A part of me developing feelings for T - don't know how to handle this

[beaneeboo]

Uggh could really do without this but can't ignore any more.

I have OSDD. My teenage part has started to develop feelings for my T who is around the same age as adult me. Doesn't help that he is quite good looking . As adult me, I don't have any romantic feelings towards him AT ALL. So this is purely just this part.

Problem is, she feels this alot more than adult me. So now there's a 3 week therapy break, it's heart breaking for her because not only is there the disappointment that someone safe is leaving her, but there's an extra sense of rejection only felt when you feel something towards someone in that way. It's ironic because the predominant feeling until now has been anger. But recently many parts sensed this increased feeling of trust towards T (big win!), which for her very quickly developed into wanting more romantic involvement.

Oh god. I (adult me) don't know how to deal with this. This is also on top of alot of very difficult things being triggered for me as a result of an increased sense of trust and safety (lots of conflict) so I can't manage all the feelings. But should I be taking this to T? Or does that create even more complicated dynamics?

She wants T to scoop her up and save her in that romantic way. I know this is unrealistic and need to help her understand this gently. But I'm also struggling with the realisation that the care, warmth and support T gives is not something I have else where in my life. And I probably never will (having just lost my partner unexpectedly- he died - only 7 months ago). So there's this mourning of a realisation someone like T in life (in terms of support and understanding)would have been amazing. But that didn't happen. So....

It's all quite raw for me and her.

Uggh. Should I take it to therapy?

I really don't know

 

[arfie]

i gained tremendously from taking my rendition of this into therapy. early into my psychotherapy "transference" was such a big problem for me that i was handed off to other professionals several times to keep it from getting out of hand. this was the 70's and 80's. i don't care to guess what they are calling this symptom today. there always have been many a name for this particular ^it^. as my therapy progressed, so did the handling of the symptom. all were able to discuss it far more rationally. i still experience transference at the most inappropriate of times, but these days i treat ^it^ like empathy. it's good to care about other people, but? ? ? gently. objectively.

but that is me and i don't suffer DID.

steadying support while you find what works for you.

 

[Movingforward10]

Does your T work relationally? If so, do take it to him. They are used to it.

Saying that, I wmhabe never been explicit to my T about it. We spoke around it once, without directly naming it. So, it does take a lot of courage to speak about it. But we speak about transference in terms of me seeing her like a parent *a lot*.

But it's normal and understandable isn't it? Feeling safe can then lead to these 'romantic' feelings. But it's more about rescuing and being there and all this consuming stuff. Which is rich rich things to unpick.

(Good to see you @beaneeboo )

 

[Midnightmoon]

Uggh. Should I take it to therapy?

Isn't the rule whenever that question pops up in your head, and there is a resistance somewhere in you, then the answer is definitely yes?! (And I also know it's dman excruciating to bring it up, no matter how chilled and normal Ts can be about it)

Glad more and more of you is trusting T, thats a massive testimony to the work you've done especially going through what you have the last 7 months.

She wants T to scoop her up and save her in that romantic way. I know this is unrealistic and need to help her understand this gently. But I'm also struggling with the realisation that the care, warmth and support T gives is not something I have else where in my life. And I probably never will (having just lost my partner unexpectedly- he died - only 7 months ago). So there's this mourning of a realisation someone like T in life (in terms of support and understanding)would have been amazing. But that didn't happen. So....

Feels like the crux of it is this bit though, it's part of a WAY bigger picture than maybe teen can see- the grief around partner and the identity around not being in a relationship as adult you and the fear of the future etc etc? Maybe if she felt more secure in that the longing for T might become less of an acute need for her?

 

[parrotthepolly]

It's clearly a trauma bond so you should tell your T. I'm sure it's not a peculiar occurrence and people who studied psychology will understand.

T is just doing he's job which makes the teen part believe he's "saving" her which we all know isn't true.

 

[Sideways]

It's clearly a trauma bond so you should tell your T.

Trauma bonds refer to victim-perpetrator bonds

Should I take it to therapy?

If you do, it should come as no surprise to your T. It’s normal to the point of being ‘the norm’ between patients and psychotherapists.

 

[Friday]

If you’re around GOOD people? People you like/love/respect/admire?

You will be sexually attracted to them, at various levels. Because they’re good people. That you like/love/respect/admire.

It’s your brain, and your honor, that does not ACT on those feelings. Because you’re not a bitch in heat. You are a person, choosing to surround yourself with good people. Even if that’s a new thing, for you.

Just because someone is a good person? Doesn’t mean you f*ck them, or try to f*ck them. ESPECIALLY NOT when you are their boss, or they are yours. Because the power differential does not allow for equality. DO f*ck people you like/love/respect/admire as a BASELINE. The very first person you know, who meets scraping the bottom of the barrel, like that? Is NOT someone to set your cap for. They’re simply the first. Amongst many to follow.

 

[beaneeboo]

Thanks @arfie @Movingforward10 @Midnightmoon @Sideways @Friday and @parrotthepolly really appreciate your input

Oh god. I'm a bit confused.

So T does work relationally. And from what you're all saying I should speak with him about this. But omg this is so difficult!!

Ok... the whole trauma- bond thing... is this what you think is happening? Really? Can't it be just what @Movingforward10 and @Friday have said that, when someone is nice and makes you feel safe, those feelings go hand in hand? I know (and she knows) that nothing could come of those feelings.

If I'm going to be 100% honest though, I think it's the fact it's an older man (not for me but for her) and there's a power differential which is also caught up in the feelings. I think even she knows it's not right but that is exactly the attraction. Along with the fact he's genuinely supportive and cares. But she doesn't fully believe that. Oh dear, lots of conflicting thoughts.

Then come the feelings of shame. I'm bad blah blah blah.

God I did NOT see this coming and it's actually stressing me out now.

I'm mean come on, really guys, would YOU go into therapy and say btw one of my parts likes you like that and is wanting an inappropriate relationship with you, precisely because it's inappropriate and because you're supportive and caring?

 

[beaneeboo]

Feels like the crux of it is this bit though, it's part of a WAY bigger picture than maybe teen can see- the grief around partner and the identity around not being in a relationship as adult you and the fear of the future etc etc? Maybe if she felt more secure in that the longing for T might become less of an acute need for her?

f*ck you're right

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm mean come on, really guys, would YOU go into therapy and say btw one of my parts likes you like that and is wanting an inappropriate relationship with you, precisely because it's inappropriate and because you're supportive and caring?

The specialist Ts are pretty damn used to this stuff, no matter how horrific it feels to talk about for us, to them... It just is as much a thing as the mistrust or the denial or any of the other delightful stuff that comes with discociative conditions...

My ex T randomly asked me one day about sex, masturbation, attraction, and parts reactions to that. I just looked at her like she had grown two heads, but I guess, in a very odd way, she was raising that it was normal to talk about.

I think it's the fact it's an older man (not for me but for her) and there's a power differential which is also caught up in the feelings

Maybe mixed in with parental stuff, experiences of men generally (for her and you)? It's I guess part of a much bigger picture and this is the tip of the 'urgh'. You don't have to digging at this at 100mph, you could angle it from the idea of adult you and the loss of partner and maybe go from there? But avoiding it all together, kind of feels too important to pretend it just doesn't exist...

 

[Sideways]

Ok... the whole trauma- bond thing... is this what you think is happening? Really? Can't it be just what @Movingforward10 and @Friday have said that, when someone is nice and makes you feel safe, those feelings go hand in hand? I know (and she knows) that nothing could come of those feelings.

Between you and your T, it’s not trauma-bond. That refers to a attachment we sometimes have towards the person that abused us.

The attachment that you’re feeling to your therapist is a form of transference - super common.

(Just in case you want to read about what you’re experiencing).

 

[beaneeboo]

I'm just not understanding any of this!!

I think multiple parts have multiple feelings. Some conflicting. And I really can't understand any of it. Also because it's bubbled up so quickly.

Teenager has 'love' feelings towards T. She also hates him. And also has darker sexualised (abuse thoughts).

Younger parts want to be with T and play with him. They want his warmth and friendliness, kindness and just to spend time with him (this is newand never happened before). Teenage me feels angry towards me and T for acknowledging the increased trust in the therapy relationship because she feels it's given the green light to some of the littles to be so open and, in her eyes, vulnerable.

Other parts have other feelings.

I read about transference and I don't understand it - there are so many different reactions.