Definition:
–noun
1. a person [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/browse/who"]who[/DLMURL] pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
Unintentionally, of course.
I come to this forum to learn and to express my emotions, my concerns, ask questions, and utilize the options to reread all of the above to gain further perspective.
It's sort of why I go see my therapist as well.
I initially started because I knew that I was not handling the emotional stresses in the relationship I was in, have been in, am in (all a lot of question) well AT ALL and it was taking me too much back to my past and the things I fear from an admittedly co-dependent relationship.
Well, I truly FEEL as though last week I drew a very strong line within me in the process of 'letting go' of my relationship with my sufferer. I knew I couldn't be completely "out of site, out of mind" because we're neighbors, I knew he'd call upon me at some point in time, and we work together. So for me, it was a mental 'letting go' of the expectation of 'what could be?'.
I still truly feel I've done that.
The problem is, my therapist says my "boundaries sound confusing and it doesn't sound like my ex took the hint." IN FACT, we've been spending more time together in the last 4 days than we had been prior. I don't want to complain. It's been really laid back and good.
My girlfriend tries to empathize and just says 'it's a slippery slope'.
I feel completely guilty like I've done something wrong. Yet when it is just me and him, and I've been able to express my feelings very to the point and directly and he's able to explain his, then I don't see what I'm doing wrong?
I understand that this isn't going to be easy. I also understand that I could get hurt again. But I BELIEVE with the knowledge I'm gaining and the strength I'm rebuilding, that I am in more control of my emotions in this relationship than I ever have been before - in ANY relationship I've loved in.
I think I just answered my own question...
Being "Why do I always find myself trying to defend myself?"
Answer: The answer and the truth are within me! No one else can define my life or my actions for me - OR - the actions of my ex. Just like I have come to believe that my beliefs are within me, not to be forced upon me by some outside source, but nor me to force mine upon others. As long as I AM being honest and truest to myself, then backwards or crazy as it might seem to an outside source not within me, then so be it.
Ha! I guess I started this thread to ask if I was 'crazy' for allowing my ex to spend so much time with me lately.
When I went to my therapist, I needed help understanding where my mistrust comes from. I know where it comes from... I guess that is what 'talking it out' does. So I think I've done well on setting my boundaries for my ex when it comes to that discussion, despite what my therapist tries to hear me say in (truly short of) an hour.
Am I selling myself short? He knows what makes me uncomfortable and he lets me confront him on it and admits he is trying to have a communicative relationship with me even though it is tough for him right now and he admittedly is and is going to be selfish about himself right now. Even though we aren't "in a relationship" he says I'm in his inner circle and he's exclusive to me. Wants me to meet his mom, and spend Memorial Day with me.
I believe the inner circle talk but I choose NOT to believe any plans for the future. I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on today. TODAY. No expectations, taking one day at a time.
I think that is what it means for me when I said "I let it go". I feel internally like I let go of the talk about getting married, moving in together, kids, etc. because his future is so unpredictable at this moment therefore I can't bank mine on it. I have my own. Mine only works itself out through August with some tentative plans for the summer, but that's o.k. :) I have big dreams too, but they'll happen if they are meant to happen... I've seen some from the past come true. But life happens and changes for a reason. All I know is in the end, I'm grateful and happy that I lived to see it.
So I don't know. Am I a hypocrite for loving my ex? Spending time with him? Finally! Getting to actually know him for who he is right now and each day he seems to get better? If I think too much about it, I do worry about the final outcome with his therapy and his 'managing' his PTSD and if I can tolerate it. But I feel I don't even know him now but bits and pieces. So I choose to take it one day at a time. Like two friends on our own journeys that get to hold hands once in a while.
Last night he actually asked me to Sushi. Then asked if every time we spend time together if we could get in the habit of doing something nice for each other for 30 minutes each. His would be a back scratch and mine would be a foot massage.
I know I have some trust issues of my own to work through but that also comes from earning trust which needs to be re-earned by him and he knows this but he's also not ready to 'prove it' to me any more than he feels he has. He tells me he understands my issues with certain things but aside from telling me I have nothing to worry about, he can't worry about me because he needs to take care of him.
Why is this not admirable??? At least he is aware and working on it. I tell him as long as he's working on it, then I am there for him, but I won't take his excuses. He needs to be honest and communicative as possible with me but always honest.
I think we are o.k. I think I am o.k. I just wish I didn't feel like an idiot wanting to hide away from everyone who tries to care but doesn't understand :notworthy:
–noun
1. a person [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/browse/who"]who[/DLMURL] pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
Unintentionally, of course.
I come to this forum to learn and to express my emotions, my concerns, ask questions, and utilize the options to reread all of the above to gain further perspective.
It's sort of why I go see my therapist as well.
I initially started because I knew that I was not handling the emotional stresses in the relationship I was in, have been in, am in (all a lot of question) well AT ALL and it was taking me too much back to my past and the things I fear from an admittedly co-dependent relationship.
Well, I truly FEEL as though last week I drew a very strong line within me in the process of 'letting go' of my relationship with my sufferer. I knew I couldn't be completely "out of site, out of mind" because we're neighbors, I knew he'd call upon me at some point in time, and we work together. So for me, it was a mental 'letting go' of the expectation of 'what could be?'.
I still truly feel I've done that.
The problem is, my therapist says my "boundaries sound confusing and it doesn't sound like my ex took the hint." IN FACT, we've been spending more time together in the last 4 days than we had been prior. I don't want to complain. It's been really laid back and good.
My girlfriend tries to empathize and just says 'it's a slippery slope'.
I feel completely guilty like I've done something wrong. Yet when it is just me and him, and I've been able to express my feelings very to the point and directly and he's able to explain his, then I don't see what I'm doing wrong?
I understand that this isn't going to be easy. I also understand that I could get hurt again. But I BELIEVE with the knowledge I'm gaining and the strength I'm rebuilding, that I am in more control of my emotions in this relationship than I ever have been before - in ANY relationship I've loved in.
I think I just answered my own question...
Being "Why do I always find myself trying to defend myself?"
Answer: The answer and the truth are within me! No one else can define my life or my actions for me - OR - the actions of my ex. Just like I have come to believe that my beliefs are within me, not to be forced upon me by some outside source, but nor me to force mine upon others. As long as I AM being honest and truest to myself, then backwards or crazy as it might seem to an outside source not within me, then so be it.
Ha! I guess I started this thread to ask if I was 'crazy' for allowing my ex to spend so much time with me lately.
When I went to my therapist, I needed help understanding where my mistrust comes from. I know where it comes from... I guess that is what 'talking it out' does. So I think I've done well on setting my boundaries for my ex when it comes to that discussion, despite what my therapist tries to hear me say in (truly short of) an hour.
Am I selling myself short? He knows what makes me uncomfortable and he lets me confront him on it and admits he is trying to have a communicative relationship with me even though it is tough for him right now and he admittedly is and is going to be selfish about himself right now. Even though we aren't "in a relationship" he says I'm in his inner circle and he's exclusive to me. Wants me to meet his mom, and spend Memorial Day with me.
I believe the inner circle talk but I choose NOT to believe any plans for the future. I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on today. TODAY. No expectations, taking one day at a time.
I think that is what it means for me when I said "I let it go". I feel internally like I let go of the talk about getting married, moving in together, kids, etc. because his future is so unpredictable at this moment therefore I can't bank mine on it. I have my own. Mine only works itself out through August with some tentative plans for the summer, but that's o.k. :) I have big dreams too, but they'll happen if they are meant to happen... I've seen some from the past come true. But life happens and changes for a reason. All I know is in the end, I'm grateful and happy that I lived to see it.
So I don't know. Am I a hypocrite for loving my ex? Spending time with him? Finally! Getting to actually know him for who he is right now and each day he seems to get better? If I think too much about it, I do worry about the final outcome with his therapy and his 'managing' his PTSD and if I can tolerate it. But I feel I don't even know him now but bits and pieces. So I choose to take it one day at a time. Like two friends on our own journeys that get to hold hands once in a while.
Last night he actually asked me to Sushi. Then asked if every time we spend time together if we could get in the habit of doing something nice for each other for 30 minutes each. His would be a back scratch and mine would be a foot massage.
I know I have some trust issues of my own to work through but that also comes from earning trust which needs to be re-earned by him and he knows this but he's also not ready to 'prove it' to me any more than he feels he has. He tells me he understands my issues with certain things but aside from telling me I have nothing to worry about, he can't worry about me because he needs to take care of him.
Why is this not admirable??? At least he is aware and working on it. I tell him as long as he's working on it, then I am there for him, but I won't take his excuses. He needs to be honest and communicative as possible with me but always honest.
I think we are o.k. I think I am o.k. I just wish I didn't feel like an idiot wanting to hide away from everyone who tries to care but doesn't understand :notworthy:
