General First time poster - supporter or punch bag?

[Sighs]

I try to set boundaries but I just don’t seem to get anywhere.

Boundaries are actually a difficult concept to grasp. The key idea is that a boundary is for YOU not for HER. Because you cannot control anyone but yourself. "You must not scream at me." is a demand or rule not a boundary. "You must not scream at me or I will leave you." is an ultimatum not a boundary. "If you scream at me, I will leave the room or end the telephone call." is a boundary. See the difference?

Boundaries should be communicated to the other person and then acted on each and every time. Only if you are consistent will the boundary work to protect you and to - perhaps - cause the other person to modify their behaviour in response.

(Now if only I could do this myself in my relationship... Sigh! I know the theory but its hard in practice!)

 

[EveHarrington]

How about this?

Breaking up with her could be the BEST thing you do for her in terms of healing.

I’m already diagnosed, and have been in/out of therapy for many years. Yet, I was stalled.

I was in the best relationship of my life but my ups/downs were still too much for him to handle. (He’s a sweet sensitive soul.) The breakup completely caught me by surprise. I was distraught.

But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Why?

On my flight home I made some incredibly profound discoveries about my healing. (I was physically ill for 3 days——profound insight out of pain). Pieces of the puzzle that I didn’t even know existed! (It was like searching for something but never knowing what you are looking for.) Well, hot damn, I found them! Finally, a way to visualize my internal parts and how my system works——yeah, it’s all Greek, but trust me when I say it’s a major accomplishment, one of the biggest since I started healing. I FINALLY have a way to get a handle on my ups and downs.

And the kicker is that I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t get dumped.

Am I sad about the breakup? YES! Do I still love him? YES! Hell, I’m still holding out hope for the future! (We are still friends, or trying rather.)

I say this to illustrate that staying with her could actually be preventing her from moving forward in life.

Oh, and I’m no spring chicken. I’m in my 30’s. To say that I see the necessity in losing the best relationship of my life? I don’t say it lightly. I say it because no relationship will ever be put before my health or my healing.

(And yes, I still love him and think that after we have both done some healing that the relationship could be rekindled. I am healing for me, however.)

 

[ByrnesT]

@ByrnesT I have recently come to where you are. I have fully realized that I have...

Thank you @Buttercup for sharing & I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through.

Ultimately I think you are probably right. I guess I keep hoping that breakthrough moment is going to just magically happen somehow & after some time apart I crack & give in to her asking for another chance based on that. It’s my own weakness for wanting what can feel so good & so pure & being afraid of losing that. But sadly I can’t say yet that I’m in a situation where the good outweighs the bad. The proportions are all way too heavily weighted on the side of bad & truthfully always have been.

Crumbling at the first contact has probably always been my weakness as you fear will be yours. Good luck & I hope you are able to stay strong for what you believe to be the best now for you.

 

[ByrnesT]

Boundaries are actually a difficult concept to grasp. The key idea is that a boundary is for YOU not for...

Ah yes, the theory over practice dilemma! I am completely new to this forum yet I feel I could probably advise someone in my situation far better than I can handle it myself!

Yes I see what you’re saying about your example of boundaries. Again I guess it’s implementing them which is so much more difficult.

I suppose as well as the boundaries I need to set with her anger & how she manages situations, I need to be honest with myself & admit I find it exhausting that she can be offended/upset/angered by seemingly anything. Whatever happens & whatever I do she is going to take things wrong or simply invent things about me. So even if we are able to curb the anger & can talk things through peacefully, as much as that would be SO much better, I will still find it so difficult to be constantly explaining myself. For her to be upset all the time when I know that for the majority of occasions I have done nothing wrong to her. I want her to be able to trust me & see me for who I really am rather than an extension of all those other people who have hurt her. That’s something I know may never come tho.

 

[ByrnesT]

How about this?

Breaking up with her could be the BEST thing you do for her in terms of healing....

Thank you @EveHarrington for sharing. I am so sorry to hear that you are currently not with the man you love but equally I am pleased to hear you have begun your journey to a better place.

Yes I guess admitting to ourselves that we may not be helping our loved ones (as much as we want to) & possibly making things even worse is the most difficult thing to do. And it may not be the fault of either of us, it’s just simply what this illness is driving between us.

It’s absolutely right to say you are healing for you & not the relationship. I wouldn’t want & nor do I think it would be any good if she simply worked at how to be better at our relationship. As much as I believe I get the worst of it because I am a man who she has to trust & I am so close to her, I do see it effecting her in general life too. Maybe to a much lesser extent but I see it effect her relationship with others too. Also maybe after the last few years I need a bit of space to recover now too.

I appreciate the “spring chicken” comment! I myself am 36 now & the thought of losing her does of course, in my weaker moments, leave me wondering where my life is heading if I walk away from this. Prior to this relationship I had spent 5 years as a full time carer for my mother who had early on set dementia. So I guess for about 9 years now I have been waiting for my own life to start as I feel like I’m constantly looking after someone else. For my mother’s illness I have no regrets & would still be doing it now if it was required because there was nothing she could do. I suppose with my sufferer I feel there are things she can do which she is not & I wonder how long do I wait? But I feel like I’m being selfish for feeling this way too.

I suppose the other weakness in me is the fear of how she will react to me letting her go. I would hope she would love herself more than this but I fear there is a potential for her to go off the rails in some ways, to potentially do regrettable things, to sleep around, to put herself into greater harm & come away more hurt. I know it’s a potential of the illness & I think there is a potential for her to do that (tho I hope having her children would help keep her more grounded than if she was alone). But I also know that if I let her go then that is ultimately none of my business & that is weakness on my part. It’s just so hard when you love someone so much.

 

[dulcia]

I think the best thing I did for my (ex)sufferer was to leave. We lasted about 2.5 years, too. As @Sweetpea76 explained, combat vets can sometimes lean towards "fight" instead of "flight" response. For me, that meant all the insults and breaking up you mentioned, then things also got physical. I sucked at setting boundaries. I thought that if I just loved him enough or if I could be good enough, it would make him better. The reality is, it had nothing to do with me. His PTSD was unmanaged and he inconsistently sought/followed treatment. So I was willing to try and he wasn't. And that won't bode well for any relationship, PTSD or not.

Also, please don't act based on fear of how she will react. I used to do that, as well, until I realized I was just enabling my (ex)sufferer's bad behavior. Every time you take her back after she breaks up with you in the heat of the moment, she learns she can do that without consequence in the future. Just remember that everyone's actions have consequences, PTSD or not.

 

[ByrnesT]

I think the best thing I did for my (ex)sufferer was to leave. We lasted about 2.5 years, too. As

Thank you for sharing @dulcia. I am so sorry to hear things didn’t work out with your sufferer. And I am even more sorry to hear that things became physical. I hope you (& he) are both in better places now at least.

Yes I have been aware from very early on that if she does something once, no matter what I say she will repeat that behaviour again & again. Doesn’t matter how much it hurts me she will just repeat it the exact same & in fact she continues to develop new techniques for hurting me. She has obviously learnt that she can get away with it somewhat because I still remain present. It’s so difficult drawing that line between being the constant stable presence they need & recognising when you’re simply being treated unfairly.

My sufferer seems to be stuck in a constant mix of both fight & flight (I don’t see much evidence of the freeze element). It’s fight the world whilst simultaneously running away from it. I have tried to explain that these are not the signs of strength she thinks they are. That in fact when she admits she needs help etc that that is her at her strongest. But I fear it largely falls on deaf ears. I have been suggesting she get help for a long time, that I would come to some therapy with her as well if she wanted. And I would of course recognise my need for help also. I think the idea terrifies her too much tho.

 

[Cyberluddite]

In addition to what @Sweetpea76 and others have mentioned about setting boundaries, there are a few things to also take into consideration for use.

You can't control how other people react, you can only control how you react to it. What your partner does to you, or says to you, that has zero power over you... unless you think it matters.

Nobody owns you, and this would still be the case even if you and your partner got married and/or had kids of your own together. You answer to nobody but yourself, because nobody else was lucky enough to be born the you that you are.

This means that you shouldn't sacrifice life, liberty, and the pursuit of your own happiness for anyone who won't at least make a serious effort to get themselves the necessary help. Sure, we all want to help "the drowning man", but we run the inevitable risk of drowning with him. Some people are too far into their own self-reinforced abyss to be brought back safely.

It's okay to love someone as a human being, that's healthy. But choosing to love someone who is destructively abusive as anything more... it may not always be unhealthy, but it would definitely fall under "good intentions". So yes, empathize by all means but don't sympathize.

Be strong enough to accept the things you cannot change about your partner, be courageous enough to change the things you can about yourself, and learn the wisdom to know the difference. Your partner is a known quantity, you've indicated she isn't going to change.

Trust me, if the positions were reversed most of us guys would've been kicked to the curb for less. I'm sorry that things aren't working out, @ByrnesT , and codependency is a horrible emotional black hole to get sucked into -- especially when you're the independent one at the beginning.

But unlike an actual black hole, you can escape from a codependent partner. She's likely going to get mad at you when you start setting boundaries and maintaining them. So what? Let her get as furious as she wants, because you're strong enough to not enable her abuse.

You say you see the problem, and that you want it to stop. Today is a great day for pursuing your happiness... because you deserve what your partner won't even give herself.

Honesty. Accountability. Love.

Empathy.

 

[ByrnesT]

In addition to what @Sweetpea76 and others have mentioned about setting boundar...

Thank you @Cyberluddite for your reply.

To be honest it’s very hard to know what else I can say or add to what you have said as it is very measured & absolutely right. Now if I could just find the magic formula for putting these ideas & practices into action then I would be a multi-millionaire!

 

[Cyberluddite]

Whoops! Hit post too soon by accident!

To be honest it’s very hard to know what else I can say or a...

It's the same way you get to play at Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. :)

 

[ByrnesT]

It's the same way you get to play at Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. :)...

Starting to feel like I’ve got as much chance of playing at Carnegie Hall as managing all this!

 

[Ja_yne]

Reading this has mirrored exactly my relationship. I have been with my wife for 14 years, married for 12, and she has become no better. With traumatic experiences as a young adult, being assaulted again this year has been the straw on the camels back. She has been seeing counsellors for years but only this passed month have I been able to get the psychiatrist to diagnose PTSD. I had to argue the case with them, as my wife has flashbacks day and night and don't sleep well at all.
But this week I saw her drink heavily, this is her coping mechanism and has been since she was young, because she had to miss a counseeling session. We currently pay for her sessions and, as she has not been able to work her usual hours, we were unable to afford for her to go. She doesn't accept change well and her emotions explode. I had a fleeting moment of whether our marriage would survive her drinking again. Well she read my text messages to her counsellor, I mentioned this to, so I explained to her my moment of questioning myself. Now she is talking about separating to see what we both want. Her sister-in-law is going away next week and she is talking about moving there. What can I say to stop her from going? I love her and want to support her through this. My worry is that she is self-harming and without me she may tip over. Any advice would be great. Thanks