A part of me developing feelings for T - don't know how to handle this

Yup. I relate to that so much!

So with my current T:
  • I have a little that thinks he must be a parental figure
  • A tween who thinks he’s the same as my abuser - someone to be revered and to take my clothes off for as a sign of respect
  • A tween who hates him
  • A late-teen who very frequently wants to scratch his eyes out
  • A diplomat who thinks he’s a source of intellectual fodder
  • An older part who holds him in complete contempt
…oh yeah, and me, trying to keep all that together whilst achieving productive conversation!

That’s my ‘transference’ issues playing out. Essentially, taking the issues I have from other relationships, and superimposing that on my relationship with my T.

For a person without dissociated parts, it is very normal. But does bring a degree of complexity into the therapy space. One of the reasons you’d ideally work with a T who has some degree of professional qualifications behind them - they get taught how to identify and manage those ‘transference’ issues, whether they be warm feelings or completely hostile.

When you have someone with DID, there’s multiple different (often completely opposing) types of transference going on all at the same time. Happy days! One part loves the T, one part wants to sabotage the relationship, one part wants to cut the brake lines in T’s car…yeah!

This is normal. Communication is key. Communication among you and your parts, and also between you and your T (and if need be, your parts and your T).

Learning how to navigate that is part of recovery. The transference you’re experiencing with your T likely plays out in other important relationships. Difference is that with your T? They have training how to help you work through it, rather than just run for the hills.
 
Yup. I relate to that so much!
This comment helps me so much
So with my current T:
  • I have a little that thinks he must be a parental figure
  • A tween who thinks he’s the same as my abuser - someone to be revered and to take my clothes off for as a sign of respect
  • A tween who hates him
  • A late-teen who very frequently wants to scratch his eyes out
  • A diplomat who thinks he’s a source of intellectual fodder
  • An older part who holds him in complete contempt
This helps alot to read a bit about your experience, thank you for sharing...

…oh yeah, and me, trying to keep all that together whilst achieving productive conversation!
It's so hard, I know. Sometimes I just know that it's too much for the session so have to pick and choose which to look at...
That’s my ‘transference’ issues playing out. Essentially, taking the issues I have from other relationships, and superimposing that on my relationship with my T.
Ok, yes I can see how you've laid it out how that works (in as much as I can)...
When you have someone with DID, there’s multiple different (often completely opposing) types of transference going on all at the same time.
Omg thank you for highlighting this. I actually felt a sense of relief... Sometimes i feel like such a freak

Happy days! One part loves the T, one part wants to sabotage the relationship, one part wants to cut the brake lines in T’s car…yeah!
lol but also not lol 💜



This is normal. Communication is key. Communication among you and your parts, and also between you and your T (and if need be, your parts and your T).
ok so definite stumbling block here. I can tell him that I have different reactions from different parts. I can tell him the teen me has different reactions (and perhaps there's more than one teen me). But how much detail do I go into about these different reactions?

Right now there is an unsafe dynamic going on internally. One of teen me's reactions is to want to have a sexual relationship whereby he is abusing her sexually, because she actively wants that 🙄... it has gone really quickly from those feelings developing to (sorry) physically enacting things out (on her own) and she's hurting herself (and me in the process)... I just don't think I can tell T that, no matter how much adult me sees the logic in doing so... i can't handle that and actually I don't think T will necessarily be able to either...

Honestly this is making me ill...

I guess communication with my tween from myself is what's needed. But she and I are blended the most out of everyone so I slip and slide between her and me all the time. It's difficult to take the adult me position consistently

earning how to navigate that is part of recovery. The transference you’re experiencing with your T likely plays out in other important relationships. Difference is that with your T? They have training how to help you work through it, rather than just run for the hills.
I just can't! I would want to but I'm so scared of will tarnish the good parts of the relationship which has taken 9 months to build and is still needing alot of work
 
I would want to but I'm so scared of will tarnish the good parts of the relationship which has taken 9 months to build and is still needing alot of work
Everything else I type in this post needs to be prefaced by the following warning: to me, this is the good part of the relationship! The part where you can take issues like this and plonk them down in front of your T and say, “this crazy, weird arse shit in my head right here is what we need to talk about”.

I put that as a warning because Ts who are competent with DID are not easy to find in some places. And a T who is at least good with trauma but shit with DID may be better than no T at all, depending on where you are in your journey. I’m pro-PutItAllOutThere. If that’s definitely going to terminate the therapeutic relationship because this T doesn’t do parts well, start with internal dialogue.
ok so definite stumbling block here. I can tell him that I have different reactions from different parts. I can tell him the teen me has different reactions (and perhaps there's more than one teen me). But how much detail do I go into about these different reactions?
This is huge.

You know who the different parts are with big reactions, and what those reactions are. Next question is why? What underlying needs are they not having met on this therapy situation?

How much you tell your T needs to be your call. For me, with male Ts (and I had female Ts for years for a reason!), they have to know in advance: this is what I might do if my littles get triggered. Mostly because I need to know - if that happens, am I safe with this T?

So, my version: triggered means I stand up, undress in a very specific ritualised way, then lie down on the floor in front of my T. Could be all sorts of things that trigger that (or some very specific phrases, which they need to know to avoid).

I know that might happen - because it has happened. And, it’s pretty terrifying. But, knowing that my T knows, and how he plans to respond (I ask!), means the therapy space is that little bit safer for me.

My frankness with that is borne from experience with a T who didn’t play well with DID. One of my older parts did a sexual exposure things, along the same lines, when I was triggered. He ended our therapeutic relationship immediately (as in, before I even had a chance to get dressed again).

That’s worst case scenario. And it’s extreme - if your T has been handling DID cases for a while, they will have experienced this exact thing before. I’m not the first, and won’t be the last, CSA survivor to undress in front of their T, or come on to their T, or suggest their T abuse them sexually while they undress in front of their T (which is the delightful combination I pulled off that day!).

Won’t lie - that wasn’t easy to recover from. Not what I did, or regaining trust given how my T responded. But, now that I fully comprehend “this is normal, it happens”, I deal with it up front. Because I need to know how my T plans to manage it.

Every T I have had since then, I have asked them very frankly how they would handle that. They’ve all been trauma-specialists. And they’ve all been able to tell me “this is how I handle that” (as in, this is something that they actually do when it happens, not a purely hypothetical situation).

I just don't think I can tell T that, no matter how much adult me sees the logic in doing so... i can't handle that and actually I don't think T will necessarily be able to either.
Anything you can tell your T is helpful. What are your parts saying, threatening, doing. Why. How do they feel. Why do they feel that way. What do they need. What would make them feel safe. What would make them feel heard. What are their boundaries. What are they prepared to address. What is their most comfortable way of communicating. When do they get triggered.

Anything helps.

It's difficult to take the adult me position consistently
Give yourself a pass - you won’t always get it right.

Therapy is about finding the point where we are challenging ourselves, but not flooding ourselves. It’s a difficult balance. Too easy and we don’t make progress. Too hard and we have an (cough) “episode”! Where that point is changes depending on where you’re at in your recovery, as well as where you’re at in your life right now on this day.

So if you push too hard and screw it up occasionally, that’s okay. That’s information about how hard to push next time, and what the warning signs are that you need to back off for a while.
 
has gone really quickly from those feelings developing to (sorry) physically enacting things out (on her own) and she's hurting herself (and me in the process)... I just don't think I can tell T that, no matter how much adult me sees the logic in doing so... i can't handle that and actually I don't think T will necessarily be able to either
I think this is really common. I , in a round about way, said it to my T. In that, I felt that if she wanted to abuse me she could because I was attached to her and therefore she had that power.
It's familiarity? It's that confusing sense of here is someone who makes me feel safe and I LOVE that, but also abuse can come into that dynamic because of the past.
What makes you think T this can't handle it? He prob has so many countless times already with other people? So he can with you.


It's just hugely hugely awkward to talk about because it is so incredibly intimate and close. But, how would you feel about talking about it and it then gets resolved and you're out through the other side?
 

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