Feeling scared of anger

[Treaty]

The thing is you can never win with those people. They want to dominate at any cost (to those they...

Thank you for this. It was a struggle for dominance. I feel like that’s accurate. And it’s true you can’t win when it comes to arguements. The dirty tricks and also the willingness to say anything. It’s absolutely true.

I know this is just a thread and a forum but thank you so much for responding to it. I was at a personal bottom. This really meant a lot to me anyone who responded.

I changed my telephone number and I feel good. I think I’m going to feel better and better.

I’m mortified that I was out of control for three weeks. I just needed to figure out the fastest way to get myself to stop engaging. The telephone number change seems to be what was needed. I think I was getting spun out from the words and things would escalate from there. If there is no words and no text there is no beginning point. And hopefully from there I won’t end up in a dysregulated state.

 

[Treaty]

But who am I worrying about? Am I trying to win? I really don’t know that I am. It’s more like a com...

Sorry I drafted this the other day and didn’t mean to post it now. I really did wish I could be clearer. For example I kept meaning to say I am experiencing a compulsion to confront that is coming from a ptsd place. And that this compulsion is different from how I’ve been able to handle this situation in the past because now I’m in a dysregulated state. And that title of this thread also wasn’t really clear. I also feel clearer now though. I think I was really pretty upset.

 

[Treaty]

At your own rate :)

^^^^ What @mumstheword said!

Thank you so much for everything

 

[littleoc]

Sorry I drafted this the other day and didn’t mean to post it now. I really did wish I could be cleare...

That's perfectly fine -- I hope that venting or telling us anything helps you.

That happens to me, too. I get suddenly not as good at handling things. I've learned to take a step back, and to try to talk it out with myself or someone else. That's exactly what you did. After an emotional experience like that, even if it lasted you a day or more, go ahead and have a nice cup of tea and try to relax. You might need it, because it'll tire you out. Then, when you're ready, you can reflect on it and try to find out what happened. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm sure it's happened to everyone here.

 

[Treaty]

That's perfectly fine -- I hope that venting or telling us anything helps you.

That happens to me, t...

My boundaries weren’t respected. My mental health was disregarded. So though I handled those two years it’s still stuff that was beyond what was acceptable. I’m still angry and I need a therapist to unpack this with. But being spun out like in symptom land was bad. You’re right I fell asleep at 7 tonight.

 

[littleoc]

That intense anger is telling you something, and you clearly already are aware of that. It could be helpful to unpack it, like you said. you already know what's best for you. It's just hard when the emotion becomes so strong. Just remind yourself that you want to unpack it in a healthy way, instead of engaging with this person. If you have to, distract yourself for a short time whenever you get the urge. After that, consider looking at the less-strong feeling of anger and seeing what's there. Although, that may be best to do in the presence of a therapist. But don't focus on the anger when it's so strong, and then don't accidentally push it away either.

I hope that made some sense for you.

 

[Treaty]

That intense anger is telling you something, and you clearly already are aware of that. It could be he...

Thank you. I’ve been analyzing so much. It’s a lot to untangle. I do have faith in my abilities though. I read the most helpful thing about a thing called stonewalling. It’s like a technique to not take any responsibility and not give any validation. And it helped me so much because I couldn’t express or understand what I was trying to gain from these interactions but that must have been what happened to me. I’m confused about a lot since I was led to believe I imagined everything.

I couldn’t not engage so I changed my number and it’s been amazing. It’s day 2. If I hadn’t changed my number I probably would have engaged by now.

 

[Treaty]

It made not a lot of sense to me why I was triggered in nov. after seeing him. But I realize it was because I saw him in a different way. Before when he was causing hell in my life I saw him as a anguished person flailing around in life. Always one step away from taking his life. Then I realized no he’s stronger than that. I see a different person. I see a controlled person. I see a person who maybe mislead me into believing they were a flailing person.

I didn’t even think it was right necessarily to be triggered by that. But it was the shifting of my perspective.

 

[Treaty]

It feels so how I used to feel. This anger and rage that I can’t express. So I just feel it. And it makes me cry because it’s so painful. But at least I’m not expressing it. It’s like inward or outward only two possibilities. And in the end you have to take it inward.

 

[littleoc]

It feels so how I used to feel. This anger and rage that I can’t express. So I just feel it. And it ma...

Always?

I would personally say it depends on the situation, but I also remember that everyone has their own story and their own healing processes. I'm just hoping you aren't hurting yourself with words while you feel.

 

[Treaty]

Though I guess outward expression wouldn’t relieve it anyway.

Always?

I would personally say it depends on the situation, but I also remember that everyone has th...

No, not always. Back when I was hardcore struggling with symptoms. That’s what’s scary to me because I haven’t felt like this for so long. And it’s not this person per se it’s that the this seems to be retriggered. That for me is the concern and issue. Although I keep trying to solve this issue so it can help me get out of this. I have experience levels of homocidal rage. It’s really scary. As I’ve stated. When I’m not feeling triggered I’m like not like this at all. My normal self.

For example while dealing with this issue right yesterday was normal all day. I was just happy to feel peace. Then at night I went in to this again. Nothing changed with the issue. It’s that I’m in and out of it.

 

[Treaty]

It made not a lot of sense to me why I was triggered in nov. after seeing him. But I realize it was beca...

I think are two phases that I experienced. The first phase lasted two years where my mental health boundaries were ignored. That was a time of active stress where I worked hard to keep myself from getting triggered but felt in a state of chronic stress.

And now this phase. Where there is no acknowledgement of those actions. There are two here that hurt me. One is the mind f*ckery of everything being denied. That I think is the crazy making part. And the other is that I see this person truely did not care. That someone knowingly endangered my mental health and then in the end doesn’t care.

So maybe that was why I felt more triggered in nov. after having peacefully separated myself blissfully since July. Because it was the beginning of seeing phase two. It seems not as bad if someone really couldn’t help their actions. Which had been my previous understanding. But now I have to accept that there is a level of remorselessness and a lack of concern. It’s maybe bitter pill number 2.