Finally Answers, But Its Destroying Me

[ladybronwyn]

For many years now, I have had anxiety of some kind or another.

It started with what was called a "psychotic break" from reality with my second husband around 14 years ago. I started remembering things that were pretty ugly, but no one would believe me. They said I was making things up just to get away from him. I wound up being hospitalized and tried to piece my life back together.

It happened again 10 years ago, same images and again I was hospitalized, but my family tried to tell everyone I was "schizphrenic". I have never been diagnosed with that.

Recently, I reconnected with and old freind from my first marriage, (I was 17) and many of those things I was remembering were being validated, images of abuse, emotional and physical,and other ugly things started coming out.

It explains so much about me, why I flinch at sudden movements, startle easy and avoid being in crowds if i can. I've started recognized those triggers for panic attacks.

But I want this to stop. I have gotten my life back in control, but now that these memories are coming out again, its taking over, and dragging me back in my past, and will not let me go. Its affecting my job, my relationships, and I just need to let go, but this won't stop, it just keeps reoccuring.

I want a future, I want to start living. I need to have this thing let me go and I don't know how. My medical doctor has referred me to a clininc that specializes with ptsd, but again, my family doesn't quite believe me. I'm worried they will just say "oops shes gone off the deep end again".

I just needed someone to hear my voice. thank you

 

[mariposa]

Hi Ladybronwyn,

Your family may never believe you, but that doesn't make their beliefs TRUTH. Truth is truth even when others don't believe you. I've had similar experiences in my life. I lived with constant anxiety, horrible nightmares, flipping in and out of dissociative states for no apparent reason, all for longer than I can remember. The truth finally came to light for me a few months ago, and now all those things I remembered finally make sense. My sister, who lived through it all with me and who was always my closest friend, doesn't believe me and won't speak to me. She has officially disowned me. I protected her from much of our childhood abuse, and now she disowns me because I've talked about that abuse. I love her still and it causes me unspeakable pain to lose the little sister I've loved and protected for so long. But there's nothing I can do about that. I keep hoping that someday she will come around, but in the meantime, all I can do is respect her desire to have no contact with me, and move on creating a new life for myself. All the books I've read, like "Toxic Parents", say this is a normal reaction for family members. So I just have to learn to live with it. BUT I don't have to go on lying to myself about our family!

Facing the truth is the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is liberating me, empowering me, making me actually WANT to live! I've experience moments of pure happiness, and I know that there will be more and more of those moments if I keep working hard on this.

I tried to do all this alone, but it was impossible. I had to find a good therapist who understands complex PTSD from child abuse. It's too overwhelming to face all this alone. So in some ways my therapist has kind of replaced my sister for now. I know that's not a permanent solution, but it does help for now.

Mariposa