Feeling Like Most People Are Stupid And Thoughtless, And My Theory About How This Relates To Ptsd.

[Sandstone]

I think people have missed what the OP wrote

It was a really dramatic paradigm shift for me to consider that most people aren't merely dumb and thoughtless, but unequipped with certain survival mechanisms we've all carried with us for life.

It would be a shame to lose that in interpersonal bickering, when there is scope for those of us with the background @551 describes to learn something about ourselves.

I certainly share the experience of being held only to have value when I achieved, and also of being taught that most people were of lesser value. I had realised that these were as much lies about the world as some of the more directly abusive stuff, and work at rejecting both stories.

I hadn't thought so much about the emotional observation side. I'm often puzzled by the lack of compassion towards others shown by some people close to me. I need to go away and think about this more. Am I aware of distress signals that others don't pick up, precisely because that was a survival skill I needed in childhood? If so, would I be healthier if I was less aware of the subtle signs?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@551 I wonder what others think of you?

 

[Gs172003]

My ex husband thinks he's smarter than EVERYBODY. just ask him..he'll tell you. But what I think it boils down to really is his extreme fear of failing. Being not as good as the next guy, to him, equals failing. That's the easiest way to explain it.

 

[ladee]

I will apologize to OP for making 'you' statements.
YES this is one of my triggers. And I own it
What I won't apologize for is being emotional. I give myself permission to be a human. I have worked very hard to be 'emotional'.
Apologizing helps me to grow. To be ok with myself.
At the end of the day...how I feel about myself is all that matters.

 

[F_uckYourselves]

@551 I wonder what others think of you?

You think I don't already deal with more than enough anxiety about others opinions?

 

[F_uckYourselves]

I think people have missed what the OP wrote

It would be a shame to lose that in interpersonal bickering, when there is scope for those of us with the background @551 describes to learn something about ourselves.

I certainly share the experience of being held only to have value when I achieved, and also of being taught that most people were of lesser value. I had realised that these were as much lies about the world as some of the more directly abusive stuff, and work at rejecting both stories.

@Sandstone, thank you for actually reading what I wrote instead of skimming it and deciding to personalize it or make a needlessly snarky comment at me. My post was about the CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE that occurred when I considered that my perception was informed by a fear response.

Then again, judging by some of the responses I've received, maybe my initial perception was correct and people are just that stupid. Some of the folks in this thread certainly seem to be.

My ex husband thinks he's smarter than EVERYBODY. just ask him..he'll tell you. But what I think it boils down to really is his extreme fear of failing. Being not as good as the next guy, to him, equals failing. That's the easiest way to explain it.

@Zoogal, this exactly. The way I grew up, anything less than my best was unacceptable. I was taught that I was lovable only when I excelled, and I hold myself to the same standards as an adult. Unlearning those standards has been one of the hardest parts of my recovery process so far.

 

[joeylittle]

It was a really dramatic paradigm shift for me to consider that most people aren't merely dumb and thoughtless, but unequipped with certain survival mechanisms we've all carried with us for life.

Or, you are over-equipped. In other words - your survival mechanism is not necessarily the ideal; it is for you, because it's a survival skill. Does that make sense?

They didn't learn early that their ability to outperform others is what made them lovable.

This would be a maladaptive coping mechanism, ultimately. I had a slightly different version of this - I was intellectually precocious and was treated like I was freakish because of it - but, it was also all I understood as an identity. So I simultaneously depended on it and hated it. But even today - I expect that my identity is formed by being 'smart', and if I'm not, then I've failed. I'm over-compensating. It might be better for me to not evaluate intelligence in such a binary way.

Likewise, they aren't as attuned to others' feelings because they never had to be able to anticipate somebody else's emotional state or do constant emotional damage control just to survive.

I'd agree that this is learned hyper vigilance; the question would be, are you attuned to others' states, or are you anticipating their responses? I think there's a slight distinction - anticipating response tends to anticipate a problem, whereas begin attuned allows for equal perception of the negative and the positive.

I think some of the ways we learn to survive can be adapted to positive use; others, we need to see where they are causing constant distress in the background. When you encounter people you think are dull, is it frustrating? Angering? Do you feel better about yourself? Neutral? I'm curious how it affects you, if at all.

 

[joeylittle]

You think I don't already deal with more than enough Anxiety about others opinions?

Personal attack edited. @551 - no-one would or would not know what you deal with, vis-a-vis others opinions, based on your OP. Now, we do.

 

[F_uckYourselves]

@joeylittle, you'd think it would be common f*cking sense in a forum dedicated to PTSD. Jesus Christ, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

 

[joeylittle]

you'd think it would be common f*cking sense in an forum dedicated to PTSD. Jesus Christ, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

OK - but why should anyone assume that, really? I am pretty familiar with the members here. I don't think everyone has a big issue with specifically worrying about what other people think of them. That's not necessarily common to everyone with PTSD. It's a pretty diverse illness.

I'm all for common sense - but I'm not for making assumptions about others' issues until they are clear about what they are. I meant what I said - now, we know. I don't see anything in @She Cat's post other than a question. I see it pushed a button for you - so, work with it. How does it relate to your original post?

Take what's useful, ignore the rest.

 

[F_uckYourselves]

@EveHarrington So it's okay for others to attack and condescend to me, but it's not okay for me to retaliate? And do your oh-so-high moral standards extend to @She Cat and her snarky inquiry about how others perceive me? Like that wasn't intended to sting?

And so there's no confusion, I couldn't give a rat's ass whether you respect me or not.

@joeylittle, she didn't "push a button" to be useful or help me in any way. She said something that was intended to be hurtful.

 

[joeylittle]

She said something that was intended to be hurtful.

I'm sorry - I don't see the intent in the statement. But let's play honest, here. @She Cat - were you being snarky?