Childhood Ferguson, Mo Is My Backyard (among Other Things)

[Underdog]

Hope I'm posting in the right place. Seriously though, I live only 10 minutes from what has been happening. I've kept silent here and to those in my life about what I've been experiencing, but yesterday finally ended in shutting all electronics off and being told to take the Xanax (or whatever it's called now) and go to bed. I was actually able to think somewhat clearly today and wasn't having severe memory issues. Given today's events, I'm truly hoping what is happening here will end the stand offs... Not seeking commentary on the scenario, just understanding.

I've begun to realize today that fears of my safety and life have always been with me from a very early age. I've lived in fear of being who I am while growing up in an extremely religious household. Those fears were confirmed when they and all my friends turned their backs on me when I came out at 18. Thankfully , a handful of new friends stepped in that didn't exist before. I have witnessed murders, watched shootings/stabbings, been attacked repeatedly and I suppose due to hyper vigilance I saw warning signs many, many times where I had to work hard to keep people safe while they didn't know what was getting ready to happen. Fortunately, all of those scenarios worked out, but many where I wasn't at ended in deaths.

I'm new to all of this PTSD stuff, so I'm learning. I hope and pray you all bear with me. I keep looking for triggers and was told by my T to not seek them out because we may never know what they all are since (if I remember correctly) it's developmental. Guess I should add here that I am adopted and apparently had some bad history prior to birth (jail for parents, drugs, etc...).

 

[Go Hungry]

Wow. My friend and I have been talking about it for days. As you're not seeking commentary, just know that my thoughts are with you all. And I'm so sorry about how your family behaved. It's not at all easy to come out in the world, regardless of what you're coming out as..

 

[anthony]

Is there a news story or such that helps explain things here?

 

[Justmehere]

This article might help: http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/12/us/5-things-ferguson-missouri/index.html

In a nutshell, a police officer shot and killed African-American teenager in Ferguson, Missouri in the US. Police say the teen was trying to reach for the gun, witnesses say the teen was walking away with his hands up in the air and the officer followed him shooting. Riots and looting has been breaking out and the police have brought in tanks to control things. More than 40 people including reporters have been arrested. The protests are becoming more peaceful. Other states are having protests and solidarity rallies to stand with the protesters in Ferguson.

 

[Underdog]

My apologies Anthony. I should have added a link, but justmehere provided a really wonderful and much more positive link than I would have been able to provide. And thank you GoHungry for your support.

 

[Justmehere]

I hope things keep getting better for Ferguson, and for you too. How are things going today for you? My heart goes out to you. I think it was smart to turn off the electronics. When a crisis was happening near my own city, it was hard for me to unplug too.

 

[Underdog]

Last night was the first night of peace since Sunday and a much needed change. Of course, events are currently happening, but I must get a video storyboard finished and a press release out the door before I tune back into social media and the news. My mind is a tad foggy, but nothing I can't handle at the moment. Thank you for your concern!

 

[anthony]

Seems as though that cop should be going to jail.

 

[Underdog]

Well, curfew has been demanded and all of my friends from the region haven't been on social media for the past few hours. A major storm is hitting now exactly at midnight, time of the curfew. Although what is happening is only happening in a very small area of the region, seems we are all tense here tonight and holding our breath. I've been good today but I see my warning signs (lack of appetite, unable to sleep, wanting to drink, etc...). Time will tell. I just hope I can be as kind to myself as much as I wish everyone involved safety as well.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry that you're so close to the action.

I will speak in regards to what your therapist said about not seeking triggers out. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but this contradicts what I've been told (and I've been in a number of top PTSD hospitals/programs here in the USA). Yes, its true that we shouldn't seek them out in order to see if we can handle the trigger, but at the same time, nor should they be avoided. It *IS* important to be able to identify our triggers as well as our reactions so that we can learn how to better cope when we are triggered.

What I did was make a "trigger chart". It had columns for preceding event, duration of symptoms, symptoms experienced, what skills I used to calm myself down, etc. Every time I was triggered, I had to fill out the chart. After enough of these episodes occurred, I was able to see certain patterns emerge. I was able to identify my worst triggers. And, in my experience, a trigger is a LOT easier to battle once you know that it exists. Otherwise you're just flying blind.

Not bothering to learn your triggers because you will never know them all is like saying why work? you'll never have all the money in the world! That is, its not an all or nothing concept. I know I have triggers that I have yet to identify, and I'm almost 6 years into healing. I just found a new trigger a few months ago!

 

[scot]

I hope you are doing OK. I can't even imagine........
I would like to add something to the trigger issue and hope it might help. In addition to what Solara says, which I can only agree with, my experience is that the severity of how difficult it is to handle triggers depend on the state of mind. If I do well, I can handle just fine even the worst beasts. However, if the stress system is already all running wild, I need to stay away even from the little once because I can't handle things at all which doesn't do me any good. So, in this case staying put and giving the brain a time out to calm down can be quite vital. On the other hand, trigger severity decreases if I succeed handling them, so some sort of exposure is actually quite healthy and succeeding feels damn good. Though, if I end up not being able to cope that makes everything worse. So to speak, it is a quite difficult balance between healthy and smart withdrawel to get the quietness, peace and time that is badly need, and conquer the beasts so they doesn't end up ruling the life.

 

[Underdog]

I hear what you guys are saying for sure. Perhaps I am wrong on this one, but seems like I am now being told that a lot of the trauma happened in my early developmental stages of life and as such they will be truly difficult to find and understand the "why". I certainly know the triggers from my most recent trauma, and have learned to cope with most of those quiet well. The past month or so has been several steps backwards. I could sense it inside and see it in myself, but initially I didn't know why. I think that may be what my T is concerned about at the moment. Me searching for answers to those triggers and then it snowballs in my mind.