Today has been hard. The woman who minded april, and found her when she was not breathing anymore, brought her stuff back to me, and she was very kind, brought flowers for her grave and we just sat in front of her grave and spoke about what happened, trying to figure out what happened, expressing sorrow and celebrating her, comforting each other. It was quite beautiful, and I feel much more healed, in spite of also feeling quite gloomy, sad and still in disbelief and shock somewhat.
I think I would have been better off if I had just asked her to take me to the vets to pick up april. She was a thousand times more considerate, emotionally supportive and helpful that the other woman was...which really made such a difference to how I was feeling.
She took me out for lunch afterwards and dropped me home. It was really really nice of her. I think she was able to heal a bit as well. It was a terrible thing that she had to be the one to find her and deal with taking her to the vets at 1a.m and I know it affected her deeply as well. She's an animal rights activist and a committed vegan for the past 20 years, so I know april was in the very best hands possible when she did die, and I'm so grateful that she was there for her. I have no grudge or bad feelings towards her for telling me about it on the second day of my holiday, and not waiting until I got back to tell me, as the other woman was thinking.
I know she made a very hard decision that she toiled over a lot and would have been quite tortured by it...but she did what she thought was right, and I cannot ask for anything more. I felt terrible for her at the time. That would be a horrible position to be in, after having agreed to take on that responsability. She also has PTSD, so that wouldn't have helped matters...but she was very caring and kind and helpful...which made things easier. She even brought me flowers...madonna lillies.
I've been feeling very volatile lately, and have also been having strange hallucinations when I close my eyes at night to sleep.
I've been seeing, for about 3 nights in a row now, these amazingly beautiful and vibrantly red and orange colored formations that look like microscopic images of cells or bacteria or something like that which resemble tutu flowers that occur on cactus.
The images are very vivid and they seem to stay in my mind and don't fade for over 5 minutes...so it's really been fascinating to be able to just stare at these amazing images, that are moving and appear alive, with skinny tendrils that fly out from the centre of the "flower" and then whip back in just as fast?
Very interesting. My friend when I told him said that it might be symbolic of some kind of volatility in me...which I found to be very accurate as I have been feeling this way lately, so that was even more interesting that he got that impression when I told him about it.
