Feeling Sick About My Therapy Session Tomorrow

[kris]

Due to me admitting I had been close to committing suicide at my therapy session last week, I have another appointment tomorrow. My regular pscychologist is out so I have an appointment with someone else and I am so nervous and anxious. I do not want to go at all. Beings I admitted to the suicide attempt and that I didn't want to go to the hospital or have the psychologist call my family, he agreed that I had to come in this week and meet with someone to make sure things are going better.

I feel more comfortable going to my current therapist, but am freaking out over having to see this other person tomorrow. Granted I won't have to talk to the counselor about my trauma, it's more of a check in to make sure things are getting/going better, but as I said I am sick to my stomach at the thought of having to talk to someone else. Also if it's just a check in to make sure things are ok, why do I even have to go in! Can't I just call and say yes I am doing better? I have a hard enough time telling my current psychologist my thoughts and feelings, (I am finally getting to the point where I am able to open up more), I don't see the point in having an hour session with someone I will be so uncomfortable with.

 

[Iam]

Boy, I understand what you are saying Kris. I had to do that about 8 years ago and I was really uncomfortable. I didn't like the gal at all, there was no trust built and it made me angry I had to see her. However....it didn't hurt me. Is there any repercussions if you cancel? IF you have to go in because you promised, remember, you don't have to share anything that you don't want to. Good luck Kris ;o)

 

[gdf]

Who says it has to be an hour? ; )

Check in, do a quick assessment, tell the guy/gal you're really not comfortable with a stranger but you wanted to honor your commitment to check in and then go do something soothing and enjoyable.

 

[kris]

Yes, there is repercussions if I cancel in that I promised I would go or my counselor needs me to go to a hospital for the suicide attempt or needs to call my family and let them know to keep an eye on me that I nearly killed myself and am having trouble.

He trusted me to keep the appointment and to go, and I guess even though it is making me sick thinking about it I need to go. I guess deep down though even if it was an appointment with my regular therapist I still would feel anxious to go, just because I don't want to admit I still have been having thoughts of harming myself. No attempts or anything and I don't think I really want to but the thoughts still come up. Really I suppose if I want to admit it to myself I have been this way for many many years, some good times some bad. It will go in cycles where I will have lots of thoughts and some near attempts and such but I never follow through, and then I think damn I am such a weak chicken shit I can't even do anything right, like kill myself.

No this is not a suicide post or a pity party thing, I am actually well besides the anxiety over my appointment feeling pretty good. I am just describing what when I am at my lowest how I feel.

 

[kris]

Well I survived the darn appointment with a different therapist. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, this dude actually put a different perspective on somethings and helped me to see somethings differently.

I am still having thoughts of suicide everyday, although no attempts or anything close but still thoughts. It shames me to have these thoughts and to talk about them or admit I have suicidal thoughts.

Why do people have these thoughts? I am actually feeling good, not my best or anything but almost baseline normal and still have thoughts of harming myself! What the heck! Like yesterday I had a knife to cut bread with and the thought popped into my head that HEY THIS IS SHARP IT COULD SLIT MY WRIST EASILY. I mean what the hell I wan't having any flashbacks or anything.

 

[gdf]

Hi kris,

I am so glad it went well. You made it and survived it which is a lot when you have to face yet another person knowing your innermost thoughts and shame.

I used to have thoughts exactly like this. Knives--same thoughts. Or a bottle of pills--they are in your hand and your find yourself wondering if there are enough in there to do the job. Yikes! These kind of weird thoughts would scare me--how could I have this in my head?? It's like they just materialize and get stuck, and like a bad jingle, you can't get them out. Frustrating.

Hang in.

Gina

 

[kers]

I wish I understood why the thoughts come, too. I do think they are related to the traumas, so deeply that we can't see the thread that ties them together. If the answers were easy to find, we wouldn't need the help of therapists, etc. to manage what's going on inside us. I'm really glad you kept the appointment and that it was useful to you.