Relationship First Time Poster Here. Need Help Understanding My Girlfriends Drastic Back And Forth Behavior

[blue_eyes18]

Hi all. Thanks in advance for any replies. I've never posted anything on this site before. I've searched around everywhere, desperate to gain some insight about everything that's happened in my relationship. I've been struggling so much with trying to understand my girlfriends behavior and it's literally killing me.

A little background first. I am a woman dating another woman who has PTSD from extended periods of abuse of all kinds. We have been together just shy of a year. When all is good, we have a phenomenal relationship. We never argue and genuinely enjoy each others company. We laugh, joke, and get along in a way I've never experienced before. She truly feels like my other half.

Just when I think things couldn't get any better, she always seems to blind-side me with things I could never in a million years see coming.

One time, after we had no issues or anything prior to, she sends me a text in the middle of the night telling me she isn't attracted to me anymore and I've gained too much weight. I was floored. She's NEVER said anything like that to me before. And what was even weirder was I hadn't gained any weight at all! If anything, I had lost weight since we had met. She went on to continue pushing me away when I just wanted clarity and answers as to where that all came from. She just apologized and said she just didn't see a future with me anymore and wanted out.

I left her alone and gave her what she asked for. A week or so later, she contacted me and was so apologetic for her horrible words and asked me to meet up with her and talk. I agreed. I went to her place and she cooked a great dinner. She had written me a long letter trying to explain everything and apologizing profusely saying that I was the love of her life, etc. That she had no idea why she said those things, other than trying to push me away.

I accepted her apology and got back together, rather reluctantly. Literally no more than twelve hours later, the next afternoon, she messaged me again, saying she wasn't ready to be back together and needed time. That she knew she loved me, but needed to work on herself first.

I was baffled! And more so, I was mad. I felt like she was intentionally toying with my emotions. And it confused the heck out of me because her letter and her words all seemed SO sincere. Like she truly meant them. So how can someone go from loving you with all their heart to not wanting to be with you the next minute?

I left her alone again for about a week. Then I received a long email from her trying to explain everything. That she had just needed a bit of time to herself to regroup and meditate and get herself back together to where she could be with me. that she missed me and loved me. I was baffled but she swore she wanted us and was fighting for us by getting to a better place. I took her back again.

After this happened, things were good for about two months. Then all of a sudden, we came back from a vacation to the beach where I thought we had grown even closer. well, two days later, she had completely withdrawn and I didn't hear from her for two days. I asked if she was okay, and she called me and broke up with me, saying more horrible stuff. this time it was that she doesn't love me and she's realized she's straight and not attracted to women. That she views me as a phase she went through. I was crushed! I tried to make sense of it - especially since we had just had such a great time together! It made me feel crazy because I was certain she loved me and her actions showed it. It was like she had become two different people. but she seemed so certain of how she felt. Very convincing. she said she wanted to marry a man and I meant nothing to her. So I tried to pick up the pieces and move on. I didn't contact her for a week or so. It was torture. She then suddenly drastically changed her tune completely and started putting flowers and cards on my car, saying she didnt know why she said those things and didnt mean it at all. She tried to get me to take her back. She invited me to her house and had candles everywhere and music playing. She had cooked another great dinner. I was extremely hesitant but eventually she wooed me back into giving it another go because I love her so much. She promised she would work on her issues with her therapist and would get to the bottom of why she does the things she does and says the things she says to me. She tries to explain what goes through her head when she does this. She says when something stresses her, she starts to feel like the world is attacking her. And even being in a relationship with me becomes overwhelming to the point she needs to push me out at all cost. That i make her feel suffocated, even though I'm literally not doing anything.

I had agreed to take her back under the pretense that she work on these issues with her therapist. She promised she would and it would never happen again. That all would be peachy and wonderful. Well, without fail, a week later, she wakes up and tells me out of the blue that she can't be in a relationship and isn't ready. The night before, a man had approached us at a gas station and she freaked out. She started shaking when we got back in the car and drove the wrong way to make sure he didn't follow. She asked if she was over reacting based on her PTSD or if he was really that creepy. I told her to me, he seemed like a normal harmless guy talking to a pretty girl. That I thought everything was fine. We returned to her apartment and she couldn't sleep that night. She was up and down and tossing and turning. She had to turn on a relaxation tape and finally slept around 7 am. That next morning was when sue dumped me, saying she couldn't deal with a relationship. She turned so cold and just kicked me out of her apartment.

How can this happen when just days before, I'm getting flowers on my car and promises of how everything will be different.

Its hard for me not to be mad at her because shes inflicted so much confusion and hurt into my world. And her actions have been so back and forth and conflicting, that I can't get a grasp of what reality really is. How can I be the love of her life one second, and she will go to the ends of the earth to get me back and be with me, and the next, I'm being kicked out with no regard for any of her promises and like she never meant a word she ever said?

Please help. I'm lost and never been so confused. What is going on here? Thanks in advance.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Has she been diagnosed with anything other than PTSD? Like a personality disorder?

 

[blue_eyes18]

No she hasn't. I've actually asked her this before because her actions seem somewhat like borderline personality disorder to me. I asked her if she thought it was possible she had that, and she said she would ask her psychiatrist. But she claims that her psych. is insistent that she really only has PTSD.

 

[kahlan]

First welcom to the forum :)

Now, a big thing in ptsd is to push away people that care. The sufferers have so many walls put up to protect themselves that getting through those can be overwhelming. I do want to say if anything that is going on that can be viewed as abusive by you(emotionally or physically) there is no excuse disorder or not. A need to isolate is common too. Being with someone with ptsd even well maintained is hard but those good times are what keeps us going :)

Check out the supporters section, there are many helpful(i think) threads that may help you with not only taking care of yourself but supporting her healing as well! Best of luck!!! :D

 

[kahlan]

I can understand the confusion over the pushing she's doing. Almost didn't make it through the pushing N. did at the start. We had gotten into an argument and he was telling me.one thing (he was placing everything on him...he's a horrible person, I fell for a lie, etc) and telling a mutual friend that hr didnt know why he was saying all those things because he didnt mean them. Its confusing and infuriating and causes you to doubt yourself(my experience anyway). Anyway I just wanted to.share a little because you aren't alone :)

 

[blue_eyes18]

It has definitely started to feel emotionally abusive. And I always wind up giving her the out that it's only because of her PTSD that she's doing these things and it's not her fault. I get mad at her and then wind up mad at myself because I feel like I should be more understanding.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you for sharing your story. it is infuriating. and I feel bad getting so mad if she truly can't help it. but its still crushing me all the same. We are still broken up and she stands by her decision to end the relationship.

 

[kahlan]

Boundaries boundaries boundaries!!! A lot of times things that in a normal relationship that would be deal breakers get passed off in this type of relationship. The trick is knowing your limits and what is not acceptable in amy circumstance. If she needs space, that's one thing, to get abusive to get that is a totally different story.

 

[kahlan]

Don't blame yourself. She may not be ready for a "real relationship" and that's noones fault. Be gently supportive if you mean to at least be friends but dont expect more than that.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I am sorry for your pain. I know that in my experience, the man I was with would often withdraw after a period of getting closer. Every time we seemed to move to a more serious level, he would push me away, but nothing as extreme as what you described. I dealt with the emotional retreat, not the verbal gut punches intent on pushing one away. I wish I had more to offer you, but I do believe that being a supporter, I found the distancing behavior went against my natural instincts. It was very hard not to take it personally. It was very hard at times period.

I think it is good that your girlfriend is in therapy, but the extreme you described, I am not sure she is ready to manage the stress from a relationship. Good stress is still profound stress for a sufferer. That is just my opinion. I think love isn't enough and you need to take care of yourself. Supporters need to establish definite boundaries and I am not sure she is in a place where she can respect those. I don't know, I know lots of supporters say you should think about if the behaviors you deal with are ones that you would not accept from someone else who did not have PTSD. If you would not accept them from someone without PTSD, you should not accept them now. Would you want to stay knowing that it might not change?

Regardless of what you decide or how you proceed, I am always available if you need to talk. Feel free to message me if you need.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome, Ilifton,
Wow, you have really been through the ringer with this person, and I am very sorry you've been pulled apart by someone who is so very confused.

My advice....RUN away from her...and don't look back. In all my years of 'experience' (4 marriages of my own), and seeing countless people do the 'back and forth' thing, the one thing I know is that it will continue until you finally close the door. Seems she doesn't know how, or doubts herself so much that your heart will never be safe. She has proved it time and time again.

I finally realized that I choose the wrong man, EVERY time, so, I have been single for 19 years. I quite like it. I'd rather be 'alone' and unhappy, than 'with' someone and be unhappy, and wondering when the next 'ending' would come.

I am blessed (?) most of the time to be caring for my mother. It was both parents till my dad passed last December and the 'alone-ness' is more difficult. He was my best friend.

Yes, I feel deeply alone sometimes, and long to be held, but it passes. I have 'issues' with touching and being touched, so that's one of my 'truths' I have to honor. But, I do have friends that make up my close 'family', and if I need a hug, I can ask them for one, with no issues of claustrophobia, or panic. I envisioned something WAY different when I was young, but due to an 'unforeseen' tragedy, lost my only chance of really making a marriage work.

I am SURE you deserve to be loved and cherished for who you are...EVERYONE does. Unless, you decide to 'quit' like I did. I wouldn't advise it without lots of thought.

I hope that you will be sure to heal a LOT before seeking another companion. It's too easy to 'feel' the feelings you WANT, and that can get in the way of logic.

Best of luck, and blessings to you! I am a woman 'of faith', but do not judge other peoples lives. I pray you will find that special someone who will give you the love you deserve, and who accepts the love you want to share.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

She is not ready for a relationship. As hard as it may be, I honestly think you should move on.