General Fight Or Flight Question

[Gingerly]

Do Suffers learn in [group] therapy to flee when faced with confrontation? My ex-Sufferer fled after we had a disagreement, and didn’t come back. He built a wall around himself and I feel like I’m knocking my head against that wall. Any comments?

 

[LilBit]

I truly believe that for many sufferers (you can never say all of anything or anyone) being nonconfrontational is just part of the disorder. I have 2 people in my life with PTSD, different ages, and from very different traumas, and they are both infuriatingly nonconfrontational. Or what they seem to perceive as "confrontation." Which as you said includes disagreement, and often includes just anything that is or may turn emotional. I suppose that depends on what caused the PTSD. Neither of my sufferers have real anger issues.

 

[arfie]

I did. By the time I arrived on the group therapy scene my rage issues had made FIGHT my go-to response any time my hyper-vigilance was triggered. With combat training, no less. Fleeing a confrontation is preferable to using my combat training to end an argument with a husband or son. I still think so.

 

[Loner]

Its an anxiety disorder, and many behaviors are designed to keep anxiety limited to manageable levels.

 

[Gingerly]

@arfie, I do agree that flight is preferable to fight, although I wish there was a mid-way point between the two. If only I had known about this particular stressor, perhaps I could have avoided it and he would not have fled.

 

[arfie]

@Gingerly i have managed to achieve some of those midway points between the two, but it was quite an achievement and took years for me to accomplish at levels I could trust. It was more years before I was able to explain it to my beloved husband. Still haven't reached a place where I can explain it to the sons, in-laws, etc. Not that I am sure I even should explain it to the others. My husband is the only one I really believe even needs to know and even with him, his safety matters more to me than his understanding. Allot more.

My beloved helps me most when he lets me trust my therapy network and welcomes me home after I can trust myself again. I am frequently amazed he can love me as I am, PTSD and all.

 

[Barconian]

What interests me about confrontation is this... My brother and I were having a debate and we were discussing in our own way (aggressively enjoying ourselves). We weren't perturbed about the other or feeling threatened by each other. My sister in law was sitting beside us and was starting to fret because she thought my brother and I, were going to hurt each other.

I'm wondering if that, depending on how much confidence we have on the day would depend on how much confrontation we can handle?

Anxiety really is annoying... How do we challenge our opponent when we already have a hundred worries in our head?

 

[Gingerly]

@Loner, would you say my ex-Sufferer broke up with me because that was the only way he could manage his anxiety? It just seems so extreme and so illogical to me.

 

[arfie]

Gingerly, I know you tagged @Loner, but I am hoping you don't mind if I put in my opine. I will be checking back to read Loner's take on it, also.

For someone caught in trust and betrayal issues, love relationships can create enormous anxiety. Anxiety functions beyond the influence of logic, as does love. They are emotions, not physics. Much to the dismay of my own love of physics and logical process... Sigh... The heart goes where it goes?

 

[Loner]

Honestly, I have no idea, I've never met the man. I can tell you that I learned patterns of behavior at an extremely young age, designed to push people away from me as a means to cope with anxiety, and that these behaviors became compulsions over which I had little to no conscious control.

Extreme amounts of anxiety can be overwhelming. That words gets tossed around a lot but think about what it really means. Anxiety can overwhelm you to the point where you have no mental energy left to think about or deal with anything else, and all your strength is going to just dealing with the anxiety.

None of us know though. Ask him? If he won't tell you, do what you can to move on with your life. Regardless of what happened with him and why, relationships are meant to teach us how we need to grow, so I suggest you use this to learn about yourself. Obsessing over things you cannot know the answer to, such as whats going on with another person, when they might not even know themselves, do no one any good. I know, I've spent far too much mental energy thinking about that stuff.

 

[BigBear]

For some, the choice of fight or flight is determined by the tormentor. If the tormentor keeps coming back, the sufferer learns that flight is the only option. The other thing that comes to mind is how good a fighter was the sufferer and did they have any unexpected support. Angel and her sister suffered at the hands of the same tormentor. Why were they different? Her sister is a fighter from beginning to end. Angel only fights is special circumstances. Angel was the oldest, so she protected her sister as much as possible. She had no one like that. Additionally, Angel had external (grotesque) torturers that upped the ante.

Who can say...

So I'm saying that Fight vs Flight can be learned characteristics.

Bear

 

[Gingerly]

Thank you all for your responses. My ex-BF Sufferer did try to explain what triggered him, but I still can't quite understand his reaction to it and I suppose I never will. He certainly was experiencing overwhelming anxiety at the time he ended our relationship. I hoped he would be able to get past it and start over, but he can't or won't, so now we are in a different type of relationship... as friends. I am trying to move on with my life and will always be there for him... forever.