These situations were not your fault. You did not force your husband to punch a wall, you did not force him to yell at you, you did not force him to yell at you in public, you did not force him to rifle through your friend's belongings and invade her privacy by going through her cell phone. That is all on him. That is not on you.
You chose to speak to a friend who was male and to rely on him for comfort and support (along with female friends if I'm remembering correctly). Your husband was upset, but the choice he made was to lash out at you, to behave abusively, to scare the shit out of you, to abdicate any and all responsibility for his own feelings and his own actions. When my partner does something that rubs me the wrong way or upsets me, I say "When you do this, I feel like this. Is there any way you could stop doing X?" That is not what your husband did, but it is what he could've done. He could've talked to you calmly and rationally, he could've asked you for what he wanted and needed, he could've talked about his feelings, he could've asked you about your feelings, he could've asked what in your marriage was making it hard for you to talk to him, you could've negotiated your relationship together. But that is not the choice he made. And apparently those are never the kinds of choices that he makes.
This is not a one-time incident, but a pattern of behaviour that involves him blaming you for every choice he makes so that he doesn't have to do a goddamn thing to fix anything. This is normal abusive behaviour. I grew up in a home like that, where *everything* bad that ever happened was all my fault, even though I was a child. It is fudging hard to unlearn this behaviour. But you need to unlearn this behaviour because it is absolutely not your f*cking fault and this is how your abuser keeps you trapped. And one day it might start making its way to the children. One day his feelings and his behaviours are going to be all their fault, because the one thing that's consistent is that it's never going to be his. If it was his fault, he could change. He would have to change. But as things stand, the burden is all on you. Every piece of relationship work is all on you. He doesn't have to do a thing except tell you endlessly that you're not good enough, that you're doing things wrong, that every bad feeling he's ever had and every bad action he ever CHOSE is on you. How can that be true?!
Do you really feel like you're in control? I've read your other postings, and a recurring theme is his attempts to control you. This disgustingly cruel blame game is just another attempt to control you, and I would argue from personal experience that it's the worst one. This is how he holds you hostage. You are not happy, you maybe want to leave, you are clearly in pain and hurting and you are being told endlessly that it's all your fault by someone who you loved and trusted, who is supposed to love you too. It f*cks us up something fierce when someone who is supposed to love us loves us in a way that hurts and then tells us we're responsible for the pain. This is not your fault. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you. And you deserve to be happy and safe. His abusive behaviour is not your fault and you can't change it. Only he can change it. What you can do, what you are responsible for is figuring out what you want and need. I know that you might think you deserved his abusive behaviour, that you "earned" it in some way, but put that stuff aside for now. What do you want and need for you and the kids? What would make you feel happy and safe?
I forgot to mention this earlier, but you are not alone, okay? I know it will feel like it, and sometimes you will physically be alone, but you always have this board and the people on it, and you have friends who care about you. Trust in this and trust in you.
You chose to speak to a friend who was male and to rely on him for comfort and support (along with female friends if I'm remembering correctly). Your husband was upset, but the choice he made was to lash out at you, to behave abusively, to scare the shit out of you, to abdicate any and all responsibility for his own feelings and his own actions. When my partner does something that rubs me the wrong way or upsets me, I say "When you do this, I feel like this. Is there any way you could stop doing X?" That is not what your husband did, but it is what he could've done. He could've talked to you calmly and rationally, he could've asked you for what he wanted and needed, he could've talked about his feelings, he could've asked you about your feelings, he could've asked what in your marriage was making it hard for you to talk to him, you could've negotiated your relationship together. But that is not the choice he made. And apparently those are never the kinds of choices that he makes.
This is not a one-time incident, but a pattern of behaviour that involves him blaming you for every choice he makes so that he doesn't have to do a goddamn thing to fix anything. This is normal abusive behaviour. I grew up in a home like that, where *everything* bad that ever happened was all my fault, even though I was a child. It is fudging hard to unlearn this behaviour. But you need to unlearn this behaviour because it is absolutely not your f*cking fault and this is how your abuser keeps you trapped. And one day it might start making its way to the children. One day his feelings and his behaviours are going to be all their fault, because the one thing that's consistent is that it's never going to be his. If it was his fault, he could change. He would have to change. But as things stand, the burden is all on you. Every piece of relationship work is all on you. He doesn't have to do a thing except tell you endlessly that you're not good enough, that you're doing things wrong, that every bad feeling he's ever had and every bad action he ever CHOSE is on you. How can that be true?!
Do you really feel like you're in control? I've read your other postings, and a recurring theme is his attempts to control you. This disgustingly cruel blame game is just another attempt to control you, and I would argue from personal experience that it's the worst one. This is how he holds you hostage. You are not happy, you maybe want to leave, you are clearly in pain and hurting and you are being told endlessly that it's all your fault by someone who you loved and trusted, who is supposed to love you too. It f*cks us up something fierce when someone who is supposed to love us loves us in a way that hurts and then tells us we're responsible for the pain. This is not your fault. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you. And you deserve to be happy and safe. His abusive behaviour is not your fault and you can't change it. Only he can change it. What you can do, what you are responsible for is figuring out what you want and need. I know that you might think you deserved his abusive behaviour, that you "earned" it in some way, but put that stuff aside for now. What do you want and need for you and the kids? What would make you feel happy and safe?
I forgot to mention this earlier, but you are not alone, okay? I know it will feel like it, and sometimes you will physically be alone, but you always have this board and the people on it, and you have friends who care about you. Trust in this and trust in you.
