Feeling Ugly

[zeropoint]

I have PTSD and also bipolar II. I have been manic for the past three weeks, which is also agitating some PTSD symptoms.

I've begun feeling very very ugly and have said a lot of disparaging things to myself about my body. I'm used to those thoughts coming with depression, but I had never considered them as being linked to mania or PTSD.

When you experience that kind of thing, what other symptoms are you usually experiencing?

 

[risingsun]

Hi Zero point,

I've begun feeling very very ugly and have said a lot of disparaging things to myself about my body.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I become obsessed with all of my imperfections. It certainly began appearing shortly after becoming traumatized. So, yes, I believe it is linked with PTSD. I stopped looking in the mirror for years truly, except to obsess over an imperfection (without looking at my whole face/body) or check that I am presentable (but very quickly). The person I saw staring back at me, I didn't recognize. I haven't been seeing me, but a distorted me.

But, I'm beginning to realize that, with every wrinkle, I became wiser. Every scar is a reminder of a path I am no longer walking on. And I realize that in changing my perception, something which I have worked on for so long, I am beginning to look differently to myself (in a good way).

This realization also helped me: I realized that the ancient ones of our times certainly did not obsess the way our television tells us today; that "thin" is in, that weight must be lost, that lips must be bigger, or lines must be erased. The ancient ones were revered for the knowledge they have gained, for the wisdom they had acquired, for the understanding that comes often through pain and suffering.

Beauty is in the soul. Beauty is in survival. Hold onto that thought. You are as beautiful as your heart is and that is all there is to it really. Warmest to you Zero Point. I know the feeling of self loathing. Release these thoughts and know that you are already beautiful. Allow yourself to realize this.

Hope this helps. Rising Sun.

 

[Karen12]

I don't know what time it was where you are when you posted, zeropoint, but it was midnight here. Those kinds of feelings are always much worse at night for me, usually with insomnia.

 

[zeropoint]

Thank you both. (It was 12 or 1 here, yes.)

I always feel like I am done with body loathing, but sometimes it returns like this. risingsun, you reminded me of an excellent counter-argument, which is that I would probably even be drawn to someone who looks like myself. I wouldn't be this hard on her, or anybody else.

 

[Philippa]

We seem to be in synch in this respect. I've been feeling really ugly the last couple of days as well, and I hear a voice telling me I am ugly now and then, which I sometimes have trouble fighting. I also find that being around other women who express hatred for their bodies is hard because it tends to trigger me to start noticing the things I am also not happy with, which can be a spiralling affair. Hard one to tackle for sure.