Feeling Trapped

[Sterre]

Not often will I post in this section of the forum, because it scares me to feel suicidal, and I dont allow myself to feel that way.
But here it is, I feel trapped, and when I feel trapped like this I automaticly start to think about escaping this feeling. The only thing my mind can come up with is suicide. Not very ceative I know....

I am not going to commit suicide or something like that, so dont worry.
I am just going trough a very rough time.

Poverty is getting harder and harder, bills are growing, no work, troubles with my T, extreme isolation, at this time its just to much, I find myself in arguments and defending myself against almost everyone in my surrounding, and it's hard to remain hopefull for a better life or better circumstances.

I am sure another blow wil come these days, tommorow I have an appointment with my T, whom I havent seen for 3 weeks now, because of an argument I have with her, I'm sure that the therapy is going to stop, and that it will become clear that we cannot continue therapy anymore, because I am to diffucult or hard to work with.

I am scared.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sterre,

Your post brings tears to me eyes. While I don't have any real advice, I can understand what you are feeling completely. I do mean completely.

You are not too difficult or hard to work with- therapy is just flat out terrible sometimes. Remember how it has been said in these forums that everything seems to get worse when you begin therapy? I believe the same can be true during the entire course of therapy- not just the beginning. And your T knows this too.

Take a deep breath, and then wrap your arms around yourself- and pull tight. And don't panic- It is just me hugging you.

Better times will come your way, it isn't always evident, but it can and will happen. I am sending you a million positive thoughts, and am wishing happiness for you, today and always.

Jenn

 

[Lionheart]

Sterre,

It is difficult to feel trapped and I think that is a common feeling during therapy too...seems that when we put ourselves on a healing path we commit to something bigger than ourselves and it can definitely feel overwhelming.

I agree with simplekindofgirl, it can and often does feel worse before it gets better, but it will get better if you stick with it! I know just how dismal and dark everything must seem to you now, it's as if we are standing at the edge of a great pit of darkness looking down, expecting to fall into the nothingness forever, but that won't happen if you hold onto to your faith that it will get better.

Someone once said this to me and now I am saying it to you........."If you have trouble believing it will get better, then please believe that I believe."

wishing you the best,
LH

 

[Sterre]

Thank you so much for your compassion SKOF and Lionheart 777, I will try to remember and hold on the abstract fact that things will get better in time. I gladly accept the hug SKOF!

I just feel so scared, not anxiuos but scared deep down inside. It is indeed like standing at the edge of a great dark pit thats never ending. I hope I can shake it off.
This forum is a great help, it's amazing that I can write down my feelings here and that people can relate to it, instead reacting scared upon them. That there is a way to connect even while I feel so disconnected at the time. Thank you.
"
I was wandering what I would say if a freind of mine would feel this way, or what advice or comforting words I would say to forum members who are going trough a rough time...

I think I would say:
You know you've been here before, and you know that it will pass. Things dont look very bright now, but there will come a time where you will laugh and enjoy yourself for a little while. Maybe your circumstances will get worse, maybe they will get better, but dont let your innerpeace or happyness be dependend of your circumstances.

So this is what I am going to say to myself for today.

This evening I am going to enjoy my time with my little girl, and thats all there is for now. Thats all that matters for now.
Dont try to look into the future, you will only paint it black.
Today, here and now, is what matters now, tommorow we will see.

 

[Heather]

Sterre - I know exactly how you feel - Bills mounting, trouble with therapist (haven't seen mine in over 8 weeks) and just feeling blek in general.

Hang in. Sending you warm thoughts.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I dont often come to this section of the forum either Sterre, but the title of this thread is just so recognisable. Theres no advice I can give to the words you've given yourself. But I'm sending you (((hugs)))

 

[The Albatross]

(((Sterre))) Sorry gal, I'm short on inspiration today... but I hope you are feeling better soon. I'm cycling I think.

 

[Megan]

I had worked with a therapist for 2 years. It was going good for the first year or so but near july of last year the therapist started falling asleep and it has been a battle finding a therapist. But don't let me get you down. If you don't like a therapist i'd suggest start finding a new one if you can while you still go to the one you are now...

 

[Gamereign555]

I feel a little bit there always and occasionally I wonder how I will ever pull myself out of this mess of debt and unemployment. I talk with my girlfriend and therapist about it sometimes. They say it is hard for those who can't work anymore to feel good about themselves and worth it. But I still feel I can work so I am trying and trying to get a new job and just see if it is true that I can do it again.

Since the year of hell (2011), I have been to the hospital 5 times, lost my job and have stressed the limits of my relationship with my girlfriend and the rest of her family. I also owed the hospital over $5,000. But at least I started therapy and got a diagnosis, so that I can deal with this disorder and make healthy decisions to keep myself going and able.

I feel stuck sometimes but I have to help myself recover, while I might never be 'cured', I can still 'try'. I have these issues yes but just trying to be better and more than the person who collapsed at work due to stress that day. I can acknowledge my harsh past and bad decisions that made me the numb and uneducated, highly stressed and unaware person that pushed his emotions past the brink does not have to control the way I live my life now. Developing Ptsd has been very eye opening. I lived my life a wreck and a drug addict and had no idea what the pain I had gone through and dealt with in my own way was.

It is hard yes, but there are elements to my humanity that I might have never known that were suddenly known and exposed to me. It is possible that this is the only way I could have been set free to really understand what life is and why I should live it.

 

[Tinyflame]

It is hard yes, but there are elements to my humanity that I might have never known that were suddenly known and exposed to me. It is possible that this is the only way I could have been set free to really understand ..

Yes gamereign

 

[mamachick]

Great Advice Sterre and all the rest I feel trapped a lot. I use to have options and motivations, now it feels like handcuffs and electrical shock, and what choice when paralyzed?

 

[Srain]

Sterre, I was so wrapped up I apologize for having missed this. Having been through so much of this and looking into an uncertain future not only for myself but my family I understand. What I understand about this journey so far is that it all comes in waves.

Gamer, I lost work in 2006, attempted again in 2008 and now am looking at finally getting the help I need to be able to proceed forward once more. I, too, have been in and out of hospitals. The fact that I was able to get through this holiday knowing I was not at risk for going back unless my husband husband didn't believe in my diagnosis was monumental. I stumbled but never felt at a point where I going to fall. That is HUGE.

(((((((((((((Sterre))))))))))))))))
Thinking of you,
Rain