Feeling scared of anger

[Treaty]

Hi! I used to be a member here. This forum used to be a great place. I hope it still is.

Anyway. I’m @#$&”#. I’ve been doing very well last few years. I would say it’s kind of been like a miracle. I started doing much better a few years ago.

I never expected to start to do better but I did.

Fast forward to today. Stuff happened that is maybe too long to go into here but I’ve been struggling since November. I’ve been in and out.

I am afraid of my own anger. In this sort of ptsd zone. Basically this friend I had moved here 2.5years ago and wouldn’t respect my boundaries.

And I got away from him and I thought I made it out okay. It was a provoking situation but I seemed to have all in all gotten through. Fast forward to nov. and I am triggered like a delayed reaction.

I start engaging in arguing. Feeling totally out of my mind by the way. I feel like I’ve entered into at times a state of loss of control. It’s scary. I feel like I could get arrested. And I’m speaking plainly because I know other people here might experience the same. Doesn’t mean you act on it. But it’s scary. It’s potentially embarrassing.

I never dealt with someone who is in my zone who lives here. I was angry before only at specific individuals and never others. Very specific.

Now this person has provoked those angry feelings. Nobody else has ever gotten connected to what I can feel when I am suffering.

So basically I can’t stop engaging. They live two blocks away so I see them all the time and I think that’s hard. After 2.5 years of this I’m ashamed to admit that I attempted to punch them in the face. I’m a weak female mind you. And I didn’t really want to injure anyone. This is a large man but still.

And something else I’m too embarrassed to admit. It was nothing but embarrassing for me though.

So that happened in the world. But also I can’t stop engaging in arguing and that’s. The worst part. And that makes me only worse. In fact it’s the only thing keeping me connected to him if not for anger I wouldn’t be connecting at all.

I feel like I have to get all of this under control. In the immediate. Because it seems dangerous. And then I have to get these symptoms under control.

I should mention I’ve never been physically violent before. With ptsd I’ve always dealt with a lot of anger but I’ve never been violent. I also get this crazy need to engage. I wonder if anyone else gets that.

I don’t know what advice I’m looking for. What to you do?

Hi! I used to be a member here. This forum used to be a great place. I hope it still is.

Anyway. I’...

Sorry to reply to myself but no I’m feeling nuts. I had him block me on his phone. This is what I wanted. To stop the cycles of replies. This is supposed to be good. Well I just had again this need to engage immediately. I considered driving to his house at 2 and then wondering if I’m sober or not enough.

And it’s just anger and a need to engage. It’s nothing else. You would think a person who does that wants something. I would think that. I don't. I just want to engage. I mean it’s not me. It is the ptsd.

I just can’t believe how crazy that moment I just had felt. Like desperate to interact for I don’t even know what? Am I looking for validation? Maybe I am. Maybe I feel like it’s the invalidating characteristics of this person. But wow. The intensity of the urge to do something really embarrassing.

 

[Treaty]

I have to keep really forcing myself to not give in. Now that I think about it I think it might be the validation I’m looking for. He invalidates. It’s been a huge issue for me in the past. Invalidation. I also want him to understand how poorly he acted in treating me. I would like him to take some accountability for his actions.

He isn’t going to do any of those things. So it’s another of those situations where I’ll never get those things. And worse if I go to him like this he’s happy because he gets to see me. And sometimes we’ll even talk like normal and my anger fades a little. But he’s still the same person who drove me to this.

He has borderline personality disorder diagnosed. Although now he denied the diagnosis now.

He likes when I’m so deranged I actually go to him. He will even say sorry. But it’s like he can’t be sorry because he doesn’t get things. So even his sorry isn’t what I’m after. He actually looks delighted when I stop by.

Also though 2.5 years in I’ve only this past week had this pattern of getting next level crazy. he texted last Tuesday while I was at a low point and I responded. Arguing followed and here I am. But at least this hasn’t been going on before. I actually haven’t spoken and had distanced myself since late June. I saw him November and that’s when I went crazy.


Sorry but I can’t edit. I meant crazy internally. Feeling in and out of trauma symptoms. But never interacted until last week. Such a mistake.

 

[Treaty]

Hi! I used to be a member here. This forum used to be a great place. I hope it still is.

Anyway. I’...

I just need to be better than this. Doesn’t matter what it takes. I will not engage in violence or revenge or confrontation. I am better then that.

 

[Freida]

Stop. Breathe. It's ok.

Ptsd anger sucks! I think a lot of us are afraid of it. It's basically letting our crazy out for the world to see and that's embarrassing. And a lot of times what was done to us that caused the ptsd involved anger towards us. That makes it worse

it sounds like you are having a ptsd flare up and I think that's a normal part of the disease. It comes and goes. But you've identified what is causing it and that is awesome! So now you need to figure out how to deal with it.
Did you keep a journal when you were here before? Maybe you can find some of the tricks you used back then when you felt like this? Do you have a therapist you can call? Maybe to help you solidify those boundries so you don't feel like calling him?

I will not engage in violence or revenge or confrontation. I am better then that.

yes you are!!!

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Treaty... I think maybe this is a part of you that needs to come out.. And you need to understand the reasons behind it.

Is it from your past and how you were treated... Sometimes we take that into other relationships and friendships...

The fact that this guy has borderline personality disorder... Is something that won't help the situation. I'm not excusing his behaviour.

Can you let out your anger in other ways.. Some exercise?..... It might help...

Big hugs...

 

[Treaty]

Stop. Breathe. It's ok.

Ptsd anger sucks! I think a lot of us are afraid of it. It's basically let...

Thank you.

It passed. I got out of it.

I never learned to control the feelings when inside that state. But when I’m out it’s just gone.

I had a conversation with the person and oddly they have said they will try to help me.

So I got out of it. But if I were still in it I think I would still be failing to cope.

Thank you again.

Hi @Treaty... I think maybe this is a part of you that needs to come out.. And you need...

Yes it overlaps with many of my issues.


I tried exercising and it was hard. I tried meditating. That was hard. Exercise felt hard in the same way meditating feels hard. It seems like its very hard to shift my focus enough.

It was really scary feeling like that. I’m even ashamed. I know what I want though. Through engaging. I want understanding.

And basically he’s made an offer to help with that. He was really great in admitting some things. It’s really cool that he can do that at all. I just hope keeping open lines of communication doesn’t backfire.

Also it feels amazing to feel better.

 

[Treaty]

It’s interesting. He was being cool in dealing with this and I have no idea why. Maybe he cares somewhat? Or maybe there is something in it for him? I don’t know. Though the interacting helped at times it also led to escalation at the same time. And this is the worst I’ve been. So I guess the interacting isn’t going to work. My back shoulder muscles hurt like they do when I’m in trauma zone.

I just want a record of this so I don’t keep doing what is not helping me.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks!
I had a partner, possibly borderline/narcassistic/sociopathic, (would never be diagnosed, he thinks he's kinda perfect and more right than everybody else) he would constantly invalidate me, call me crazy, not take responsibility, was remorseless about lying and slandering me, basically wanted complete control of me but without actual care, and other horrible and exploitative treatment. I kept engaging for 20+ years because we had children together and he had me over a barrel. I had no other support.

In the end after all the "you're crazy" I said "ok, I'll get help" and that began my journey out of relational hell. I learnt to stop engaging even when he "hoovered" me back in (or tried to) when he said things he knew I wanted to hear from him. Experience taught me that words are cheap and easy to say; actions are true but words aren't always true. It is part of the energy vampire behaviour to keep attention on them and keep you hooked.

Now I have a new partner who is lovely but also damaged from narcissistic/borderline abuse (his ex). We have a neighbor who exhibits very borderline behaviour and it has been very triggery for both of us. In fact, I am heading into hospital for a 3 week trauma and dissociation program soon because of it (and a long history of trauma, starting way back in childhood). It is my neighbor that really drove me into severe symptoms of this illness as I've been getting non-stop therapy since before I got out of the toxic relationship and that was 7+ years ago. So I totally get it!

We have made the mistake of engaging with this neighbor on numerous occasions and it went from bad to worse. The honesty and accountability just wasn't there. So we made a boundary of non-engagement.

If they are not in treatment it's not going to work. They need to demonstrate not just remorse(which can be faked) but scrupulous honesty and self and other awareness and self accountability.

If you look up narcissistic abuse you will be able to look for signs that you are being manipulated like that or not. If you obviously are, the only thing to do is develop rock-solid boundaries with these types of people. They seem to want energy and attention at any cost and have zero empathy and regard for others well-being. Engaging has to be done with these water-tight boundaries or they really do us over. They can also be charming and beguiling. So assess every interaction for consistency and respect of your person. If it's not apparent consistently, pull away. You deserve respect and to have your boundaries respected.
I am using my reactions as a kind of PTSD purge, because I have wounds from disordered personality types from my parents (I believe my mother is undiagnosed Histrionic and my father has Aspergers) .

I am getting A LOT of therapy.

I don't know if any of this long-winded story is helpful, So if it's not, I apologize for taking up your thread and disregard if nothing applies.

I feel for you! Be kind to yourself! This is hard and painful relating so you need to prioritise self care and self compassion. You can do this and come out wiser, stronger and more self aware but get help and support if it gets too much. This is crazy-making stuff so please access those that can help balance you out with sane-making input. It's only fair.

 

[Treaty]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks!
I had a partner, possibly borderline/narcassistic/s...

Thank you. It does help. It at once depresses and inspires me. Depresses me because in order to learn these new coping skills I'm going to go down this path I didn't choose. But inspires me because I guess if I come out of it I'll have stronger tools.

I wonder though. I feel like he himself, his entire self, has become triggering to me. that didn't happen overnight. he fought to get inside my trigger zone and now here he is. I guess I'm just wondering will I be okay living in the same small area as him ever? Even with the new tools. Will I ever just be neutral to his presence?

I want to move maybe. Thinking about it.

 

[mumstheword]

That's entirely up to you. I live in the same small town as my ex and because we share children, there's indirect contact. Having done the amount of therapy I've done I now feel non-attached like never before but I still won't engage due to his failure to demonstrate any notable change in regards to how he behaves towards me. I accept where he's at though. I've managed to finally separate myself out of that mess.

The neighbor is away which gives us some relief. I think we will have to practise better boundaries in regards to the amount of disturbing noise she tends to make by drawing on police and whatever supports we can, when she returns.
I've become very avoidant in the the village I live in though, due to those two (hence the hospitalization coming up) . I would definitely move if I could and will as soon as possible.

These kinds of people are just very hard to take, but I think it's good to build these kinds of skills and coping strategies because it just gives us much more social invulnerability when we do. Very valuable but hard-won development.

It's also not that uncommon (unfortunately), so it's very possible that you might get enmeshed with others with similar traits if you choose the avoidant approach. By all means go no contact, but I advise facing the wounds you have there and getting good therapeutic support to process them and build better boundaries for the future.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What to you do?

I have an adult untreated borderline daughter where we have not been talking civilly for an entire year. I mostly stay away and it is easy as she lives an hour away from me. If I engage her she instantly goes off and either lies or gas lights me. Either way I am struggling like you. I am very symptomatic right now and I only do this with her alone and no one else.

I understand your struggle somewhat even though I do not know the details. Hang in there and see if this is the only person you do this with. Because something he is either doing or saying is triggering to you.

Untreated borderlines cannot be around me at all. I understand that once they recieve treatment their symptoms can be better managed and get relief from their pain and anguish. If I knew the magic to get them to understand I would be able to do it. But I have to admit defeat with my daughter and I love her so very much and it is impossible right now.

 

[Treaty]

That's entirely up to you. I live in the same small town as my ex and because we share children, th...

Hard won. That’s exactly the phrase.

I guess what makes me worried is that in the past my individual ptsd symptoms contained a strong desire to get validation. I would almost say this was a predominant fixture of my ptsd. I wanted validation. I wanted it now. I wanted it at three in the morning. Just a single specific validation I mean.

And in the end I was able to get validation from an involved third party for my original trauma. It is probably why I went on to a higher phase of functioning.

I mention this because my ptsd will want to engage until I can get validation. Not so much me, but my ptsd. And I think it’s a symptom (wanting that) that has a rational component. Because it would help you if you could get it.

But I can’t get it from this person.

So that’s why I’m worried that if I am feeling symptomatic from his presence I might not be able to live here. Because I’m worried that I will keep trying to seek the validation or take back the invalidation in a way that might involve reaching out to him.

It really is hard for me to express complex things in writing. I feel like I keep saying what I almost mean because I’m unable to state just once what I actually mean.