Relationship Feeling Torn

[Snowangel1225]

My sufferer is going through another period of isolation. This is his third in the past 4 1/2 months. The first lasted a couple of days, the second lasted a week and this one has been two weeks. He is starting to communicate more via text so I think he's coming out of it. My problem is this...he has a court date coming up this week (I think Friday) that is a couple of hours away from here and he cannot drive due to loosing his license because of multiple DUIs. I don't know if the increase of communication is because he's realizing he might need me for a ride or because he is actually reaching out to me?

During this last isolation, he would refuse to answer my most of my texts and phone calls. I didn't send many and only called twice (once at the beginning to see if he was back from out of town to take care of his cat or if I should do it and once a few days ago when he wasn't responding to any texts messages...turns out his phone was malfunctioning and he could send but not receive texts). After not hearing anything from him for days, I sent a text asking him to send me one text a day just so I knew he was ok. It could be anything...a number between 1 and 10 rating his mood that day, a picture of his shoe, etc. Just something so I knew he was alive. His response to that request was to tell me he didn't think he was ready for the level of commitment that I want. Honestly, that has been the only thing I have ever asked of him.

So, now he is picking up on the communication which is nice. He is actually asking about things in my life which is unusual since our entire relationship has been focused on him and his problems. I have detached myself from his problems because they are not my problems to solve and I have plenty of own being a single mom to two special needs children. I am waiting for him to bring up his court date and ask if I can take him. I don't know how to respond if/when he does. I have not made arrangements to have the day off nor have I made arrangements for my children to be taken care of. I don't know the day for certain or the time so I can't even if I wanted to. This is an important court date for him and if he is a no show, he will certainly be going to jail. I don't want to see that happen, but I also don't want to be used by him either.

I care deeply about him and want to be supportive if he is actually working to get his life turned around. Ideally, I would sit back, give him the space he needs and leave it up to him to decide if he is ready to keep trying to keep our relationship together, but this court date throws a wrench in that. Oh the fine line between helping and enabling!

 

[nursenurse]

Your last paragraph says it all. The wrench is yours only if you want it. Focus on you and the kids. If he truly sees a future with you then he will come back some time. but with two special needs kids, why would you need a third that may suck the life out of you by reeling you in and throwing you back out? He doesn't need you, your kids do.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Thank you, nursenurse. Even as I was writing this, I knew the answer. It's just so hard and I keep second guessing myself. I am a caregiver. That is what I do. I take care of everyone else often to my own detriment. I am also a recovering co-dependent and at times like this, my old habits start trying to come back. I'm getting better at saying no to people (they hate that), but I know I have enough on my plate without taking on their problems and helping them with things they can do themselves or have their own family help them with.

My concern with him is that he recently moved back to this area after being gone over 20 years and has no friends that he can ask for a ride. Between the PTSD and being a recovering alcoholic, he has burned so many bridges with his family that they aren't likely to want to help him either. No one can use people and lie as well as an addict and he is very good at pushing people away. He pushes and expects them to walk away but it still hurts him that they do. I wanted to be the one that wouldn't...the one he knew he could count on. But, right now, I can't help him because he hasn't asked for my help anyway. At least not yet. It's going to be hard to tell him no when I know I am likely his only option.

 

[nursenurse]

I tried that. There is usually a reason some people are seemingly rejected by everyone. The fact that they may be users and liars are just the tip of the iceberg. He will get himself to court, if it it is important enough for him.

I am a caregiver too, I never realized how much I wanted to share the love inside of me until I met my Dude, with ensuing heartache. But, it taught me I can love again (not that I want to at this point). Sometimes we don't make the best choices even when all the evidence is screaming "Run far far away!" Keep strong. You are never his only option, trust me on that one.