Feeling Really Down Right Now

[tiredmomma]

It's been another 2 hour sleep night for me. To the doctors in 5 hours. I'm despairing at the lack of help I'm anticipating. It's been rape flashbacks whenever I try to return to bed.

I had sleeping problems when I was 9. Before age 9 my memory is gone. When I was 10 or 11 my parents took me to the doctor about my sleeping issues. They (being the abusers) stayed in the room and told the doctor all about my "bad behaviour" and the doctor scolded me and told me to drink less tea. Unfortunately that is my same family doctor now. Fortunately I am not seeing him for this coming appointment.

My intention is to tell the doctor about my symptoms, (indeed without informing him of my condition), listening to their recommendations and then bringing up some of those mentioned here. I am particularly interested in learning more about hypnotic sedatives, as I've never heard of them before - and while regular ones make me groggy, my mind has no problem stressing through them and keeping me awake. Failing my word, perhaps the huge dark circles under my eyes will do.

Has anybody else had a similar experience ?? I'd really like to know how common is the above nightmare-scenario ??

It has been about a year since it stopped - but I used to wake up with lock-jaw, and be paralyzed and unable to breath through my nose. Thus I would wake up suffocating, which is what my main tormentor used to do to me (choking). It would take all my will power to relax enough that I could breath, and even then it was small gasps through the nose that barely kept me from passing out.

 

[anni]

Tired Mom,

I have nothing to add from the 'tips' standpoint because so many here have been so soundly helpful already. I'm only writing because I've only just read your postings from beginning to present, and wished to tell you that I think you're incredible! Perhaps you do not feel that way, and of course given the fact that you have PTSD it's likely you do not. :)

Others have put it much more articulately than I can, but still wish to say that I very much admire your constant, 'forward' movement. You just seem to be doing every single thing you can to be BETTER despite feeling so awful. That's just a really positive thing to see.

Please excuse if that sounds a little trite. It's well intended!

Take care,

Anni

 

[Hemels]

Hi tiredmomma,

I thought I would share my medatating exercise my mother told me when I was 12 and first started with PTSD.

• Lie down in bed and get comfortable.

• Imagine all your problems and issues that are keeping you awake are just lined up infront of you as objects. Touch the objects in your minds eye if you like.

• There is a wastepaper bin on the floor to your right. The bin can see you are distressed and wanting to go to sleep so he asks you to point of the issues that you would like to bin and the issues you feel you'd like to deal with tomorrow.

• Imagine each object in turn (which represents each issue) being moved to the bin or to a place at the side of your bed, Feel the strain being lifted off your shoulders.

By the time you reach the last object if done correctly you will be sounds asleep with nothing major on your mind. Don't worry if you get to the last object and you still have lots on your mind, just start the process again.

I hope this works for you, It certainly work wonders for me and has done ever since.

All the best

Hemmy xXx

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

I can relate to lots of things you have said. If your Dr doesn't listen, I would find one that does.

My Dr told me that moving was running away from the problem and wouldn't make it any better. I didn't listen, I have never moved so much in all my life as I have in the last 18 months. Now I want to move back to where it all started??? It is very unsettling for everyone, especially the kids. As for you moving, who knows. My situation was/is completely different, you can always give it a go and see if you find more peace in a new place.

I go through months of using sleeping tablets to sleep and then I can manage to sleep without them for a while. I tried all sorts of herbal stuff that didn't work at all. I find that I can sleep in the day, because I feel so exhausted, and seem to be able to meditate myself to sleep. At night, I seem more hyperaroused, alone, and can't turn my brain off.

Take care and good luck
Clydie

 

[tiredmomma]

Indeed there has been so many helpful and supportive comments - many thanks to all! For sure I need them.

Clydie - I too can sleep much easier in the day, sometimes I wonder if I am just programmed differently than socially acceptable. Not that it matters much, I still need to find a way to get up in the mornings. I have moved away, and was gone for 5 years. I moved back and did all I think I can do here to heal. I confronted my father, I've talked to my mother - who was unwilling to speak to me. I've contacted and spoke with my old social worker. I've faced one of my rapists, the other being dead. He was more afraid of me than I of him. He did not want to face me - I think I understand why. I feel there isn’t much left here except ghosts to haunt me. I do not wish for this statement to come off as defensive ( I fear it may), but rather as informative, I’ve thought of the possibility of this being a “running away” response, and concluded it is not. I hope I am correct.

The Doctor

He seemed sympathetic to my condition - he listened to everything I had to say. He made no referrals despite both mine and my husbands’ request. At least I was able to have my husband present - as my husband always says I do not make my case adamantly enough. He gave me a prescription for Mirtazapine, aka Remeron. The first 15mg dose knocked me out for 24hours. The second dose I cut in half and it seems better. But I’m angry and saddened, I feel like garbage. I feel drunk, like I’m dragging myself around. I feel worse.

I’m going to continue at half doses to see if I adjust any. And I’m going to go find the appropriate place to vent about my husband who I am thinking of leaving.

"What can't be cured must be endured." - R. Burton