Feeling pretty hopeless

[Marie E.]

I'm in a seemingly hopeless situation. I live with my uncle and mom. I left my place over a year ago trusting a man, but in the end he turned out to be somebody else and turned gradually abusive.

I escaped by going to a shelter, took a bus that in the end crashed after I was the first dropped off. Not everyone survived. Anyways, I ended up living with my uncle and mom.

The problem is that I am on ssi, saving, have to fill out housing applications and wait for a spot for however long. My uncle owns the place, but enables my narcissistic like mom to abuse me. She has a mental illness obviously, talks a lot to herself, bosses me around, shames me for coming out of the abusive relationship, thinks she is so much better because she has a job. Yet she can't save to move out. She demands respect and if she doesn't get her way, than people need help. She projects on me. It's hurtful and I'm having trouble healing.

I have a doctors appointment in a month, than will set up therapy after getting antidepressants. I'm trying my best to keep it together as I sometimes feel suicidal. I have no emotional support.

I was wondering if anyone had some ideas of how I can cope. I just feel worthless.

 

[Marie E.]

Well, I have a temporary solution. My Dad and I are setting up a 2 week visit to see him. I will be able to get relief for a while. So that is 16 days away from the hell hole I'm in since it takes a day to get there and a day back. I should have a doctor appointment soon enough. *Sigh*

 

[nomorefear]

I am so glad you will be getting a break from your situation. I hope you are able to think and plan a course of action while you are away. I read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud several years ago. It really helped me have a voice and set up boundaries so my mother couldn't continue to abuse me. Even though you live in the same house, there are still things you can do to "separate" yourself from her and not allow her to bully and abuse you.

 

[Marie E.]

Thank you, I am a big book reader, especially on psychology. I don't mean to complain, but she has narcissistic symptoms and is hard to deal with. (Can't say what mental illness as I can't diagnose but other people notice too.) She is self centered, no respect unless she wants something, hardly shuts up.

I will buy the book on kindle tomorrow. Thanks again!

 

[Still Standing]

Marie,

I love your name. It has lots of sweetness to it, for me. It seems to be name that weaves itself on both sides of the family. It is also my middle name. So, I was drawn to it when I saw your post.

It is hard to live with someone, especially your mom, who is mentally ill. Mine was, too. Mine had Paranoid Personality Disorder and I am certain was narcissistic, too. She was always in control and everything evolved around her. It was tough. I totally understand the depression and feelings of wanting it all to stop, including thinking about suicide. But, those reactions are simply defensive, thinking they are a way out of your situation. But, you deserve better than that. You have to take what you understand about your mom and make decisions accordingly. Make your room your boundary of safety. Tell your mom she is not allowed in your room without being invited in and you will do the same about her room. If she does not honor that, see if your uncle will let you put a lock on your door. Do what you can, in little ways, to make living where you are a bit easier. And do not take what your mom says, personally, even if she calls you names. She is ranting at the breeze. You know she is wrong; don't take it on as false truth.

I moved back home a couple of times and it was difficult, at times. It was a great day when the moving away was final. I still had to cope with mom and her phone calls and occasional visits, but by then, I knew she was mentally unstable and refused to let her control me. You are in process. You will be able to move away and be on your own, too. It is a waiting game, for sure, but you can do it. Seeing your Dad may be the break you need, as you are hoping. Is there a possibility that you could stay with him longer than 2 wks? Any break is good so I am hoping this one will help you calm and regroup.

 

[Marie E.]

@Still Standing I'm sorry you have had to deal with a mentally ill mother as well! Thank you for your support and my middle name is Marie as well, I used it most of my life.

I wish I had a room, but only my mom and uncle have one. I sleep in the living room on a couch bed. I do see it helpful to get out of defensive thinking with just wishing it away. I'm currently reading about narcissistic mom's and soon boundaries.

As for my father, well the rule is a 2 week visit as he lives in a apartment. He is gathering housing applications for me and I will do the same here.

I've been limiting my contact with my mom, got fed up and ignored her. I should just make a bit of small talk here and there as she gets easily offended. It certainly doesn't help when my uncle enables her and basically tells me not to defend myself cause he doesn't want to deal with or hear her. No validation over here, just denial. For heavens sake my mom dresses weird and acts 2yrs old basically, lol!

Anyways, sorry for the long rant!

 

[Still Standing]

Nope, don't feel sorry. Ranting in a safe place like here, is good. It might help relieve some tension. And it is nice that others can relate to you and support you. It is nice to know that you Dad is trying to help you with housing applications. This is only a season and not a forever situation with your mom. I hope you find a way to obtain your own housing and can better focus on your emotional health. ?

 

[Marie E.]

@Still Standing I thank you for your kindness as I have been feeling all alone lately and overwhelmed with my emotions. It seems a rather long season, but if I focus more on myself than my mom, I think it will pass faster.

I just got to focus on not taking her personally as you've said. I'm going to look up a few positive affirmations online to destress myself so she can't trigger me as much. I will let her have her problems, projections and she can keep that bs!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you for sharing! I'll be honest, I have an emotional view on the situation. Last winter(about a year ago) I had to live on my parent's couch for 3-4 months. They have done the best they could with me and my brother, but frankly living with them right now isn't healthy for either side. My mom has become toxic and negative- I am fairly certain she has anxiety issues, but for her anxiety and depression are excuses to be lazy, so she won't seek help. Anyway, I had to live with them while looking for a job, and that was toxic and harder and harder every day. And they don't have a guest room yet(they had recently moved in place to renovate) and so I didn't even have a door to separate me from them. When I came to them I was already highly depressed and anxious and my health was a wreck in every way, and I needed a lot of support and positivity...needless to say that isn't what I got. Slowly my mom's negativity build over my own bad health and 2 months into that I became so depressed I barely got out of bed in most day... I couldn't make myself even when my mom called me lazy for doing so. Even when I was looking for jobs I did that on the couch wrapped in blankets.

It was an awful time! I don't blame my parents. I'm sure it all came out of good intention, but nevertheless it wasn't healthy for me at the time. The best thing I did was finally getting out of the situation, even if that meant I took loans for a while. I know this goes beyond practical logic, but I needed it. My health was so bad by the end, that I kept applying for jobs and getting no where, and getting highly suicidal and not talking about it, even when I saw my best friend and talked to her. I had to get out of the situation, to start really trying with getting work, and to start really looking for help for my mental health. And to this day this was the best decision.

If you have a choice, any choice or option, leave that situation. If it's bad for your health, and there is any option to leave, even unconventional, just leave the situation. Anyways, I wish you the best, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. I hope you find solution soon.

 

[Marie E.]

@SeekingAfrica Thanks for showing me your story of experience. I find it to be very helpful and I don't feel so alone now!

Currently I am choosing to save rather than visiting my Dad. I tried being roommates with a family friend a few months ago, but moved back to uncle's as the guy was a verbally abusive alcoholic.

I think I will stay here, fill out several housing applications, busy myself with self care. If it gets bad enough at times with my mom, I will go out on my own for peace of mind, ignore her or do the grey rock method where she will find me boring.

I got a doctor appointment at end of month. I will get my antidepressants. I have the suicidal hotline and 24/7 text saved to my phone. Now to make a therapy and dentist appointment.

It's hard to get motivated and that is why I have to reprogram my thinking to care more about myself than my mom.