First Fight Since Diagnosis

[Hopeful1989]

I am so upset. My fiancee just started getting mad at me and told me I am selfish because all of the reasons I love him are because of what he does for me. I love him for many reasons but I told him one of the reasons why I love him is because he makes me feel safe...THAT IS HUGE FOR ME, but I guess its not mushy enough for him. I told him that I love him but I just am not good at expressing my feelings. And he was like "you should be able to to me"...I just feel like I am not good enough. He compliments me and my self esteem isn't that great so I joke about it, and it's like he just unloaded everything he has been frustrated about for the past week on me. He just kept telling me how selfish I am, and how I am acting like a victim and I am just so numb. I had a panic attack, and the one person I call to calm me down is the one who got me to this point.

 

[Michel]

"Making you feel safe" is not just something he "does for you." It follows from some characteristics of his, which are probably very beautiful. Sounds very "mushy" to me. Maybe you could think about and share with him why you feel safe with him. But it sounds like the bigger issue is that he needs some help understanding and learning to live with your PTSD, figuring out what to do with his own frustration. Maybe the carers here have some ideas.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. it's like he just unloaded everything he has been frustrated about for the past week on me.

Hi Hopeful, maybe you've hit the nail on the head. We are all human and it's inevitable that at some point communication will break down, especially if he has no one to really support him. It can include a lot of frustration, worry or anger. -Plus don't forget the concerns/ worries/ pressures/ fears that he has, independent of your relationship together.

I agree that it sounds like he isn't that informed, but frankly dealing with PTSD can be very self-'centered'. Sometimes it's a "healthy 'self-preoccupation' ", in that it's good to focus on what is necessary to manage- you have to face it and do the work. However, after 27 years of it I think that sometimes- when you are ready- it actually helps to focus on others and things outside of yourself: to do your own 'work' independently and privately, but to try to concentrate on others, outside of it.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it that way. It's a process and some times will definitely be more challenging than others.
I think that- apart from ptsd, relationships are rarely always 50-50; they're 30-70, 70-30, 90-10, 60-40, etc.
I don't believe he means he is rejecting 'you', I think he sounds 'overwhelmed', too.

 

[Hopeful1989]

Thanks. Your input has been helpful.I haven't talked to him yet, but I am hoping when I do I can talk about all these points and some things that I thought while laying in bed awake last night. Wish me luck! And thanks.

 

[Farine]

Hopeful,

As a carer, what your fiancee did in the fight has a name. It's called dumping. It's below the belt. Whether or not you decide to call him on it, is your decision. My guess is that he doesn't realize that he kind of stores up emotions to discharge them later. My sister is that way. Back then, we called her a simmering pot.. and with enough heat.. boils over. It's a coping skill of sorts. It basically says "HERE, you DEAL with it."

I think sufferers might benefit from reviewing their social resume. For a long time, my non verbal signals indicated to others "WILL Accept dumping." It was a true moment of clarity when I learned that I could change my physical stance to communicate that I would no longer accept dumping. It drastically reduced the number of times I have this happen. For one thing, I bet you don't make much direct eye contact with him. Direct eye contact is one of the ways you communicate your non availability for this.

I hope you feel better.