I've never tried a forum like this one, but I figure it can't hurt.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. Seeking treatment isn't an option for me right now, but I've tried on and off in the past, and never seen improvement (that, or the treatment was cut short before I could see improvement). If anything, being asked to rehash the trauma for a therapist only makes my symptoms worse.
More than anything else, I just feel incredibly alone right now. Last year I moved to a new city, started college, and I wanted so badly for this to be the beginning of something good. But this is so, so hard, and nothing I do is good enough.
My life was interrupted so many times by my father's abuse, the resulting court cases, periods of foster care and subsequently homelessness, that I never kept or made close friends, and now I have no idea how to. There's nothing I could tell anyone about my life that they'd be comfortable hearing. I don't really have anything in the way of family, but that didn't bother me when I was young. I'd always been attached to the idea of 'chosen family' and believed that one day I would grow up and find mine, and life would get better. As it turns out, I'm much too 'damaged' to manage that, and it hurts. It feels like there's no future for me.
I never used to believe that I deserved the abuse, but I do now. I feel like people can do whatever they want to me, and no one would care enough to stop them. It's like I have nothing in common with anyone I know, and that it's my job to keep my whole life a secret so that I don't scare them off. I feel like people are always ultimately selfish and cruel, and I don't want to think that way. But I'm a mess, and as a result I think I've recently destroyed one of the only friendships I've ever had.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need some sort of an outlet, or a place to share the things I can't (or shouldn't) with anyone in my life, and I'm hoping this forum can be that. I want to connect with other people who are struggling with trauma, and to see what has worked for you. And maybe I'll get to a point where I can help someone else, too.
Thank you, if you've read all of that!
I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. Seeking treatment isn't an option for me right now, but I've tried on and off in the past, and never seen improvement (that, or the treatment was cut short before I could see improvement). If anything, being asked to rehash the trauma for a therapist only makes my symptoms worse.
More than anything else, I just feel incredibly alone right now. Last year I moved to a new city, started college, and I wanted so badly for this to be the beginning of something good. But this is so, so hard, and nothing I do is good enough.
My life was interrupted so many times by my father's abuse, the resulting court cases, periods of foster care and subsequently homelessness, that I never kept or made close friends, and now I have no idea how to. There's nothing I could tell anyone about my life that they'd be comfortable hearing. I don't really have anything in the way of family, but that didn't bother me when I was young. I'd always been attached to the idea of 'chosen family' and believed that one day I would grow up and find mine, and life would get better. As it turns out, I'm much too 'damaged' to manage that, and it hurts. It feels like there's no future for me.
I never used to believe that I deserved the abuse, but I do now. I feel like people can do whatever they want to me, and no one would care enough to stop them. It's like I have nothing in common with anyone I know, and that it's my job to keep my whole life a secret so that I don't scare them off. I feel like people are always ultimately selfish and cruel, and I don't want to think that way. But I'm a mess, and as a result I think I've recently destroyed one of the only friendships I've ever had.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need some sort of an outlet, or a place to share the things I can't (or shouldn't) with anyone in my life, and I'm hoping this forum can be that. I want to connect with other people who are struggling with trauma, and to see what has worked for you. And maybe I'll get to a point where I can help someone else, too.
Thank you, if you've read all of that!
