Feeling Out Of It, Keep Thinking About Suicide

[LanaD]

Hi guys,

I'm in such an awful state, like my mind was shaken up and the pieces haven't fallen back into place, and I haven't been able to do any work today, which is driving me crazy.

Last night I went to bed with some awful thoughts in my head and kept thinking about what a relief suicide would be. I slept badly also because I had painful cramps, and woke up thinking about how to organize my funeral. I feel I don't have anyone to talk about this, and I don't get to see my therapist till later this week, not that I think he gets it. Trouble is the method that came to me last night made total sense, and it scares me. I don't want to die.

It's one of those days when I'm just out of sorts and wish I had someone to hug me and tell me it'll be ok, and not having someone like that makes me feel worse.

 

[Claire9547]

Can only send a virtual (((hug))) I'm afraid.but do know where you're coming from with way your feeling.xx I have days similar so your not alone.Its frustrating as far from wanting to die its just wanting the pain,be it physical or mental to stop.
Don't be too hard on yourself ,treat yourself to something be it time to watch a feel good movie,visit family or friends or just a cream cake. I find either of these makes me start to feel better...especially being around friends.xx

 

[Ronin]

It'll be okay Lana.

You've got a beautiful name & I bet you're more beautiful person, things will turn out well and let your beauty shine.

You not alone. It may take a while, but it will be okay.

 

[LanaD]

Can only send a virtual (((hug))) I'm afraid.but do know where you're coming from with way your feel...

Thank you for the virtual hug! I keep treating myself and it feels like that's all I do :/ I'm a little distrustful of my friends at the moment; the women, who've all been through sexual harassment of some sort, brush me off, and the men, well, aren't very supportive (I feel like one friend shouldn't even be my friend anymore). I keep trying to make new friends :)

 

[LanaD]

It'll be okay Lana.

You've got a beautiful name & I bet you're more beautiful person, things will turn...

That's kind of you :) Yes, it will be ok. I'll keep telling myself that. It always is ok.

 

[Claire9547]

Thank you for the virtual hug! I keep treating myself and it feels like that's all I do :/ I'm a little...

I get that.going through simular myself...you probably remind the women ,and if they haven't dealt with it your a reminder.
If buried in past especially,when I started working it was normal for men to make derogatory and sexual suggestions...i complained and was told to stop being sensitive its just fun!! I know different now and since I've been more vocal about experiences to friends its surprising the amount that has gone on. If that makes sense!!
I don't know your background so hard to say too much.xx
But I find it especially hard to trust men ,they all seem to have ulterior motives...

 

[Mim28]

I'm sending you hugs and love. I hope you are feeling better. I've had some scary thoughts lately and decided to call crisis services just to have someone to talk to. My appointment is in 2 days and I'm nervous. I don't want to leave the house. Please get some numbers of resources you can call anytime. And people here are so kind. Please take care and know we value you.

 

[LanaD]

I'm sending you hugs and love. I hope you are feeling better. I've had some scary thoughts lately and d...

Thanks for your advice. I never really know what to say to the crisis people. All I feel like doing is going under the covers and not coming out for 100 years.

 

[cindy3]

Does anyone have advice on how to make it better. I think of these thoughts quite often. I try to be kind to myself and meditate ext. But most of the time it is so bad I can't even do that. Last night I told myself it was time to come up with a solid plan, I have been thinking about cutting myself which is new for me. I feel like I am always going back and forth between not wanting to get out of it wanting to die, (almost like I am punishing myself) and wanting to find a way to make it better) I am so sick of suffering. I don't want to feel shity like this all the time.

 

[Mim28]

Thanks for your advice. I never really know what to say to the crisis people. All I feel like doing is go...

Me too. Right now I'm on top of the covers. Not sure but that might be a good step.

 

[LanaD]

Me too. Right now I'm on top of the covers. Not sure but that might be a good step.

haha, it's definitely a step up from being under them :)

 

[LanaD]

Hey guys,

Thank you for your comments. I'm feeling slightly better. I was thinking that what makes it really hard is being and doing everything alone. It's overwhelming sometimes. I was already dealing with depression before the assault, which has messed up most of my year and now I'm feeling overwhelmed and pathetic for having made choices that seem wrong now.

I'm trying to stay positive but there are times when I have these thoughts come out of left field and I feel like it's all a pipe dream. That's when I dip. Today I dipped and came back up a few times. Doing my best to hang in there.