Finding Safe Relationships and Becoming Safe

[Tinyflame]

I once saw a sign @Hulda that said , "Don't let your emotions rule your decisions". I understand, but a bit perplexing because emotion precedes motivation.

I think connection requires allowing yourself to have feelings, attachment to some degree, and definitely trust. Safety too as you said. I think one part of safety is being able to be yourself, and not to have to watch your back.

It sounds like the others feel more connected to you than you to them (in terms of feelings). I would think it's understandable if your baseline for hypervigilance is higher. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Adobe]

I have been working on being safe , firstly,from my sense of identity. I have projected for years a false self. It portrays everything as “ just fine” when inside there is a person who is not authentically connected to who she is. This false self has caused me to build a false identity so I appear normal and strong but along the way I lost my identity. I have been tearing down the false identity branch by branch and replacing it with the truth. I am not my niceness 24/7. I have things I do not like and others I won’t tolerate. I am not 100% of the time a happy person. I have bad days. I am not how I look and all the money I spend on looking good. I do not find my identity in being a people pleaser in order to feel safe. I make people bigger than they really are. That is meaning ,I fear the opinions of others. I am not a failure as a person because I have failed in my life. I have processed a lot of hurt but have not taken the next step to move on. I am not CPTSD. I am a person that has it but I don’t have to live there continually. I am not less than other people. There is a me I am digging out. She is creative, has a sense of humor, fairly intellectually astute. My list shows me to be a reader of good literature, which I try to collect, I am curious about life and I am empathetic. I want to be authentic at all times within the norms. I am sad at times, mad at times and have a wide range of emotions people do not know about.so, long story short, I have come to the conclusion who knows me best is the one who created me. I am loved just as I am. I can forgive others and myself. I can love those who are in my opinion irregular but keep my boundaries. I can expose my vulnerabilities when appropriate. When all the rest ,I will not list here, are more of a reality then and only then will I feel safe with anyone but very wise..no paranoid or suspicious or fearful thinking. It will come but I can reframe them.. For as big as those things are that is not who I really am. I am unconditionally loved and now I must integrate that into my life and realize I am imageo Dei. Integration is the key to becoming authentic. It is seeing yourself as you are now and the seeing yourself like a precious gem reflecting different facets of who you truly are. It is putting yourself in a different Light. I am in process.

 

[Tinyflame]

Happy for you @Hulda !

I just do what I would do without relying on asking anyone else for anything any more. I keep my opinions to myself. That is authentic for me. I've often been misread but I don't care to correct them, unless I owe an apology. They can think what they want, they will anyway.

 

[Adobe]

Happy for you @Hulda !

I just do what I would do without relying on asking anyone else for anything any more. I keep my opinions to myself. That is authentic for me. I've often been misread but I don't care to correct them, unless I owe an apology. They can think what they want, they will anyway.

You verify what I want to come to in my journey. It appears you have core beliefs, you are comfortable in your own skin and do not care what others think. I am working on those skills. Shame is horrible like chains that kept me from taking these steps of dismantling years of wrong thinking. I am trying to reframe much of who I am. I could only pretend I did not care but deep inside each rumination, each trigger reminded me I care too much. I feel like I am reframing a house from the foundation up. Good for you. I hope to know what that is like. Whew! This is a WIP.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well @Hulda I'm no stranger to shame, and I am sorry you battle it. Even neglect breeds for it, no child has a capacity to blame anyone other than themself for it. I appreciate your kind words, though I don't think it's something to emulate; rather the end consequence of no longer caring. with a dose of not being seen, understood, heard, or existing, really. So, I meet people (or try to) where they are, and then decide how long I stay or what I give or how much I will agree to. Or I have no choice in the matter, other than what I think or feel and how I react. I do try to be generous in the matter, even recognizing their lack of care, or knowing they will stab me in the back, or knowing anything important to me would be an afterthought to them. So I don't care, I see that as wasted, I just accept it because I know it's true from experience.

I think it got to the point I realized only what I thought felt or believed could not be taken from me, and no one has the right or necessity to know what is within my heart. For all of us that is a sacred place.

If it's about insecurity (triggers are different than insecurity), well I have no desire to spend what is hard to earn to look better; and I have triggers for normal things, haircuts, dentists. Truth be known I think companies make a lot of money. And tbh it doesn't seem to affect approachability from MHE. Mind you I have the benefit of not working where image is critical. So, not confidence but I just don't weight it heavily. Perhaps from caring for enough people on their deathbed too? More of an accomplishment to me if they are calm and safe or can have a laugh than what they are looking like. I remember a great woman, support smart, engaged, full of life, super funny saying to me once, "Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate what you do, and it's not always pleasant. But you have no idea what a gift it is to me to go to bed happy. " That meant a lot to me. And she was a person, many of her family too actually, who did care.

I guess in a nutshell it is the adage, pay no mind to those that don't matter, and those that matter wouldn't mind. I relate strongly to leaving in a heartbeat. There is also the saying, ~For those who understand no explanation is necessary; for those who don't no explanation is possible.

You sound like a sweet, thoughtful, introspective, caring person who is very hard on yourself. You will have a beautiful 'house', with the features you value. Have some fun, and be yourself. (I think Dr. Suess said No one does you better than you. )

 

[Adobe]

Well @Hulda I'm no stranger to shame, and I am sorry you battle it. Even neglect breeds for it, no child has a capacity to blame anyone other than themself for it. I appreciate your kind words, though I don't think it's something to emulate; rather the end consequence of no longer caring. with a dose of not being seen, understood, heard, or existing, really. So, I meet people (or try to) where they are, and then decide how long I stay or what I give or how much I will agree to. Or I have no choice in the matter, other than what I think or feel and how I react. I do try to be generous in the matter, even recognizing their lack of care, or knowing they will stab me in the back, or knowing anything important to me would be an afterthought to them. So I don't care, I see that as wasted, I just accept it because I know it's true from experience.

I think it got to the point I realized only what I thought felt or believed could not be taken from me, and no one has the right or necessity to know what is within my heart. For all of us that is a sacred place.

If it's about insecurity (triggers are different than insecurity), well I have no desire to spend what is hard to earn to look better; and I have triggers for normal things, haircuts, dentists. Truth be known I think companies make a lot of money. And tbh it doesn't seem to affect approachability from MHE. Mind you I have the benefit of not working where image is critical. So, not confidence but I just don't weight it heavily. Perhaps from caring for enough people on their deathbed too? More of an accomplishment to me if they are calm and safe or can have a laugh than what they are looking like. I remember a great woman, support smart, engaged, full of life, super funny saying to me once, "Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate what you do, and it's not always pleasant. But you have no idea what a gift it is to me to go to bed happy. " That meant a lot to me. And she was a person, many of her family too actually, who did care.

I guess in a nutshell it is the adage, pay no mind to those that don't matter, and those that matter wouldn't mind. I relate strongly to leaving in a heartbeat. There is also the saying, ~For those who understand no explanation is necessary; for those who don't no explanation is possible.

You sound like a sweet, thoughtful, introspective, caring person who is very hard on yourself. You will have a beautiful 'house', with the features you value. Have some fun, and be yourself. (I think Dr. Suess said No one does you better than you. )

Thank you. Still figuring out who me is

 

[Adobe]

The wheel of emotions was crazy helpful to me for figuring out what I was feeling. There’s a few different versions now, and it’s easy to Google. You can find some examples here.

The wheel is a great tool…thank you.