Apologies if this comes off a little ranting! I will try to curb it best I can.
I fear my relationship with my sufferer is damaged beyond repair & I don’t know if there is anything that can be done anymore? We met 2.5 years ago &, like so many others I have read on here, I too can describe a strong, deep, love of my life, soulmate kind of bond. It’s a love & a connection I didn’t think was possible & when we’re together & we are good it feels like everything fits into place. Sadly, that feeling so rarely lasts tho.
Reading posts on here, so many seem to describe their good spells as lasting weeks or months. My sufferer & I have never managed this long. A few days would sadly be our best run I would say.
In 2.5 years I would say my sufferer has broken up with me anywhere between 100-150 times & those break ups have lasted anywhere between fleeting moments to a few months at a time.
I hate myself for lowering myself to a similar level (tho nowhere near that excessive amount I promise!) but we have got to a point now where the last few times we agree to “try again” I also now call it a day once we hit a brick wall. It’s not the episodes themselves that scare me off as such, it’s that I see no change & I see no effort to change. But I also know this is the worst thing I could do is to let her feel like I’m abandoning her.
The trouble I believe is largely that my sufferer is both undiagnosed & untreated. When we first met I immediately recognised there were some issues but I was in no way scared off & I fell for her completely. To feel love from her is so all empowering & feels so right & I feel like I’m the luckiest man in the world to see the wonderful person she really is rather than a lot of the front she tries to use to mask herself. But she was breaking up with me within the first week or two of us knowing each other & it has never ceased. Originally I naively thought that as long as I was kind & loving towards her then she would learn to trust & love me back. I now know this was a mistake.
Without going into the endless list of examples, she can fire off on an angry & aggressive rant over literally anything. Whatever I say or do, she will find a way to be so deeply offended, yet it all so rarely makes any logical sense of any kind. Having read many accounts on here I know this is nothing unique. And of course I am not claiming that I have never got something wrong in our relationship! But, as arrogant as it makes me feel to say, I don’t feel I have done that much wrong by her. I have made some mistakes along the way like any person in any relationship would, but even then the reactions are so disproportionate to what has happened. But in the most part, usually nothing has even happened & my sufferer will lash out like her whole world has just fallen apart. Which, for her, I assume it has. I just can’t see why or then reason with her.
The situation is complicated by the fact that I met my sufferer only a few months after she walked away from her husband (12 year relationship) with her 2 children. She is in constant battle with her ex (not her abuser) & is hyper sensitive about her children. Understandable as it was her own childhood that effected her so badly but an even more difficult situation to manage for someone trying to fit into her world.
I have always maintained that my sufferer’s illness does not scare me away from her & that I am willing to work with her to get to a better place. Sadly she remains untreated & unwilling to really see the damage she creates. Even with hindsight, long after an episode is over, it is an extreme rarity for my sufferer to look back & recognise that what upset her was misconstrued, mistaken or just plain didn’t happen. In fact, it would simply just reignite the flame of anger & it will spiral out of control even further. This makes it very tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
I have read so many pieces of advice as to how to deal with a sufferer when they are angry etc. So far nothing seems to work. If I describe how she can come across or how it makes me feel, then I am emotionally abusing her, I am the bully. By telling her I don’t blame her but that I think she’s not well & she needs help, I am gaslighting her. By simply walking away to give us both some space, I am abandoning her. In my weaker moments when I do argue back, it’s disastrous for obvious reasons.
My sufferer has (sparingly) admitted herself that she believes she has CPTSD, yet it never changes anything. I suppose for me I struggle to appreciate that if she believes she has something which she knows can effect her sense of logic surrounding situations, then why can’t she step back to reevaluate or at least step away from the situation to calm down. But then, that would be logical which is maybe the problem?
I don’t feel I have a support network myself because as much as I have wonderful friends & family, their tolerance is exhausted. Understandably they have my best interests at heart & want me to walk away from what they see as me being abused & me living in increasingly regular misery.
I fear I’ve slipped from being her support to simply being her punch bag (or in fact, maybe always was). I question whether she does love me or whether she is simply taking advantage of me. I have been called every name under the sun & more hurtfully a controller, an abuser & a bully.
My sufferer doesn’t have time, concentration or simply interest to be there for me or support me in virtually anything. So I feel like I give my all & get so little in return. I’ve always told myself that that’s cos of the illness & the relationship requires me to be the stronger person, but I now wonder to what an extent? I wonder where the illness ends & where the flaws in personality begin? I don’t want to be a fool who forgives everything under the name of an illness while ignoring myself being treated badly. But at same time I want to support her & show her the world can be a better, more loving place. I still believe her to be the love of my life cos I still feel I see the “real her”. And she maintains I am still the love of her life. I’m just at a loss as to where to turn anymore.
I fear my relationship with my sufferer is damaged beyond repair & I don’t know if there is anything that can be done anymore? We met 2.5 years ago &, like so many others I have read on here, I too can describe a strong, deep, love of my life, soulmate kind of bond. It’s a love & a connection I didn’t think was possible & when we’re together & we are good it feels like everything fits into place. Sadly, that feeling so rarely lasts tho.
Reading posts on here, so many seem to describe their good spells as lasting weeks or months. My sufferer & I have never managed this long. A few days would sadly be our best run I would say.
In 2.5 years I would say my sufferer has broken up with me anywhere between 100-150 times & those break ups have lasted anywhere between fleeting moments to a few months at a time.
I hate myself for lowering myself to a similar level (tho nowhere near that excessive amount I promise!) but we have got to a point now where the last few times we agree to “try again” I also now call it a day once we hit a brick wall. It’s not the episodes themselves that scare me off as such, it’s that I see no change & I see no effort to change. But I also know this is the worst thing I could do is to let her feel like I’m abandoning her.
The trouble I believe is largely that my sufferer is both undiagnosed & untreated. When we first met I immediately recognised there were some issues but I was in no way scared off & I fell for her completely. To feel love from her is so all empowering & feels so right & I feel like I’m the luckiest man in the world to see the wonderful person she really is rather than a lot of the front she tries to use to mask herself. But she was breaking up with me within the first week or two of us knowing each other & it has never ceased. Originally I naively thought that as long as I was kind & loving towards her then she would learn to trust & love me back. I now know this was a mistake.
Without going into the endless list of examples, she can fire off on an angry & aggressive rant over literally anything. Whatever I say or do, she will find a way to be so deeply offended, yet it all so rarely makes any logical sense of any kind. Having read many accounts on here I know this is nothing unique. And of course I am not claiming that I have never got something wrong in our relationship! But, as arrogant as it makes me feel to say, I don’t feel I have done that much wrong by her. I have made some mistakes along the way like any person in any relationship would, but even then the reactions are so disproportionate to what has happened. But in the most part, usually nothing has even happened & my sufferer will lash out like her whole world has just fallen apart. Which, for her, I assume it has. I just can’t see why or then reason with her.
The situation is complicated by the fact that I met my sufferer only a few months after she walked away from her husband (12 year relationship) with her 2 children. She is in constant battle with her ex (not her abuser) & is hyper sensitive about her children. Understandable as it was her own childhood that effected her so badly but an even more difficult situation to manage for someone trying to fit into her world.
I have always maintained that my sufferer’s illness does not scare me away from her & that I am willing to work with her to get to a better place. Sadly she remains untreated & unwilling to really see the damage she creates. Even with hindsight, long after an episode is over, it is an extreme rarity for my sufferer to look back & recognise that what upset her was misconstrued, mistaken or just plain didn’t happen. In fact, it would simply just reignite the flame of anger & it will spiral out of control even further. This makes it very tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
I have read so many pieces of advice as to how to deal with a sufferer when they are angry etc. So far nothing seems to work. If I describe how she can come across or how it makes me feel, then I am emotionally abusing her, I am the bully. By telling her I don’t blame her but that I think she’s not well & she needs help, I am gaslighting her. By simply walking away to give us both some space, I am abandoning her. In my weaker moments when I do argue back, it’s disastrous for obvious reasons.
My sufferer has (sparingly) admitted herself that she believes she has CPTSD, yet it never changes anything. I suppose for me I struggle to appreciate that if she believes she has something which she knows can effect her sense of logic surrounding situations, then why can’t she step back to reevaluate or at least step away from the situation to calm down. But then, that would be logical which is maybe the problem?
I don’t feel I have a support network myself because as much as I have wonderful friends & family, their tolerance is exhausted. Understandably they have my best interests at heart & want me to walk away from what they see as me being abused & me living in increasingly regular misery.
I fear I’ve slipped from being her support to simply being her punch bag (or in fact, maybe always was). I question whether she does love me or whether she is simply taking advantage of me. I have been called every name under the sun & more hurtfully a controller, an abuser & a bully.
My sufferer doesn’t have time, concentration or simply interest to be there for me or support me in virtually anything. So I feel like I give my all & get so little in return. I’ve always told myself that that’s cos of the illness & the relationship requires me to be the stronger person, but I now wonder to what an extent? I wonder where the illness ends & where the flaws in personality begin? I don’t want to be a fool who forgives everything under the name of an illness while ignoring myself being treated badly. But at same time I want to support her & show her the world can be a better, more loving place. I still believe her to be the love of my life cos I still feel I see the “real her”. And she maintains I am still the love of her life. I’m just at a loss as to where to turn anymore.
