Finding Safe Relationships and Becoming Safe

[Adobe]

I have been thinking about my relationships. I have about 4 friends that I feel safe with and at times unsafe. I realize that I do not connect with people. I had no connection with my mother and stepfather where I felt safe. Consequently, even though I was well liked as I presented a false self I never connected with anyone. I would be outside accommodating but inside was a void. Subconsciously , as an adult I gravitated toward unsafe relationships that maybe I wanted to fix or whatever but it brought devastation and fear of getting close to anyone. My marriage has been successful as I looked at him differently and he is safe and just loves me. However, outside our home I do not trust even my close friends. I did not connect with my son at all from birth. My daughter and I have an adult adult superficial relationship. I probably handed down to them the same issues of connection problems although they have wonderful lives and families. I am unsafe. My go away come closer behavior is an issue. I do not even connect with people at church. I am well liked but not connected and border on anxiety nearly every Sunday. I do not have any idea how to proceed as I keep so many secrets about my disorder and past. I do not feel what I perceive other people have. This creates a feeling of loneliness no matter how warm and kind someone is. Do we ever in this life get over the connection issue?

 

[Adobe]

I hid what was going on in our home and patterned my life after what I thought was normal and acceptable. It wasn’t the real me inside. But that is what people saw and still see today. My outward behavior falls in a pretty perfect presentation but inside I am so disconnected with everyone except my husband who knows what I struggle with but keeps our life on an even kneel.

 

[Movingforward10]

Do we ever in this life get over the connection issue?

You have gotten over it with your husband. What is it about how you relate with your husband that enabled you to get over this connection issue?
Because if you manage it with him, perhaps you can manage it with others.

It sounds like you have people in your life who love and care about you: husband, children, friends, church people. So you have opportunity for connection.
It's working on that integrating of yourself, so that you feel you are interacting from a state of authenticity as opposed to the superficiality you currently feel.
. it's really complex I think. I often wonder what is the real me, the real feeling. When words come out of my mouth without my conscious awareness I often wonder if I mean those words and what connection or expression am I doing and is that really me or not. All of these actions, whether 'real' or not evoke responses and relationships.

So I also wonder if there is a difference between you feeling connection and you having connection?

 

[Sue42!]

I saw a lot of ugly behaviors growing up. I had nothing to do with what was happening but I have trauma from a lot of it and I just want to let it go. I was so sensitive and people pleasing.

Now I am old and I just want to be happy. I tire very easily.

 

[Sue42!]

Everyone I knew is not in my area. My daughter and husband are. It bums me out.

 

[Adobe]

You have gotten over it with your husband. What is it about how you relate with your husband that enabled you to get over this connection issue?
Because if you manage it with him, perhaps you can manage it with others.

It sounds like you have people in your life who love and care about you: husband, children, friends, church people. So you have opportunity for connection.
It's working on that integrating of yourself, so that you feel you are interacting from a state of authenticity as opposed to the superficiality you currently feel.
. it's really complex I think. I often wonder what is the real me, the real feeling. When words come out of my mouth without my conscious awareness I often wonder if I mean those words and what connection or expression am I doing and is that really me or not. All of these actions, whether 'real' or not evoke responses and relationships.

So I also wonder if there is a difference between you feeling connection and you having connection?

Thank you for this insight. Yes, I feel no connection. I guess feeling a connection and having a connection are two different things. I do not have feelings and could leave the people that do care about me without much pain as I have put a wall around me to protect myself. I am loved by these people. We enjoy art and reading , many interesting conversations. Pretty much all head stuff. We have the same values and we build up one another. My husband pursued me. I was terrified of a relationship. He is not needy but so strong in character and it was so easy to trust. I have never worried about his faithfulness, honesty, character, wisdom and we are pretty equal in decision making.He is my best friend and the only person that to me is the nicest person I have ever met.
I guess maybe I have walled myself off so much I don’t feel. This has been life long. I have great feelings for my canine companion. I guess that is a criteria I do not know with people. Every pet I have had is closer than any human and my feelings are intertwined dog -human. This probably makes no sense. Not sure about how to feel. I was not allowed to feel when I lived with my parents. My friends and I hug each other on greeting but for me it is just habit. I do not feel warmth in that. We do share about some issues and try to encourage each other. Ok. now I am perplexed. I just don’t know how to feel. My husband was on life support for two weeks in February. I just took over his responsibilities, did not fear but did what I had to do. It was like I was a robot meeting his needs and working with the doctors. There was one day when I cried. This is old stuff. I do not see how I can change. I am not a cold person but pretty affable I’ve been told. Not me inside.

 

[Adobe]

Thank you for this insight. Yes, I feel no connection. I guess feeling a connection and having a connection are two different things. I do not have feelings and could leave the people that do care about me without much pain as I have put a wall around me to protect myself. I am loved by these people. We enjoy art and reading , many interesting conversations. Pretty much all head stuff. We have the same values and we build up one another. My husband pursued me. I was terrified of a relationship. He is not needy but so strong in character and it was so easy to trust. I have never worried about his faithfulness, honesty, character, wisdom and we are pretty equal in decision making.He is my best friend and the only person that to me is the nicest person I have ever met.
I guess maybe I have walled myself off so much I don’t feel. This has been life long. I have great feelings for my canine companion. I guess that is a criteria I do not know with people. Every pet I have had is closer than any human and my feelings are intertwined dog -human. This probably makes no sense. Not sure about how to feel. I was not allowed to feel when I lived with my parents. My friends and I hug each other on greeting but for me it is just habit. I do not feel warmth in that. We do share about some issues and try to encourage each other. Ok. now I am perplexed. I just don’t know how to feel. My husband was on life support for two weeks in February. I just took over his responsibilities, did not fear but did what I had to do. It was like I was a robot meeting his needs and working with the doctors. There was one day when I cried. This is old stuff. I do not see how I can change. I am not a cold person but pretty affable I’ve been told. Not me inside.

I have carved out from elementary school a persona and have been in high functioning positions. I took Zerox Training in sales and presentation plus was on air radio where you do take on a personality. I performed and was “successful”. But underneath still that person with issues I hid. I had several broken relationships by dating people like my father. Never had substance abuse issues. To be honest I feel like Peter Sellers in the movie “Being There”. That is to the extreme pathological. If you have not seen it highly recommend. Thank you for your comments.

Everyone I knew is not in my area. My daughter and husband are. It bums me out.

I saw a lot of ugly behaviors growing up. I had nothing to do with what was happening but I have trauma from a lot of it and I just want to let it go. I was so sensitive and people pleasing.

Now I am old and I just want to be happy. I tire very easily.

I think as we age rumination increases. We have time to think and that thinking takes us down a path the does cause fatigue and even depression. Under articles on this forum I think there is one on rumination which goes hand in hand with the trauma issue. I try to get up and do something. I clean a lot! Go to the library, find a good book or movie. Get a manicure. Anything to break the cycle. I know what you mean about being done with it. I came to the conclusion I have to work with it, learn and take action if possible and find support. Loneliness is difficult. It takes courage to deal with that issue even when you have people around you. Feel free with this forum to share in more detail and let others speak into your life from their wisdom and experiences. Best to you. Maybe a physical with your doctor would be good also to make sure there is not an added problem. You may have done this.

 

[Movingforward10]

This walled off, numb feeling, not crying, and being on auto pilot I relate to very much. What I would say is that you recognise this which is a really big step as I never realised it and thought it was just how it is for everyone really, for decades.
Until feelings started unravelling for me in my early 40s.

So this trust you have for your husband sounds important. And you were terrified of a relationship (a feeling!) And yet you worked through it, and look how wonderfully that worked out.

I wonder if you can challenge yourself with some of your other relationships. They sound long standing so wonder what trust you can build up and how you can start to chip away at the wall? It is possible.

I often use the feelings wheel to help me identify feelings.

I would say, from my experience, that going from numb/no feeling to feelings, it's quite difficult as it goes from one extreme to another. Feeling things and not knowing what feelings they are (then using the feelings wheel to try and guess) and what to do with all these new found feelings is very draining and hard. But that also gets better.

Do you have a therapist to help work this through?
If not, I am wondering if there are podcasts or YouTube videos to help explore this too?

 

[ilovehorses29]

I have been thinking about my relationships. I have about 4 friends that I feel safe with and at times unsafe. I realize that I do not connect with people. I had no connection with my mother and stepfather where I felt safe. Consequently, even though I was well liked as I presented a false self I never connected with anyone. I would be outside accommodating but inside was a void. Subconsciously , as an adult I gravitated toward unsafe relationships that maybe I wanted to fix or whatever but it brought devastation and fear of getting close to anyone. My marriage has been successful as I looked at him differently and he is safe and just loves me. However, outside our home I do not trust even my close friends. I did not connect with my son at all from birth. My daughter and I have an adult adult superficial relationship. I probably handed down to them the same issues of connection problems although they have wonderful lives and families. I am unsafe. My go away come closer behavior is an issue. I do not even connect with people at church. I am well liked but not connected and border on anxiety nearly every Sunday. I do not have any idea how to proceed as I keep so many secrets about my disorder and past. I do not feel what I perceive other people have. This creates a feeling of loneliness no matter how warm and kind someone is. Do we ever in this life get over the connection issue?

I can relate to this at least somewhat. My reasons for developing my lack of connection to others are very different from yours. I felt a vial between myself and others before I entered therapy. It was like the others were just beyond reach. I would interact with people, but deep down feel the vial. Since therapy I'm much more connected with folks. I feel an expansiveness and aliveness. I didn't know this was possible before. FWIW change is possible.

Having said all that, be kind to yourself. What you went through was by no means easy. Take your time. Another thing I learned in therapy is that life isn't a race. From what a gather reading your post, I'm guessing your older than me. Also as other's have said the connection you feel/felt with your husband may be a first step in feeling safe enough to connect with others.

Hope you find this helpful.

 

[Adobe]

This walled off, numb feeling, not crying, and being on auto pilot I relate to very much. What I would say is that you recognise this which is a really big step as I never realised it and thought it was just how it is for everyone really, for decades.
Until feelings started unravelling for me in my early 40s.

So this trust you have for your husband sounds important. And you were terrified of a relationship (a feeling!) And yet you worked through it, and look how wonderfully that worked out.

I wonder if you can challenge yourself with some of your other relationships. They sound long standing so wonder what trust you can build up and how you can start to chip away at the wall? It is possible.

I often use the feelings wheel to help me identify feelings.

I would say, from my experience, that going from numb/no feeling to feelings, it's quite difficult as it goes from one extreme to another. Feeling things and not knowing what feelings they are (then using the feelings wheel to try and guess) and what to do with all these new found feelings is very draining and hard. But that also gets better.

Do you have a therapist to help work this through?
If not, I am wondering if there are podcasts or YouTube videos to help explore this too?

Thank you. I am not familiar with a feeling wheel. I will look into it. There are no therapists in amour area…

 

[Sideways]

I am not familiar with a feeling wheel. I will look into it.

The wheel of emotions was crazy helpful to me for figuring out what I was feeling. There’s a few different versions now, and it’s easy to Google. You can find some examples here.

 

[Adobe]

After all the input re this post I remembered a story a man shared one time and I think it is applicable. He had a 4 year old daughter. He was a therapist. There was a very naughty little boy that would torment and hit his daughter. Here he was a therapist but he could not stand that child. He anguished over his feelings. One night he had a dream , more like a nightmare. In the dream he saw his daughter run out in their street just as a vehicle came barreling down the street. He yelled, ran out in the street and pushed his daughter to safety. His dream continued. It was the little boy he could not stand who ran out in the street. He yelled and ran out and pushed him to safety. The counselor was condemning himself for his feelings. But was relieved when he made the same DECISION in both instances. Maybe having warm fuzzies is not what it is about for me. Would I be there if there were needs by any of my friends…definitely? Would I help anyone at church if they needed something within my ability…yes.. Maybe the act of feeling connected does not mean I am not connected. Maybe this is distortion and what connectedness is is much different than feelings. I need to let up on myself a bit I think. If I am to feel I will but it is the choices I make that displays more than feelings.