Sexual Assault Feeling Weird

[SinkorSwim]

I just started to bring up my sexual assault as a child in therapy. Two sessions ago I totally dissociated couldn't speak was shaking and had tears well up. I had no thoughts nothing just the feeling of being really scared. Since then I think every guy is mad at me including my husband. I have noticed when I have been drinking I will say things like "Your going to hurt me". Last night I had two glasses of wine at a friends house while our husbands were playing dungeons and dragons in the basement. We brought down some cookies and came back up and my friend goes oh were they mad at you for interrupting there game and I blurted out. They hurt me. And she goes on and asks who hurt me? I said the guys and then I kinda came back and was embarrassed. It was really weird, and now I don't want to hang out with anyone because I am afraid I am going to dissociate really bad.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Im so sorry you are dealing with this. I didn't have an assault as a child but I have the same dissociative trembling and numb response in therapy from abuse as an adolescent. I have gone through periods of having to withdraw from social groups because I'm just not feeling normal enough and I'm embarrassed and I don't want to bring anyone else into my mess, but mostly because I think PTSD causes us all to isolate ourselves. I try very hard to limit how much I isolate because isolation only makes it worse. Try and stay connected to your friends during this process. If you feel close enough, try giving a brief explanation to your friend about what's happening with you right now. It's a lot to go through alone and it might bring you two closer if you shared.

 

[cat-lady]

I've had stuff like that happen after really intense therapy as well. I suggest contacting your therapist and letting them know. They might decide to change treatment or step back and work on getting you some ways to cope before proceeding. Don't just try to power through it. That's what I did and it just made it worse. Still dealing with that because eventually the dissociating became more permanent and frequent in response to me pushing it down. It started happening more because of fearing it would happen more. That became a whole mess. I also began to fear hanging out with people because of fear of dissociating in front of them. I'm still recovering from that and it's been about 3 years now. Do a lot of self care. Make sure you and your therapist have a good plan to deal with this before pushing yourself more in therapy.

 

[SinkorSwim]

Well I called my T about it yesterday and she just kind of brushed it off and said that the alcohol was probably a factor because I don't normally drink that much. I'm kind of upset that she just normalized it because it's not normal and I haven't done this before.

 

[cat-lady]

sorry to hear that. that doesn't sound very helpful. i hope she at least has a plan for how to avoid retriggering you.

 

[SinkorSwim]

I think she brushed it off because I can't see her for another two weeks. I have had month to month appointments but I am thankfully going back to every 2 weeks starting in the new year. I just have to push through until then.