Feeling manipulated

[zoie33]

Sorry this is so long and confusing. Does anyone else's therapist seem to get exasperated with them when doing cognitive reframing during CBT? I'm not trying to bash my therapist I know it's probably an issue that I'm having and I'm just trying to understand how to deal with it. I have some pretty twisted thoughts on how I deserved the abuse I received and I know he is trying to work on reframing these thoughts. Just for a little bit of background I used to be a teacher and I have Alters. At the beginning of yesterday's session I told him that I am in kid mentality most of the time and the only time I can think from an adult's perspective is when I'm in work mode. I told him this because I know he tried to get me to think from adults perspective when we are doing EMDR and I have difficulty doing that. So during the reframe CBT session I was telling him that the abuse I received was karma for some bad things I had done as a teenager. I could see in his face that he was getting fed up with me and he forced me into work mode by asking me what I I would have done as punishment for teenage students who did the same thing that I had done. I told him and he was happy with my answer because that was the logical thing to do. So because I told him what I would have done as a teacher in that situation that is the way he wants me to think but that's not the way I think even though I know that that's the correct form of punishment. So I said something about my not really feeling that way or whatever and he looked at me very sternly and said no I'm asking you because you're an educator. Again he was forcing me back into work mode. I felt really manipulated.
I don't know there's probably some transference there too which I've never experienced before either but I just felt that I told him about the work mode thing in confidence as a way to help with EMDR because I know in EMDR and he turned it around on me to get the answer he wanted during CBT. I also have huge honesty issues which he knows about so now I'm even more torn because he made me go into work mode and and say that yes this is what should be the punishment for the crime for the imaginary kids but in my head using my thinking mode for me personally, the punishment (abuse) that I received was deserved. The two are very conflicting which means I'm not being honest when I say one of them. I'm just so confused and I feel used and manipulated. Any ideas on how I can get myself to think differently?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Based on what you've written it sounds like he's just trying to help but your feelings are really important so I think you should definitely tell him about feeling manipulated. It's also COMPLETELY normal to thing 2 opposite things. I do that all the time in therapy. Part of me wants to be stuck in that old mentality because it's easier and because I KNOW it. I KNOW those beliefs. Those beliefs kept me safe, even if they were complete bull$hit. And then I have this wiser part of me that has some good answers and I can say what's true but still feel the old way. TOTALLY normal!!!!! In time, your feelings WILL catch up. It's like when you're told you went through trauma but you think it's no big deal. So they say well it's trauma because of x, y and z and from their perspective you can kinda see it. So after awhile you say "ok, maybe that WAS trauma" but you don't believe it. But the evidence is there. Those childhood beliefs are super tough to change. It takes time. Maybe tell him you're having a tough time with that and ask him if he's exasperated. Unless it was completely obvious you may be mind-reading. I do that all the time. I think my therapist hates me a lot of the time (major transference) but I also know for sure she doesn't and only wants to help me. So it's a total mindfuque. Welcome to therapy! Lol. You are doing super great. Talk it out. Get some peace with his reassurances. If he tells you he was exasperated, gtf out and find someone else. We need boatloads of patience. My first therapist would sigh because I didn't know what to say and would yell at me...

 

[woundedmind]

If you think about it, manipulation in some form is common in human exchanges. When manipulation is basically harmless its fine, when it becomes abusive then its not fine. However, getting what we need is a product of manipulation in some form, again.

The whole point of CBT is to get you to change your thought processes which interfere with healthy functioning and from being stuck. When you're in irrational thinking mode, this is his trick and maybe needs to become your trick to escape it and look at things rationally and reframe your experience (gaint a different perspective) that helps you go forward in a healthy manner. Good luck.

 

[zoie33]

Thank you for the reassurance I have been totally pleased with this therapist I've been seeing him for 6 months now and I really felt like I trusted him but yesterday it's like he flipped the switch on me. We don't do CBT very often it's usually EMDR and he's always very kind and EMDR. We will definitely be discussing this at the next session but I have to write down my feelings because I just am crying to hysterically whenever I think about it. It's just that my self harm is getting out of control this weekend and with the way I lost Trust on Friday I don't think I'll be saying anything about that to him.

@woundedmind... are you saying his 'trick" is to get me to go into work mode to think differently?

 

[ButterflyBean]

OK, so first things first. Take a deep breath. Therapy is a difficult process that can stir up all kinds of feelings we have to work through, both in and outside of session. Second, I am currently getting my masters in counseling, so you could say that I am a counselor-in-training. Take what I say with a grain of salt, and leave the rest if it doesn't apply to you.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't really like CBT, so I get where you're coming from in that respect. However, approach and technique doesn't matter if the therapeutic relationship is broken or damaged. It's extremely important and critically essential to tell your therapist what is working and what is not. If the reframing and restructuring feels manipulate to you, then something needs to change despite what the intention of your therapist is. I doubt that he intended to "manipulate" you, but the important thing is to recognize and validate how you actually feel. Instead of viewing the shift as manipulation, would it be possible to think of it as a change in perspective?

It's also important to look at your therapeutic goals. You and your therapist should be on the same page about this, even though talking about goals can be difficult, at least it is for me. He may be trying to help you "think differently", but is that what you want? For example, if you want to reduce your symptoms, think about how you're going to get there, and how your therapist can help you. I'm sure the plan does not include manipulation of any kind, but you could certainly discuss how your experience of CBT and EMDR felt vastly different, and his tactic of "manipulation" caused you to lose trust in the relationship. I hope some of this helps you, and that you are able to work through this therapeutic rupture to get back on track!

 

[Muted]

Forgive me @zoie33 if I'm completely off base here, but these are some questions/thoughts I had:

Is it possible that your therapist is attempting to speak to one of your alters or bring out your adult self?

If so on the adult self part he may be trying to bring out that adult self and assist you with you learning to take control or communicate with your parts.

It can take me a minute or so, but sometimes I'm aware of my t speaking specifically to one of my parts. I like it because it feels like she knows all of me unlike other people sometimes who want to mold me into their own view of me.

 

[zoie33]

Gia1019...thanks for your comment. It is entirely true that this was his intention. I have an alter who is causing me to have horrible stomach spasms whenever I even think of therapy or memories of any kind. This alter I believe has a secret that they do not want me to discover and they do not want me doing any therapy. The spasms have been going on for a few months not but I had just discovered this alter's identity on Tuesday and had told me T. T said at the beginning of Friday's session that based on what I said about the new alter, that he thought it best that we stop EMDR for awhile and just focus on working with my alters. That is when I told him about my inability to think from an adult's perspective unless I was in work mode. He repeated it back like it was a new discovery "work mode" which I thought was a bit strange at the time.
I think you may be right. I still feel manipulated though and regardless of his intention I am sure he had no idea of the aftermath it would trigger with my alter named PAIN. It has been a very rough and painful weekend for me and we will definitely be discussing his intentions on Tuesday. As to telling him about PAIN's actions, I will have to see how he responds to the manipulation part of it. I am a bit scared to tell him anything right now. I guess what makes matters worse is that I am still in denial over the whole alters thing. While I honestly tell him what I experience with my so called alters, deep down inside I am still in denial over them and just want to believe that they were all just made up in my head. This is all rather new to me as I have only been aware of alters for the past month or so. T saying he wanted to work on my alters made it feel a bit too real and scary.

 

[Muted]

I understand the scariness of the alters thing. I was in complete denial of it too until one day I was going back to work after a session and just flat panicked. I called my t and was terrified, but very ready to admit to having alters. Looking back, that was definitely the worst part of it. I'm amazed at how fast both her and I have gotten to know and understand them. Now, it doesn't seem so bad. Something she told me that really helped is that each one has a purpose or a job and they're all working to protect your core self. Realizing that helped me to accept them and try to understand their perspective. It can be chaotic at times, but their motive is ultimately pure. Truly, I think if he's aware of them, that in itself is a good sign that he's on the right track. If you can try and be patient and give him a chance, I can only imagine how challenging I've been to my t at times!

 

[Deleted member 35429]

My understanding is that T's job is to get the adult part to come to therapy each session and ideally adult part learns to communicate with and look after child parts. Sounds like he's just doing his job. It's understandable that this feels threatening to a child part...he's not trying to betray your child part, he's trying to get your adult part to help her.

 

[zoie33]

Yeah I get it now. The problem is that I had just finished telling him that my normal adult self is usually in an older child part. I told him that adult point of views and child point-of views have always been blurred to me. As a child I always thought of myself as an adult and as soon as I became an adult with adult freedom's all I wanted to do was be a child which gets further complicated because it's not like I wanted to be the child I was because that was basically an adult. It's just all so confusing to me. And the only reason I told him that work mode is really the only way I can look at things from an adult point of view is because I thought we were going to do EMDR. We have never worked on parts during any kind of talk therapy yet. I'm sure he really didn't mean anything by it but maybe next time he can explain that he wants to speak to the adult part. That might go over a little better for me. Or maybe he was just having a bad day and the things I told him didn't sit right with him who knows. I am looking forward to my session tomorrow though so we can get it all hashed out.
In the end some good came out of it as I learned things about new alters and I battled it out with my PAIN alter so I think we've come to a new understanding. Out of desperation with battling PAIN I actually have changed my thinking around to the way T wants me to think. So in the end he got what he wanted I just had to go through hell to get there. I really appreciate everybody's comments.

 

[Friday]

Of course you're being manipulated. It's his job to manipulate you. Just like it's your job to manipulate your students. Sure both of you could not do it (he could just tell you stop that, or get better; you could just tell your students to learn this, or behave), but but being good at a career that moves people from Point A to Point B? Means knowing how to inspire them, challenge them, very deliberately plot out a course that motivates them, to open their eyes to things they've never seen or thought before. To change the course of their lives, by lighting the spark, building them up, helping them find their own strengths, and how to use them.

Just because some people use manipulation to tear others down? Doesn't mean that thoughtfully and intentionally moving a person from Point A to Point B is inherently a bad thing. Even if that's your own experience with being on the receiving end of it, as you almost undoubtedly reverse it for all of your students? You know first hand manipulation can be used to help, as well as hurt. It doesn't mean you're out of control when you're on the receiving end. We have to allow another person to have influence over us. You've probably seen it with your kids; there are undoubtedly some who absolutely refuse to take in anything that you offer them, no matter what way you offer it. There are undoubtedly others that you have to search for, to find a way to get through to them, because the normal routes are walled off. Same with your therapist. Finding ways to reach you? Helping you get from Point A to Point B? Is his job. But since you're not a kid? You can help him do it. Sometimes he'll be a coach motivating the team, but the more collaborative you can get? More like a teammate, both of you working together to get to the goals you want to. Or back in the academic sphere; less a teacher, more a mentor.