and what could have been and its heart breaking, not everyone is spiritual or religious and I both understand that and accept that I will pray for you that's where I get my consolation from, from knowing that god doesn't give us more than we can handle and that all does really happen for a reason.

 

[Trembling]

Dear laa,

your choice was not running away or leaving someone who really wanted you there, your decision was made because you were pushed too often.

It is not something that should make you feel guilty (though I pretty much understand why you feel this) - you did it for him, you need to look after yourself!

One thing to learn within PTSD, which might be pretty tough for most of us, is to take care of ourselves and not to forget our own life. WE as supporters still should have a life of our own, even though we share it with the person we love, it is not the right way to give it up completely.

I wish you good luck, even more strength to move one - and do good things to yourself!

 

[Tifanee]

I am feeling your sorrow Iaa, I am facing that own reality with my love. It feels unnatural to break up with someone who you truly love and care about, and someone you imagine a future with. As you do, I believe the variables in my life (daughter, baby daddy, parents, work) are too much for him to handle with his PTSD, especially since he is out of therapy and reluctant to start again. I don't have an equal shoulder to lean on and just have a listening ear. He thinks if I don't choose to resolve the things that are stressors (to him), then stop "complaining" about them. My life is pretty simple, but he needs life even simpler. I am hurting as I come to this realization, but I think it is the best thing for me and for him. You made the best choice, you made a choice from a place of love and understanding.

 

[laa100]

Thank you all again for the kind words of support.

I guess I keep going back to the advice I have seen here many times. I had to ask myself exactly what it was that I was getting out of the relationship? I really took a hard look at the time we had been together and realized that I existed in a constant state of uncertainty. It was a cycle of waiting; waiting for him to be ok, and then when he was ok, waiting for him to not be ok. So, really, the only constant in the relationship was uncertainty. There was never a real sense of contentment, because even when times were good (and there were good times), there was an overwhelming sense that it was temporary. It made it very difficult to really embrace those times.

Right now my biggest fear is that he will come back. The last time we had a major break like this (about a year and a half ago), the pattern was exactly the same. He began distancing himself, then isolating, then ended the relationship, and then contacted me to work things out. The whole process took about 3 months. So far, I can look back to when I started to see the signs this time and the pattern is very similar. So, I ended things when it was clear that he was going to that place in his head where I no longer exist. My feelings are still pretty raw, and there is no doubt that I am in love with this man. So, I am hopeful that if tries to contact me, enough time will have passed that I can be strong and do what is best for me, because somewhere along the line in all of this, I forgot how to do that.

 

[Tifanee]

My feelings are still pretty raw, and there is no doubt that I am in love with this man. So, I am hopeful that if tries to contact me, enough time will have passed that I can be strong and do what is best for me, because somewhere along the line in all of this, I forgot how to do that.

I think this is key Iaa, you must be emotionally strong to stand your ground (or have a good therapist yourself to help you stay strong). Love is a very powerful emotion and can drive us to make decisions that compromise ourselves. I do think relationships are about compromise, but we only continue the emotional rollercoaster if we give into the love and don't stand our ground out of love. Hold him to getting therapy regardless of how much time has passed when he cycles back around. This last weekend I was very raw myself, but after a "blame game" session from my man last night I gained so much clarity. I really did not like him anymore. I still love him, but I love him enough to walk away now so I don't start to dislike myself. If walking away is forever, then that is okay. I made a choice for me, like you made a choice for you, and our partners need to make a choice to help themselves.

Please look after yourself and take some time to do something for you.

hugs:)