Relationship Feeling This Is More Serious Than I Originally Thought

[Jamie Johnson]

I was talking with a friend tonight and she told me that I need to look up some information on PTSD.

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago. When we met he'd just left the Marines a year prior, and shortly afterward his 1st wife passed away; we started dating about a year after all of this happened.

Lately we have been fighting more and he and I are having some really hurtful arguments anytime we discuss anything, it's always my fault. I have no problem admitting that I've made mistakes, or that sometimes the argument may be my doing, but no matter what it always ends with me at fault?

I didn't really know much about PTSD but since I've been educating myself on it, and taking the time to read some other posts about similar situations, I'm feeling like this is a little more serious then I originally thought.

I have asked my husband to seek some help with his PTSD and that I'll do anything to help him cope as well; but he just gets so mad and tells me that if he didn't have to put up with me then he wouldn't be having a problem.

We have a 2 year old little girl, and I HATE getting into arguments in front of her, I beg him to please lower his voice or to just stop! I'm so sick of getting blamed for every little thing that happens whether it's petty or significant.. I just don't know where to turn at this point, I really don't want to leave my husband. I don't think I can survive this marriage if it continues in this manner... anyone have any suggestions for me?

I'd greatly appreciate it.

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[sisu]

Hello Jamie,
Welcome!! You have come to the right place. There are so many threads and so many articles on here about PTSD - one in particular might be of some help called The Stress Cup.

I am sorry you are going through this, but educating yourself through this site and any other thing you can get your hands on will give you great tools and help you understand your husband better. There is also a book I highly recommend called "The Post Tramatic Stress Disorder Relationship" I have it on my Kindle, or you can get the paperback from Amazon. It's a great book for the supporter in a PTSD relationship.

Anyway, take care of yourself and that little sweetie pie of yours. Keep reading and asking questions on here...so many people have so much insight and experience.

Sisu

 

[Sephira]

Hi Jamie! Welcome! What you're going through is really rough, exhausting and must you feel defeated. After reading your post, it reminded me of what I've been going through until quite recently. When a fight would occur with my boyfriend, I would always be to blame no matter what, and the fight could be over something small or significant. After a while, this gets old very quickly, and I know that I grew tired of always apologizing and taking the blame.

Nicolette who is awesome and has many helpful posts, wrote something like.. "If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to get what you've always gotten." Through the wonderful people on this forum, I've learned that setting healthy boundaries in aa PTSD relationship (any relationship actually) is super important. You need to let your husband know what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Constantly blaming you really isn't acceptable, imo.

I know from experience that boundary setting is scary-especially when you think it will cause another fight. I also understand the overwhelming desire to avoid fights and drama-been there, done that. Try and choose a time when he is relaxed, aand less stressed to bring it up, and try to communicate in a non confrontational way. This isn't easy, I know!

When I finally got up the courage to have the boundary talk with my boyfriend, it really made things better. I felt like I was taking back some control over the relationship instead of always being subject to what he wanted and his emotions all the time. After that he knew when he had crossed a line, and the consequences of it. We even broke up for a while, but he learned that I was serious about what things I wouldn't tolerate in our relationship. Slowly, things began getting better, and now they are better than they have been in a while.

As Sisu says, this forum is a great place to learn, meet others in the same situation, and even to vent when you need it. These people are wonderful-caring and smart, a true community of people fighting the same PTSD monster. Read Anthony's articles when you get a chance, they'll help. I hope things get better for you. ((((Jamie))))! Take care.

-Sephira

 

[Pale Warrior]

I totally second Sephira's comments about limits and boundaries, you both need them.

I had to step away from my husband, just over a year ago, and make it clear that his rage was his responsibility not mine. We are back together and doing a lot better but I have to remain vigilant.

I know it's common sense, but it took me a while to realise that there was no point engaging with his anger (the man I love had left the building) and by removing myself I took his souding board away. And frankly, by jumping in with him I was fueling it.

I am lucky, no kids, but please do take care of your little one. The toxic home I grew up in was not a great place to learn about positive relationships. I don't know if my father had PTSD but he took his anger out on my mum and despite her very best efforts to protect me, the poison seeped through.

Best of luck, hope it gets better.

 

[Trembling]

Dear Jamie, I am fairly new in here too, but its the best I did when I signed up after reading through many stories, knowing that it is all real.

Many people are out there who are in the same position, but the only thing I already learned here is, that you need to take care of yourself and of course your little one.

If you forget to treat yourself good and take time "off", even if its just watching a movie or taking a bath with your kid, you cannot gain the strength necessary to cope with all the stress you are going through.

I wish you all the best, for all three of you.

 

[Jamie Johnson]

Thank you all so much! I had a long talk with my husband, and took some of the advice from here about writing down a list of "triggers". I was surprised at all of the things he listed; feeling a bit like I'll be walking on eggshells...

We are currently working together to figure out ways of recognizing when something has triggered him, and how we will approach each other when a situation occurs.

I can't tell you how happy I am that I found this forum; it's been very helpful speaking with others who have gone through this themselves or hearing from others who have PTSD. I admire the strength of all of you, and the wonderful people here who've helped me cope with all of this.

 

[ProudWife99]

I have asked my husband to seek some help with his PTSD and that I'll do anything to help him cope as well; but he just gets so mad and tells me that if he didn't have to put up with me then he wouldn't be having a problem.

Jamie - I said the same thing in a post just a while ago! My husband told me his problem wasn't PTSD, but being married to me. I know it isn't the same for everyone, but in the General Area of this forum you'll see a thread where I discussed what happened a year and a half later and how much improvement we saw.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Jaime - so glad you and your husband are talking about it and making plans about how to deal with it. That is what is getting us through too. Not much to add to what's been said. We have found that H recognizing when he is getting triggered - saying something about it - and most importantly Having Someplace Else to Go so he can be away from me and our daughter (5) is crucial. We have also established a signal - (hand held up and out like a "stop" sign) if I notice he is getting triggered before he does. (Learned both those things here, and boy, oh boy do they help!)

Wishing you and your family peace and healing.

 

[LizardViolet]

Very glad to hear that you are taking constructive action. I've been with my bf for three and a half years but it's only recently that I've started to develop better habits when he's triggered. Recognizing his state of mind is the first step. And not engaging when he's in the moment has really really helped.