EveHarrington
MyPTSD Pro
At the end of 2020 (I know, horrible year all around, especially for me given that both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer that year and add on this….) my ex raped me after I had taken my evening meds and was sedated.
After I happened, I wasn’t able to speak for a week. My mom was so worried that she kept asking me what was going on. I eventually just screamed “he raped me!” and fell into a ball on the floor crying.
Shortly after this I had a therapy appointment and the therapist was mad at me because I wasn’t able to speak. She adamantly insisted that I was angry at her and that we couldn’t move forward until we talked about it. She refused to listen to me when I repeatedly stated that my silence wasn’t about her. She kept on goading me until I broke down and told her. Did she apologize for being wrong? Oh, of course not, these egotistical narcissistic therapists never do.
I don’t remember much of 2021 as I was so focused on helping my mom. I didn’t deal with the rape at all and just filed it away in my brain. I was in an extended dissociative state for much of the year.
Fast forward to present day. What my ex did to me came to the forefront of my brain again and I am finally able to admit that he really did rape me. Despite saying it before, I didn’t actually believe it fully until now. When it would infrequently pop up in my mind I’d just brush it off as nothing. But no more. He raped me. He took advantage of me when I was sedated. He actually got off and received sexual gratification while I laid there non-responsive. This is absolutely disgusting to me. I am now trying to deal with the fact that I stayed with him for another few years before walking away.
And then the therapist issue. I am disgusted that I was forced to disclose a trauma that I did not want to talk about. I am disgusted that she completely obliterated my boundaries as her stupid narc ego incorrectly assumed that it was all about her. She deemed me a liar when I told her the truth, that my silence wasn’t about her. And then she never acknowledged she was wrong, as this kind of person can never admit fault. She is dangerous, and while I am glad that I was able to terminate therapy with her, I know she is still in practice and likely damaging others. (She did a number of other abusive things to me including trying to isolate me from my real world support by calling everyone I knew “toxic” and telling me I needed to go no contact with them all.)
I have been quiet the last few days as this is what happens when I get overwhelmed with trauma stuff. I just shut down and don’t have much of anything to say. I have a new therapist and have had 4 sessions so far. I am sure I will talk about this at some point as it fits in with my OCD stuff, but also I will not disclose anything to her until I am ready.
I am just in an unfamiliar space right now and don’t know how to deal with it. I think it may be a passing stage so I will just sit with it for now and not pressure myself to do anything. It’s not a bad state, more like a quiet and yet somewhat confused state I’m in.
Thanks for reading, I needed to share.
After I happened, I wasn’t able to speak for a week. My mom was so worried that she kept asking me what was going on. I eventually just screamed “he raped me!” and fell into a ball on the floor crying.
Shortly after this I had a therapy appointment and the therapist was mad at me because I wasn’t able to speak. She adamantly insisted that I was angry at her and that we couldn’t move forward until we talked about it. She refused to listen to me when I repeatedly stated that my silence wasn’t about her. She kept on goading me until I broke down and told her. Did she apologize for being wrong? Oh, of course not, these egotistical narcissistic therapists never do.
I don’t remember much of 2021 as I was so focused on helping my mom. I didn’t deal with the rape at all and just filed it away in my brain. I was in an extended dissociative state for much of the year.
Fast forward to present day. What my ex did to me came to the forefront of my brain again and I am finally able to admit that he really did rape me. Despite saying it before, I didn’t actually believe it fully until now. When it would infrequently pop up in my mind I’d just brush it off as nothing. But no more. He raped me. He took advantage of me when I was sedated. He actually got off and received sexual gratification while I laid there non-responsive. This is absolutely disgusting to me. I am now trying to deal with the fact that I stayed with him for another few years before walking away.
And then the therapist issue. I am disgusted that I was forced to disclose a trauma that I did not want to talk about. I am disgusted that she completely obliterated my boundaries as her stupid narc ego incorrectly assumed that it was all about her. She deemed me a liar when I told her the truth, that my silence wasn’t about her. And then she never acknowledged she was wrong, as this kind of person can never admit fault. She is dangerous, and while I am glad that I was able to terminate therapy with her, I know she is still in practice and likely damaging others. (She did a number of other abusive things to me including trying to isolate me from my real world support by calling everyone I knew “toxic” and telling me I needed to go no contact with them all.)
I have been quiet the last few days as this is what happens when I get overwhelmed with trauma stuff. I just shut down and don’t have much of anything to say. I have a new therapist and have had 4 sessions so far. I am sure I will talk about this at some point as it fits in with my OCD stuff, but also I will not disclose anything to her until I am ready.
I am just in an unfamiliar space right now and don’t know how to deal with it. I think it may be a passing stage so I will just sit with it for now and not pressure myself to do anything. It’s not a bad state, more like a quiet and yet somewhat confused state I’m in.
Thanks for reading, I needed to share.
