Feeling The Tide Rise

[Here_Still]

This PTSD and all of it's fun side avenues have been beating me down, and during all this trying to manage daily life has been proving so difficult. Making it worse has been these dark thoughts that at first were just images of self-harm, then they became annoying pop up ads with different images. Later they became evaluated to not appear obvious acts of self harm, since that would stress too many people. Sometime that criteria has changed and this idealization has evaluated other potential paths.

It has been very difficult not expressing these, certainly not to my therapist and definitely to my wife. Especially with experimentation with practical evaluation. I don't want to stress anyone out, nor do I want to be viewed as a freak.

I did tell my supervisor at work about my PTSD and tried to explain the depth and breadth of it, and did use the expression, "that I am not out of the woods, yet, and I am playing for keeps" to attempt to shed some portrayal of what I am dealing with. Having to call in saying that I won't make it that day just destroys me on so many levels, and if I miss a day because I may be out cold from sleep meds and sleep deprivation and finally manage to crash then I get the "polite" bureaucratic bullshit and shat on.

My therapist and I haven't been able to connect, and I even had to switch to a new one after the one I was working with became injured and was away from work. My doctor and I also seem to miss, and she doesn't fully appreciate what I am experiencing. I am cut off from these local supports. I have two call lines that are the go to ones for me to ground myself.

I suspect that later this afternoon work will let me go, why else would they advise me to have a close friend or my wife to attend this meeting? I can feel the anxiety building, and the triggers being tripped. If this is the case, it feel like the tide is rising and I am not sure if I can avoid getting wet.

 

[TXbandit]

Hang in there buddy!!!!! Breath slow, deep breaths. I feel you about work. I'm full time and miss many, many hours and hold loads of guilt because of it. Having to take the cold shoulder from coworkers that cover for me when I am unable to make it is very tough. It sucks.
I told my boss about my PTSD this Monday. It went better than I expected. Don't give up if all fails. Come here and talk ok? We are here for YOU!!!! :hug: s

 

[Kefira]

Oh I hear this. I'm so sorry you're struggling with work as well as having people in your life who are able to understand and support you. I've gotten very, very lucky with understanding teachers and supervisors but in my worst cycles I miss a lot and even when I have understanding management I beat myself up over it so much I make it worse.

I second @TXbandit, if you need to come back and talk do. I hope it's not what you fear, but either way you certainly aren't alone in this and I'm sure many others here understand and have been through similar situations themselves.

 

[Here_Still]

Well that meeting went as much as could be expected, ultimately I got binned. However, there was no negative stuff associated with it, just that my PTSD has prevented me from being there. At the moment I am just numb, I imagine parts of my brain are processing it behind the scenes. We'll see how things are at 3 or 4 am

 

[Here_Still]

Gradually I can feel my walls washing in the tide. That numbness, that desensitizing buffer that protects us is beginning to wash away. Along with some acute flashbacks, there have been some images of undoing all the good that I have built, struggled and worked for. There have been several images of doing things, things that I have practiced before but in dry runs. I feel so pathetic, but a large part of me is past that point of really caring. Even a short session of carving would feel like it could wash things away.

 

[Here_Still]

What are the rules with expressing yourself here? I was so livid when I went to my meeting to get fired...I had ideated about popping myself infront of my firers, but couldn't as my other half was there. Those sort of thoughts have been popping in and out ever since. So many other similar thoughts are racing through me now, and it's not even 3AM yet!

 

[TXbandit]

I don't know the rules of expressing yourself here but I do know that that is perfectly normal to feel that way. It will get better friend. It may not feel like it right now but it will. Hang in there, ok? Come here and chat. Talk about it. Don't mull on it. If you need to talk there is always someone here to talk to. Private message someone, me or go to chat. Are you going to therapy? Maybe try some techniques the therapist has told you about. If not, there are great techniques here you can learn about. Hang on there friend :hug:s

 

[Here_Still]

I have got to say that the life line and the canadian version of it are great resources to try to vent. Ok, having someone to talk with and vent off to are wonderful, yet there is that certain part of me that loves that rush of hearing that "click" and still being full of problems, somehow, there is a bastardized ear and sensibility that appreciates that, even if it causes a stir. That sound is very cleansing. Perhaps not productive nor healthy, but as long as it is that, it is great. Those call lines are wonderful as well, but are regulated in how they can respond. It was nice to feel grounded before clearing my mind.

 

[joeylittle]

What are the rules with expressing yourself here?

You can post about thoughts, ideation, things that you are feeling but not planning. If you begin posting about actual plans, being ready to go through with those plans, you will be breaking the rule about suicidal posting and action will be taken.

It's not because we don't care - the reason for the rule is that this is the internet, not tangible, practical help; it will cause a domino effect of other members becoming engaged in pleading with a poster to not do it, causing upset in the helplessness; and there are many people who (unfortunately) use such statements to garner attention. So, altogether, it's not what this board is equipped for or chooses to deal with.

I'm glad you asked - it was a big question of mine when I first joined, because sometimes the line between ideation and intention is hard to recognize, sometimes. I'm glad you use lifelines also; sometimes getting an actual voice in your ear is the best thing.

 

[Here_Still]

Thanks for the sort of clarification, bondage ducky joeylittle, I am not sure if I went over the border or not. Using the resources is always a great option, you just become self conscious when the person on the other end knows you by voice!

All day I have been numb from yesterday, and I thought that I would be slow and hungover after knocking back a bottle of single malt last night about this time but I wasn't. The realities were still there, are still here, but to actually be able to vent and express myself here without judgement - or without shared judgement- was a very rounding and rare thing for me; the other was to talk with folks on the call lines.

However, it is 3AM again and now the demons are zeroing in again. Last nights' deflection seems to be returning in spades. I am shy to use my call lines again as they do recognize my voice and me, and last night I gave them a fright.

It feels like I am holding a crystal of kryptonite and it is not easy to decide to toss it away or to dive on it. Tonight, I feel vulnerable.

 

[Kefira]

Do try to remember that it's something the people manning the crises line choose to do and they would rather have you call a lot and be able to help you through this than have you avoid the option. I know it's hard.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You aren't alone though and I hope you are feeling at least a little bit better when you see this.