Feeling scared of anger

[Freida]

@Treaty you are doing a great job expressing yourself -- and yep. This whole mess is confusing so it is hard to verbalize where you are and where you want to be

 

[Treaty]

Hard won. That’s exactly the phrase.

I guess what makes me worried is that in the past my individual...

I think maybe i mean acknowledgement. Sor

@Treaty you are doing a great job expressing yourself -- and yep. This whole mess is...

Thank you. That’s nice. It’s okay though. Being a bad writer is one thing but I find that my writing actually leaves people confused. Sigh. Thank you though. Thank you. So nice.

I was sitting with ptsd symptoms yesterday. Questioning what is this desire to lash out. Maybe it’s more then just needing or trying to get acknowledgement or understanding. I don’t know what it is. Purely. Yet.

I have an adult untreated borderline daughter where we have not been talking civilly for an entire year. I...

I want to be acting maturely through this. I need to be. Even for my own self. I’m so ashamed of any level of engaging I’ve done.

 

[Treaty]

The only thing connecting me to this person right now is anger. And without that I would be free. And the him being cool phase has evaporated and he said he no longer cares about my well being and had actually threatened to eviscerate me. That shifted fast huh? He is not a narcissist I don’t think. But one thing I’ve learned with a narcissist is that you never win. If you do manage to sling an arrow that gets through their exterior it’s never a victory. Because they will scorch the ground beneath you. It might be the same case her. A victory for me is only my defeat.

I’m sorry I’m so dramatic. I think I’m in Thor. I mean it is true though. Let all those sensitive feelings on the other side be. It’s their sensitive feelings that caused pain. And aggravating them will cause more. Note to self. Note to self. Note to self.

 

[Freida]

He is not a narcissist I don’t think.

the label doesn't matter. How he is treating you is what is important

 

[Treaty]

the label doesn't matter. How he is treating you is what is important

I 100% agree with that. That’s what I’ve been coming to as well.

 

[Treaty]

I had a “good day” yesterday. First day in 12 days where I wasn’t in and out of feeling symptomatic. It felt really good. I can’t believe I’m back here after three years of doing well and now dealing with trauma symptoms. It’s surreal to me. I feel so scared because last time I wasn’t doing well it lasted five years. It’s scary not knowing how long It could last. That it could be five years. You forget how painful it is. It feels like you can’t live for one second feeling that way. It feels beyond what you can cope with.

Other people hell firing psychological insults on you is not something that is usual. It’s so vicious and so bad.

The weird thing too is not just the insults but how psychological they are. Like attempting to get deep in my brain. And telling me about my brain. Like it feels so intrusive and inappropriate to be even be thinking that that’s within limit. Most people respect a personal boundary. it feels so mentally intrusive and not respecting a boundary of personal and private space. I don’t make it my business to know everything that’s wrong with another persons brain and then tell them. It’s so off limits and wrong.

 

[mumstheword]

The thing is you can never win with those people. They want to dominate at any cost (to those they dominate). Asserting your own boundaries is the only way you can be empowered in this situation. It's like he's trying to claim you as his subordinate and you don't agree, so it's become a battle for ownership. You for yourself and he for you. But engaging with him will have him using dirty tricks that you don't employ so you won't win that battle. If you refocus, back on yourself and your own journey of empowerment and self development you gain yourself back. He's doing all this to gain a psychological upper hand. He's doing a human Silverback play for dominance. Being deferential to that, hurts. I can fully empathize because of this neighbor situation that actually has plunged me so far into symptom land its not funny, for at least a couple of years. Ownership of myself and my dignity is the only way forward.
Sometimes our mettle gets tested and it shows us where we're at and we don't like what we see, so we just have to keep climbing up our own personal mountain, keep focused on our destination and give a wide birth to the savage territorial beasts of the land.

 

[Freida]

^^^^ What @mumstheword said!

 

[littleoc]

The only thing connecting me to this person right now is anger. And without that I would be free. And t...

You're very self conscious. Don't worry about anyone else. Don't worry about winning and losing. <3

 

[Treaty]

I need to move fo

 

[littleoc]

I need to move fo

At your own rate :)

 

[Treaty]

You're very self conscious. Don't worry about anyone else. Don't worry about winning and losing. <3[/Q...

But who am I worrying about? Am I trying to win? I really don’t know that I am. It’s more like a compulsion that I don’t understand. But it’s also the ptsd symptom because I went through this only happened three weeks ago and this went on two years. So it’s a ptsd response at this point.