Sufferer Feeling Lost, Ptsd From Years In A Severely Abusive Marriage

[Nin]

My names Nin. And I’m here because I don’t know where else to go. My PTSD was brought on by years in a severely abusive marriage (physical and mental). After a decade together I finally got away, divorced him, found an incredible loving man who I’ve since married, and started life anew… or so I thought. In my mind, it’s like I never left the home I shared with my ex-husband even though I haven’t seen him in over a year now. I knew life with him had changed me but after the birth of my daughter last year, everything boiled over and I ended up in a hospital for a few days. It was there that I was finally diagnosed with PTSD and everything started making sense… the flashing pictures in my mind, the panic, the disassociation, dropping into a ball at just the slam of a door. That was 6 months ago. I started seeing an amazing therapist once a week (we’re doing EMDR now) and a shrink-a-dink (psychiatrist) for Zoloft.

Well a month ago I stopped the Zoloft. I only remember to take it every couple days anyway and I hate the thought of changing who I am as a whole instead of targeting the episodes. Thought I’d be fine, but I’m not. I went to a new doctor today but she said they would only give me Zoloft (which will hopefully start working in a month). No one will listen to me that I don’t want to take something every day, I just want something to stop the worst attacks. I don't want to take Zoloft! I feel like my only choice now is to self medicate or melt down every time someone raises their voice. I feel so lost and alone. My husband is loving and supportive, but he just doesn’t get it. And the docs act like I must be some drug addict. I’m a teacher and a mom… not some druggie! I just want to make sure I can function my 40 hours a week and still pull off dinner and reading bedtime stories to my children when I get home.

Anyway, sorry my introduction got so long. I’m really looking forward to talking to all of you. It’ll be nice not to be so alone :)

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome welcome!

I'm so sorry that after finally getting away from that guy and starting a new life, PTSD reared its ugly head. Your limbic brain can't get the message you are okay now. I know it well having been married to a great guy for the first time four years ago.

There is much healing to be found here, and support and knowledge. I'm so glad you made it.

And no way are you a drug addict!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[mandymxic]

My life experience is almost the same. I can't get the proper meds b/c the Dr. treats me like a drug addict. I have a B.A. in psychology and I was working on my RN degree when my sociopath ex decided to alienate my children from me. Of course, I could not stay buoyant in a challenging professional program and deal with the stress of fighting a custody battle. It was like being in a pressure cooker. I have a loving and supportive boyfriend now but I don't know if I will ever be the same after that experience. I don't know if I will be able to repair my career either..I understand what you're going through.

 

[Nin]

I have a B.A. in psychology and I was working on my RN degree when my sociopath ex decided to alienate my children from me. Of course, I could not stay buoyant in a challenging professional program and deal with the stress of fighting a custody battle.

I understand. I was an Engineering major at the University of Arizona but my ex didn't like me being out so much (or succeeding and feeling confident). He sabotaged my degree in every way. He would wait for big test days and then run off and leave me with the kids and no sitter... and forbid me to meet with required study groups.I stayed out late one night preparing for a test and he knocked me unconscious for it. I left the college. I was lucky to get a job teaching math but I never got my engineering degree. Maybe one day.

 

[Nin]

And no way are you a drug addict!

Thank you, I really needed to hear that right now.

And I hope my brain catches up one day. My life is so good right now. Nice home, good job, loving husband, and three beautiful children... but my brain still acts like I need to fear for my life. I'm not crazy, my brain is ;) lol

 

[mandymxic]

My ex sabotaged my studies as well and even destroyed a computer that had a paper I had written on it for college - that was due the same day. I am glad it is over but these things really wear one down. Yeah, maybe one day we can be rid of the terrible consequences of being with evil people..I hope that day comes soon. I feel very tired.

 

[mamachick]

I have been in an abusive marriage too so I understand. Right now it seems like the problem is dealing with your symptoms and the medication. Self medication will take you downhill fast-I would not advise this. I wonder how many alcoholics and people who get in trouble with law started out by self medicating.

I know that since you only have difficulties some of the time, you do not want to take medication every day of the month, but if it helps, it is the best answer for right now. It doesnt mean that it is forever. You are not crazy, your brain has been hi jacked. If they gave you a benzo just for the bad times, that is very addictive and likely would interfere with your ability to function until you became use to it. Once you become use to it, you need a higher dose.

You are a teacher, you are smart, you know that you have to take this every single day, just like brushing your teeth. It is just part of life that you need right now to function at your best. What if one of your students told you that they did not want to do their homework every night, just when they had the time, but still expected to get an A.

Dont mean to be harsh at all. I am only speaking from experience. I quit my anti depressant at Christmas when I ran out and was short of cash and sick of fighting with insurance. I thought I would do alright. I didn't do well and had to go back on in June. I know that you dont want to end up back in hospital. I hope you decide to take it and keep up with the counseling and other things you are doing so you can enjoy your children and your good life.

 

[Nin]

Dont mean to be harsh at all. I am only speaking from experience. I quit my anti depressant at Christmas when I ran out and was short of cash and sick of fighting with insurance. I thought I would do alright. I didnt do well and had to go back on in June. I know that you dont want to end up back in hospital. I hope you decide to take it and keep up with the counseling and other things you are doing so you can enjoy your children and your good life.

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I just feel like everything I'm doing now is to become "me" again. I'm not "me" on those things. And I feel like my issues with taking them regularly has made them become more harmful than good. A couple days of forgetting them and my anxiety spikes through the roof even if everything else is fine. Even on the days I take them it's never at the same time of day. Same reason I gave up on the pill and went with an IUD, lol.

I want to control this without any meds. But there are nights when no breathing exercise or meditation in the world seems to help me (even when I'm on the Zoloft). I need to just get myself back and calm in that moment so life can move on and I can finish dinner or whatever I'm doing. Unfortunately there just doesn't seem to be a way to do it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome.

Most PTSD drugs are daily drugs. The only ones that aren't are benzodiazepines which can cause dependence. If you go into a doctors office and tell them you only want such as needed drugs, you will (can) be labeled as drug seeking. It doesn't matter that you are a teacher and mother. They just see your resistance to taking non-addictive drugs coupled with seeking out the addictive ones. It is a red flag to them.

It may stink, but you have to pay your dues so to speak. You've got to try the daily meds to show that it isn't just drug seeking behavior.

I've been on a ton of drugs, but my doctor has built up trust in me and I only have a script for Ativan. He has seen how I handle my meds and knows I am not abusing them. (If anything, I don't take them when I should, so that's his only problem with me at the moment.)

I'm not trying to be harsh, rather explain the realities of getting and taking medication.

 

[Nin]

It may stink, but you have to pay your dues so to speak. You've got to try the daily meds to show that it isn't just drug seeking behavior.

Well it doesn't seem very fair to "pay my dues" because of how my ex beat me for a decade. I spent half a year and it didn't work. I gave up on Zoloft because it made things worse because daily pills cause problems when not taken daily. But because I panic so bad that I can't function and want to gain control over the fear, I must be a drug seeker? I want to take control back. If I was going to "score" I'm sure there's much funner stuff than Ativan out there, lol. I have a life to live, work to do, children to raise... I will do whatever it takes to get that control back. I don't have time to waste on ant depressants that don't help me and take away who I am. Now more than ever I feel determined to find my own way to conquer this without those shrink-a-dinks :)

 

[mamachick]

Just as it takes time for them to begin working, you need to maintain that level in you system for the best relief, and the only way is to pick a time of day and committ to taking them. I know its hard to remember, but we remember to brush our teeth and feed our kids, we can remember to take a pill. Set the alarm on your phone if you need to assure you have taken it before leaving in morning or going to bed. It sounds like you have a supportive husband, maybe enlisting him to help to remind you.

It may not be forever. I know that they do make you feel like not yourself right now, but yourself will return eventually. If you are taking one that treats anxiety well, its likely that it makes you feel more mellow and interferes with a bubbly personality. It may make you feel like you have less personality. Thats not a bad trade off for ridding of anxiety attacks. I wish I was on one that reduced anxiety. I know some cause weight gain as well. If you can just think of it as temporary, such as consider doing it for a year while attending counseling and then re-examining going off them. After some good therapy, you may discover that you no longer need them as well. Its worth a try. Wishing you the best and sending support your way. I have been there. No judgement intended. Just hoping that you can get your life back and it be better than past and present, and it sounds like you have so much going for you.