First Experience With A Professional Was A Disaster; Walked Out

[Mallaky]

Well, that was worse then I have imagined. And I was scared shitless of today.


I have not had a single positive experience with medical professionals in my life *, so I was delaying getting professional help as long as possible.

Today was my first meeting with a someone. It was for an psychiatric outpatient clinic. I was immediately suspect when she at first did not want my partner to come in with me. I insisted. Then she did not know what PTSD stands for, and was super freaking wierd about that, she only knew the german abbreviation.

I had a list with my symptoms and traumatic experiences and told her all about it. Well, tried. It became really interesting. For example: I talked in length about the protracted death of my grandmother, only for her to ask 2 minutes later "Is she still alive?" That kept happening, again, and again. I got furios. "As I JUST TOLD YOU, ONE SECOND AGO......." I said when it happened the billionth time.

She was polish and her german sucked. She was cold as ice and condescending in a way that would make Voldemort go "Not okay lady."

But I could deal. She then got super mega focused on two things: I mentioned that I wrote a trauma diary on this forum, which was helpfull in remembering my past, as I had forgotten even my dead brother and all, and that I once smoked weed. Bamm, total fixation on these things. "Just because a forum says...." she would start and I go "Not the forum. Why you keep talking about the forum? The f*cking DSM5. Look it up. Do it." She would not. Total obnoxious questions about my, years ago, short lived weed habit.

I was super cool and friendly, polite throughout the whole bullshit ordeal, but in the end I lost it.
She started yepping on about that my traumatic experiences where not traumatic enough, and just because a forum on the internet says I have PTSD, I dont have it.

"Lady." I said "The forum has nothing to do with it. Stop it. My experiences fall flatly in the DSM5 criterions for PTSD. Look it up. That is a fact, not at opinion."
All throughout she asked the wierdest, dumbest questions. "If school was difficult, how could you graduate?" "Well, grades were very bad and I scratched by just barely." "Yes, but you graduated. So it cant have been so bad." "Excuse me?" Eugh.

And then, and I f*cking kid you not, that dirty old hag dared to say:
"Not to be disrespectfull" -of course in the most disrespectfull tone possible- "but if you had PTSD half of germany would, too."

I just hauled ass ouf of there that very instant, otherwise I would have wrecked her office. I literary saw red like this only once or twice before in my life. Knew I needed to remove myself from the situation or it would turn very, very ugly and fast. I stormed out of the building, nearly bumping into a nurse, and was shaking all over and my legs were numb.

Now I just want to get f*cking drunk and/or go back and wreck her shit. I will do neither, of course, but goddamit... I feel super ill now and empty.


I hope I have better luck with my other appointments. This sucks...



*exception: dental doctors

tl;dr: :mad::banghead::mad::banghead::mad::banghead::dead:

 

[Chava]

Sorry it sounds like the communication was very challenging!

"Lady." I said "The forum has nothing to do with it. Stop it. My experiences fall flatly in the DSM5 criterions for PTSD. Look it up. That is a fact, not at opinion."

On one hand, I do respect that she is probably aware of people looking on the internet and self-diagnosing. Did you ever get a diagnosis from another professional? Was the expectation that she was the person who could do it? Did she offer any assessment other than questioning (which I actually prefer and think is fine for first appointment, I'm just asking). So you do have a criterion A trauma and she didn't agree?

Will you be able to see someone else? Sorry it was so frustrating.

 

[Owl.]

Okay, that - to put it mildly - sucks.

However, I also am in no way surprised.
Civilian life in Germany and PTSD don't mix. It'll be years until that really happens, if it ever does.

Her only knowing it as PTBS isn't something I'd see as a problem, this IS Germany, we DO have our own acronym for it, and even military circles don't use the English name (why would they).
DSM5 also doesn't necessarily mean anything here, many docs base their diagnoses on ICD-10 criteria. No idea what it's like in Poland where she probably studied (IF she did...going by her reactions, she probably went to clown college), but given the fact that she works here, the situation way down East doesn't matter much.

Thing is this: Unless you've got access to a military facility for treatment, it'll always be very much hit-or-miss when it comes to PTSD here.
We didn't, don't, and possibly never will believe in civvy trauma. Hell, this country barely even believes in military trauma. Could sing a million sad songs about that fact.

BUT.
There are docs out there, even in this country, who will take you seriously, and who WILL believe in the effects of trauma.
I can't blame you at all if you've lost all trust in the profession now, but once you've gotten over the crap this woman put you through now (and I know you will), maybe try to find someone who's been trained/educated in a place that's a little less....judgmental.

This is Germany. We believe in nothing less than perfection and have a long-running history of turning a blind eye to the horrors happening on our own doorstep. Bad sh*t doesn't happen, and if it does, it absolutely must be ignored until it goes away.
With that kind of attitude, mental health will never be a priority here.

It's easy to forget about all that when you spend a bit of time on here. You get used to foreign acronyms, international criteria, and stories of acceptance - and then you run into a German mental health professional. "Heavy-handed" doesn't begin to describe it most times.

I truly am sorry you had to go through this.
Not surprised - but sorry, even though that doesn't help you at all.

All I can say is - keep looking, once you're in a position where you can again. There ARE better docs out there and you'll find the right one for you.

Here's wishing you the best of luck on the hunt and your quest to forget this particular b***h.

 

[joeylittle]

@owl1982, I'm curious - is finding better mental health doctors in Germany just a question of trial and error, or is there some way to weed out the bad ones in advance?

 

[Owl.]

@joeylittle - To be honest, I don't know.

I absolutely lucked out in that regard, as my main doc had been my primary care physician all my life and just happened to hold degrees in both medicine and psychology with an interest-based trauma-focus.
Doc #2 (former army-medic turned psychiatrist) I got through him 'cause he was one of Doc #1's students in his trauma-treatment classes.
Doc #3 is my vet's army-psych who got himself involved in my business when the most bizarre set of circumstances gave him an opportunity he couldn't resist because he's a nosy bugger.

So, yeah, I never had to do the hunt for a doc. I already had one in place who's since become what I'd consider a friend and who's shown brilliant judgment when he brought in #2.
#3...really is just an amusing, bumbling side-effect and a great person to rant to about my vet when that one's being a stubborn idiot again - and he comes with yet another POV, which helps a lot.

I have, however, heard WAY too many horrible stories about mental-health professionals here to NOT know my tale's a very, very rare one.
As far as I know, there's no central organization/website/whatever to get a good overview here. There are places online where people can rate doctors, but they're about as trustworthy as Yelp in what few reviews they actually do have.

All that, and there's always that little issue of every type of person "clicking" best with a different kind of doc.
What might be a horrible person to talk to for you might be the best thing since sliced bread for me.
It sadly is a crapshoot, and hitting jackpot in Germany might just be that crucial bit harder than it is in some other countries. :(

 

[Anrish]

@owl1982 : I absolutely agree with you.

Had one very bad experience where the therapist wanted me (15 years old) to be able to tell her what exactly I expected from the treatment..my answer "I don't want to fear people anymore and make friends...?" made her scowl and she told me "If that's all than we have other children who need this treatment more than you."....and that was it.

My second therapist was a recommendation of a befriended doctor. I got along pretty well with her and she helped me a lot, but moved away. :cry:

My latest therapist was from the former DDR. She also didn't know "PTSD" and got mad when I said the term. She also told me that I get alone fine and she doesn't want to treat me for PTSD because it wouldn't be good in the file - and she had to write new reports without getting paid for it (that was her main argument)...:banghead::banghead::banghead: ....She gets more than 100 € per hour and b***es about writing a report....:arghh;:arghh;:arghh;

I try to get in touch with a new therapist now...she is from Italy but I felt really comfortable with her during the first session. It's a completely different form of treatment, but I'm despaired since I don't fit the PTSD criteria from Germany as well...:cautious:

@Mallaky : I'm so sorry that you had to experience that...and please, don't give up. You deserve it to receive help. Never forget this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow! I would have seen red as well. I have had more than my fair share of unqualified therapist off on a power trip and I got rid of them fast.

I do hope you get the good therapitst that understands PTSD and will help you. My heart goes out to you. I am not German so this is really wild to be treated so horribly.

I wish you the very best on your search.

 

[Mallaky]

@Chava @owl1982 @Anrish @gizmo Thank you all for your kind replies! Thanks for the support guys. Much appreciated.

Since that visit I am not doing so great. The nightmares are much worse then before and I feel hopeless, panicky and fatigued. Let my excercise go and feel like I am stuck in a nightmare. At least I did not drink to selfmedicate, so ... progress I guess.

As extreme neglect in my earliest years is one the many causes of my PTSD that visit is not easily processed by me.
I am angry about myself not walking out earlier. When I told her about the suicide of my brother, talking about upset me ALOT, and a bit later she asked "How is your brother now?" Next time I wont sit this out. I really, really wanted this to work so I gave that stupid goose the benefit of doubt.


I am even more afraid of the next visits now, but I tell myself "They cant be worse then her." and it helps a little.

My whole family told me that I should not be such a crybaby, mostly after periods of abuse, and victimblamed me. Who knew a therapist would too.
A few years ago that visit would have destroyed me. When I still believed I deserved to be abused.

But I guess some people think severe early childhood neglect, childhood violence, several violent deaths, siblings suicide, emotional abuse, bullying, repeated abondenment as well as threatened and real violence should be easily processed by a guy like me. I mean, half of germany had it worse, I heared.

what the f*ck...

 

[Kailani]

She sounds like a flake!!! What is she doing in that place today if she can't even listen to what you are saying???!!! Hellooooo isn't that the main part of her job description? The only good thing about is what you said above about it not being worse the next time you try to see someone and.... Better to find out now then after a lot more appts and wasted time. Hope you find a great therapist/ treatment team!

 

[Mallaky]

Forgot to answer @Chava question: Yes, she was supposed to diagnoise me.

 

[Chava]

Glad you aren't afraid to try again, when you're ready. Like @Kailani said, she does sound like a flake. It's really important therapists follow what you are saying and ask questions to gather more info, but not to have you repeat something pretty obvious. That is invalidating (on top of all the other invalidation). It sounds like a really bad first appointment and you did well by feeling that this was a bad fit.

 

[gms1976]

I'm so sorry you went through this as I know it's going to take a lot to gain your trust. She clearly wasn't actively listening to you or was distracted which is annoying in itself because that means she either wasn't interested in being there or wasn't invested in helping her patients. When people do that to me I get mad because I'm going to a particular service and they aren't doing what they are being paid to do.

It is also abundantly clear she lacks the compassion and knowledge to deal with PTSD and quite possibly lacks basic communication skills. I would stay away.

See if you can search online for a therapist who had some good reviews.

Please keep us posted.