Feeling That My T Don't Understand Me

[Hope1969]

Sometimes I think it would be nice if my T could fill the Mother role...and then my Attachment I...

I know exactly what you mean about the mother role.
I keep very strong boundaries with my T. More than her boundaries as a T. At the beginning I was afraid of being attached to her or to want her to be my mother and then be disappointed. I held very strong on those boundaries. I don't call her between sessions. Even when the flashbacks were terrible and I wanted to die I didn't call her. As if I don't need her.

But in the last few days something has changed. I wish that when I was a child I had a mother like her. I wish that she could save me from the abuser. Sometimes I envy her family.
And yet I know that she can't be my mother (we are at the same age :) ). And I know deep inside that it's not healthy. I need to mother myself and this is what I am learning from her.
I hope that I am and will be good enough mother for my son.

 

[Sideways]

I think a lot of us go through that, because they are helping to save us from our abuser in a way. I often walk into an appointment with my T wishing that he'd just say the right thing to make everything better. They aren't ever going to be our parent, but they are something that is just as important to us now in a way - they're someone solid that we can trust and rely on no matter what. When I first started seeing him, my T used to harp on about how he was going to prove to me that some people can be trusted. That's pretty important all on its own - it's hard not to slot them into the Rescuer role when, really, that's pretty much what they are.

 

[Hope1969]

Thank you very much for all your supportive comments. I will speak with my T next session about this issue.

Your comments supported me very much to decide and speak with her.

 

[Tinyflame]

I often walk into an appointment with my T wishing that he'd just say the right thing to make everything better. T

I pretty much feel I wish anyone could say anything that would accomplish that. And I don't know if I do, or ever could, trust anyone fully.

But I do know this much; after about 33 years of ptsd, & the years prior being quite harrowing on their own, I heard this from a priest (& I respect that you or others may be an atheist, or of any beliefs, but in it's own way it's equally applicable regardless): that important as any and all professional help & therapies of all sorts are- & they are (and naturally therefore the T's are too)- the most important thing is to come to be able to recognize, realize & believe how much God loves us. That is, even with spirituality aside, be it God or not a belief in a higher power itself, ultimately to see ourselves, or come to know, that we are lovable. No matter what our histories or perceptions of ourselves are. I think it's a life-long work for people like us, sometimes. But brings more comfort, hope & peace with ourselves, our histories, our lives, & life, if we can.

I wish you great luck @Hope1969 . I find talking about current difficulties more helpful sometimes than going through the actual traumas.

Much success. You are very brave. :hug:

 

[Hope1969]

I pretty much feel I wish anyone could say anything that would accomplish that. And I don't know if I do...

I am not an atheist. I do believe in God ( but not the God of the Bible ). after I remembered the abuse I realized how all my spiritual / new age beliefs are "going out of the window". As if I needed them to purify the demeged place in my soul. And now that I know about the abuse I don't need them.
I also ask myself a lot - were was god when the abused happened? No one saved me from him. Not even God. I can't feel loved by God at the moment.
And yet I know exactly what you mean and the importance of your words.
Thank you :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Hope1969 .

I can't feel loved by God at the moment.

Neither can I, most times. But that's what I meant, we can't feel loved by anyone, God or human, until we can begin to learn how to love ourselves by knowing we are. Somehow.

:hug:

 

[mamachick]

Hope, Could it be that she told you that in never happened to her in the context that she understands your experience (best she can as it has not happened to her). I think when others try to share their understanding, many people think (You can't understand-did it happen to you? then how the heck do you know?, etc)

As far as the active listening and summarizing back what is said being a technique-In trauma, stating the information back and naming feelings and thoughts-(in a somewhat matter of fact manner-unemotional) does have purpose. When a client is very reactive and emotional to the content, having flashbacks, nightmares, etc., stating the facts back calmly is intended to be a path to help the client name what happened and think about it with less negative emotion, and to decrease the symptoms. Dont know if I am making it clear exactly, but see their good intent.

Example: A woman client grew up in an alcoholic family and was often left on their own since being a toddler, or as long as they can remember. There were no adults to take care of them, to feed them and protect them. Maybe they were responsible for younger siblings as well. Now they bring this to counseling but deny it has anything to do with their adult life. The T wants them to open up those wounds and see the correlation to the adult life they have created. Finally they do, and they are emotional and cry, stating that they were all alone and sharing events. The client becomes angry at the parent who failed at parenting-rightfully so. At one state the therapist is in that place with them (maybe causing tears even). As time passes and more content comes, the T may paraphrase the clients thoughts and emotions, and with less emotion. (the goal is to help the client seperate self from the event itself.)

A therapeutic technique for trauma is "telling the story" over and over and over, until the traumatic even becomes an event of the persons life and they are able to talk about it without falling apart or being triggered. The T may use many forms of therapy to tell this story, such as Art Therapy or Drama therapy, or others, as we all learn and connect best in different ways and with different senses. (hearing, writing, seeing, etc) The key to being a good therapist is more than their education and such, it is like being a good dancer, being able to move in the right direction with any given prompts. The therapy is much more complicated than I am sharing but attempting to summarize.

I still think you are right Hope, and hope you talk to her.

 

[Hope1969]

God i feel so stupid!!!!


I had a meeting with my T this morning and I didn’t have the courage to speak with her about it. the meeting was waste of time.

I was in a good mood (for a change :-) ) so the meeting was not full of terrible descriptions. we spoke little about the abuse and who is the abuser (i can’t accept that the person I see in the flashbacks is the abuser).and there was this feeling again - for her it’s a job and for me it’s my life.

she spoke very rationally. told me that it is well known in phycology that the child victim identifies with the abuser and can’t be angry with him. and I felt that I want to scream at her - shut up!!! it’s not him i love him so much. it’s not possible. stop being so rational. and maybe I didn’t show any feelings so she was my mirror.

she is going for a vacation next week and we are supposed to meet again on Friday before the vacation. i asked her why she is working on Friday and not taking the weekend off like a long vacation. and then she said sarcastically that than i will say that she is taking too many vacations. I laughed but it was not funny.

i did told her once (very politely and with a lot of pain) that since the flashbacks started she is most of the time on vacations and I had to deal with this issue alone. (she was on a professional conference for 10 days and then canceled few meetings). I was not angry at her just told her that it was the story of my life. i never ask for help from no one but whenever i do need help no one is there and i have to deal with things alone. this sarcastic sentence was insulting. it is the same behavior of my mother. you can’t say anything because it will always go back to you in a surprising and humiliating way. maybe I am too sensitive . . .

when the meeting was over she ran to the door and said goodbye near the door while i was still taking my stuff from her room. i was still in her room when she opened the door to the next client. and i felt as if she was throwing me out and honestly i didn’t understand what did i do. (she did told me in the beginning of the meeting that she has a terrible headache so maybe this is the issue. i don’t know. She is also human).

I feel that I am wining here too much. sorry if it’s too much information.

 

[mamachick]

No reason to feel stupid. We are all human and it can be hard to bring up the subject that you want so much to address. That takes courage and is a big step. You are right, for her it is her job, the career that she chose, and does have to take care of herself if she intends to be helpful to others, and it is your life. One that you cant take a vacation from. That in itself could be frustrating. That comment she made sounds very sarcastic and snippy. That would have upset me. I just dont think that you sound like you are too sensative in this matter. I am not usually too sensative, but would feel quite dismissed by her in what you describe.

I have trouble asking for help too. I always feel like the therapist have clients who are worse off and I can get by. Maybe also undeserving. I let it go too long sometimes and that has not helped me. I hope you are able to talk to her at some point but be kind with yourself until you are able.

 

[Hope1969]

I hope you are able to talk to her at some point but be kind with yourself until you are able

Thank you for your kind and supportive words :-)

 

[Pencil]

I suspect this one has outlived her usefulness.

 

[Hope1969]

I suspect this one has outlived her usefulness.

dont forget that it is just my point of view of what happened. i know that in the last 2 months i am over sensitive