Sexual Assault Feeling like i’m dangerous to women/gender/sexuality

[Strangelongtrip]

This is a long and winding post but I feel like the parts make a whole so bear with me. When I was 5 I was forced to kiss a female classmate. She was much stronger than me and had a lot more friends. She had social capital that I didn’t have. She cornered me behind a couch and told me I couldn’t get out unless I kissed her on the lips. I felt weird because I enjoyed kissing her but also felt wrong she had forced me to do it. I had always been anxious but this is when I started to have panic attacks. I had just started school and for the rest of, well, forever, I’ve missed a ridiculous amount of school.

For reference, I’m born female and pansexual, I loosely identify with nonbinary just to put a label on it, but it started when I was 8 which I’ll explain now. When I was 8 I was sexually abused by another female classmate while we were alone in a pool. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 19. She was the first person to touch me “down there” in a sexual sense. I dissociated for the first time after this. After that I started to have body/gender dysphoria where I felt like I had a phantom penis and I always dressed tomboyish but now I really just didn’t feel right in traditionally femme clothing. I still feel this way sometimes, like I’m an imposter female, that I’m not all that one thing. I don’t feel male either. I don’t feel tied to any gender. I wonder if this incident caused it, and it pisses me off to be honest. When I was 18 a female friend pinned me down (they’re 6’3” and weighed 30 lbs more than me) and started kissing me and touching me as well.

I thought most of my sexual trauma was tied up in men, fear of men, after repeated sexual abuse with my first boyfriend. But I’m TERRIFIED of my attraction to women. And because I think I’m creepy and dangerous like I’m going to hurt them. The other day I thought a woman who posted this thing in a Facebook group I’m in was really cute and then I felt really guilty and like I was a bad creepy man person for thinking she was cute. Today on vacation two women my age (early 20s) were in a hot tub with me and I thought they were cute but absolutely said nothing and averted my eyes, which was probably more uncomfortable than just talking to them. I always feel like a complete creep, even if a girl is clearly hitting on me or wants to dance with me or whatever. I’m not scared of them abusing me, I’m scared of me abusing them. I have no idea how to even have a healthy relationship or date someone in a healthy way, male or female or in between. I just am really scared of hurting someone. I’ve hurt people emotionally, never physically or sexually. I have BPD on top of PTSD and I honestly have no hope that I’ll ever be able to have a relationship and maybe I’m just looking for hope these problems can be overcome.

 

[Justmehere]

I thought most of my sexual trauma was tied up in men, fear of men, after repeated sexual abuse with my first boyfriend. But I’m TERRIFIED of my attraction to women. And because I think I’m creepy and dangerous like I’m going to hurt them. The other day I thought a woman who posted this thing in a Facebook group I’m in was really cute and then I felt really guilty and like I was a bad creepy man person for thinking she was cute.

It seems like the fear of men, really, a fear of male and female abusers, is still playing a role. Like you are afraid of being like the type of person you fear. Not a hopeless matter at all. And not that uncommon.

Example: I used to worry that feeling any anger will make my like my abuser. It made me run from the feeling of anger and expressing it. I felt shame about feeling ANY of it. Like it turned me into my abuser. The path out? Learning that one can feel anger and not abuse, and express it and work through it in a healthy way. I am not my abuser. I am my own person.

The path out for you may be learning that you can feel sexual attraction, and yet that does not make you like your abusers. Male or female. Sexual abuse is particularly terrible because it leads the brain to associate pleasure with fear and shame. But this association can shift.

I have no idea how to even have a healthy relationship or date someone in a healthy way, male or female or in between. I just am really scared of hurting someone. I’ve hurt people emotionally, never physically or sexually.

Have you ever done DBT? There is a lot of relationship skills building in DBT that might help not only manage relationships better, but also build up your confidence, and help undo some of this shame that you carry with you.

I don't know what you have done in the past to hurt people emotionally, but I hope that you can see it not as something to hide, but an opportunity to move towards learning and growth. You likely did the best you knew how, and you also have great courage to recognize things need to change. Everyone makes mistakes. Trauma screws up learning how to do relationships well, but one can learn new ways to connect and manage relationships. It will take time, but it's worth it.

 

[somerandomguy]

I’m TERRIFIED of my attraction to women. And because I think I’m creepy and dangerous like I’m going to hurt them.

Hi. I'm a man who has felt exactly how you feel.

The stereotypical view of men is that we are all sex abusers if given half a chance. That's obviously false, but some of us internalize that message anyway. It's possible that due to your own abuse by a man, your "male parts" internalized it as well. Now when you feel "manly" or attracted to women, you feel like you must be an abuser.

Just a guess. I could be 100% wrong.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, I could have written this if I'd changed some of the gender things around. If you'll forgive my speculation because I've written so much on this, you are feeling your dominance or your desire to initiate or be on top. You don't have to hurt anyone and it's fine, you could find a girl or boy who is submissive and understands. IDK how exactly, I have one but I didn't look. I'm not suggesting it formally like BDSM I'm just saying everyone is always doing this. It when you want to be the 'non traditional' role it feels all weird and scary. I sympathize totally. Been in therapy about this for years. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Justmehere I had the same thing with the anger! I didn’t even know how to feel it until this year. Okay yay so I can do this haha! I have a DBT workbook, I’ll start working in it. There’s also a group DBT at my therapy place. Thank you!

@somerandomguy that sounds prettt on the nose. It’s weird, I don’t feel it when I’m attracted to a man. I feel like I’ll more easily slip into a role. Now that I’ve said that, I’m realizing that in my relationships I’m acting out trauma and reinacting I keep trying to see through something with both genders and always end up in the same place. Self awareness is the first step.

@Mach123 thank you so much! I feel more secure in being dominant in my male-me (lol) relationships, except when sex is involved, but everyone who has ever been “dominant” to me in the relationship sense has been abusive. I’m worried about acting out the role. I was briefly into BDSM but I went to one “munch” and one of the relationships mirrored my abuse and I never went back I had so many bad flashbacks.

Thank you all so much! More things to work on :)

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi I wanted to reply to your post. Thank you for sharing. I was born female and identify as female.
I was sexually abused (raped) by multiple women at a young age. This lead me to hate myself and to find the sexuality of myself disgusting. Like when I went through puberty I was immensly shamed by my vagina.
I was frozen and actually terrefied by men (due to other physical abuse) and so was barely sexual through college. I identify as bisexual, and I loved this girl who I believe later moved away from that gender. After being friends we went out on a date so to speak and I was weird and awkard due to being massively triggered. If I had made out with her it would have been hard to face the female body parts even despite wanting to explore that, I could not. So I still consider myself bi but have not ever been with the same sex. I can feel weirdly jealous of my bi and lesbian friends who got to explore their sexuality.

Same sex abuse can really mess with your identity and sexuality male or female or both.
I had abuse from both sexes and just felt shut down.

I am just expressing my thoughts, though I know these experiences are not the same as your experience of feeling you will hurt/abuse women. I think it makes sense because of your male identity within you has seen bad examples of how men have treated women.
Often we can internalize the abuse and think we will do the same.
But the hurtful and abusive men would most likely never come to a forum and speak openly and honestly about their fears and try to understand them.

The guy that assaulted me in college was a total ignorant jerk who had no clue and no restraint. He did not avoid his eyes he felt he was entitled.

 

[Swift]

Hey, I'm a queer chick who's probably best described as "a little left of cisgender", but I don't identify as non-binary although I'm often read that way because my gender presentation is pretty fluid.

I was absolutely terrified that my same-sex attraction would make me hurt women. That it was innate in my ability to be attracted to women, that I would hurt them the way that my abuser hurt me. I was also worried being gay meant I would be a pedophile, despite being absolutely repulsed by the thought of anyone being attracted to kids. Through a lot of work, I don't feel that way any more.

I guess my abuser was the only gay person I knew growing up. My early experiences with women were not good, to say the least. I then started associating the abuse with the act of being attracted to women.

Of course, straight people abuse each other all the time. The problem for me was that "straightness" was the default and seen as morally neutral. To identify as gay, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't straight - that my sexuality was other and different, and associated with abusiveness in my head.

I guess getting to know more gay people, watching and reading good LGBTIQ stories and role models, really helped me get a better perspective on what being queer could mean.


Ps what pronouns do you use? I use she/her :)

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Scarlet13 Hi! Thank you for sharing. I also feel really weirded out by my genitalia from a mix of abuse and dysphoria. I understand the jealousy too. Most (actually now that I think about it all? Lol) of my close friends are bi or gay and I always feel jealous when they’re able to have healthy sexual relationships and romantic relationships. Some of them have been through abuse though so it makes me feel like there’s hope too!

Hey @Swift! Thank you! I feel like the adding the sexuality layer makes things even more confusing. I was terrified of talking to kids under 9 years old once I remembered what happened in my childhood until this year. I missed out on so much of my niece’s growing up. I feel like it was because I was scared something was going to happen to her (I still am but I keep it down if that makes sense) and because I knew what that was I was bad.

Watching the L-word made me be like yeahhh....I would prefer this to men lol. Then they got transphobic and sometimes I can’t watch it bc it’s too much sex, but I’ve found such solace in LGBTQIA programs. I remember watching Pretty Little Liars like five times because of Emily exclusively lol (but her relationships were always low key or high key abusive like Paige lol). I have some amazing queer friends who give me hope because they have been through abuse from both men and women and nb people but are all trucking through. I guess it doesn’t feel like it can happen to me because of the sh*t show of family and outside abuse help hahaha.

I use they/them

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I fear hurting my own children and my T says that thoughts like these, like that you will be abusive, are thoughts victims have.
Perpretrators don't have fears/concerns of being abusive. Some may feel bad or feel guilt, but they likely are not using such profound self awareness skills as you are using.
Also, a lot of these messages come from society about the perverseness of stepping away from the norm of a hetero idenity.
Like that being any thing other that propperly attracted to the opposite sex in your "correct" gender is corrupt. This is a myth, a socially constructed narrative and it gets in to our minds so that you can even apply these myths to yourself. I treat these "myths" from society for who is consider "good" and who holds value just like all the other cognitive distortions that are in my mind.
When I wanted that relationship with my friend in college, its like the world turned on its head. I felt shame, like my attraction was wrong. I worried that I was attracted to her BECAUSE I had been abused by females. And I could not even follow through because of this abuse.
These thoughts and feelings come out of deep shame that society offers up, and this not our shame. I grew up in a Catholic home and guilt/shame over everything were common themes.

 

[Swift]

don't have fears/concerns of being abusive.

Yes! Exactly.
And @Strangelongtrip , I loved the L word, I used to watch the DVDs I'd bought in secret late at night, looking for that. The theme song sucks, but still, it was amazing. I haven't seen Pretty Little Liars, maybe I shoild