sunshinegirl
New Here
This is very long but if just one person could take the time to read and help, I'd be grateful. I'm really spiraling out of control.
This is my first time posting here but have come here because I feel I need help, cannot go to my doctor and because I feel things are rapidly sliding out of control. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 15 due to a combination of an abusive relationship involving rape with a man, and severe bullying at school. I am now coming up for 23 and although I still have symptoms of PTSD, the way it has manifested itself over the years has changed.
At first it was the flashbacks, nightmares, sleepwalking, sleep talking, avoidance of triggers etc. And then it morphed in to me losing a lot of motivation for my school work at the time. Then I developed something that were like panic attacks but no where near as bad as they are now, where I’d just cry and shake and my teeth would chatter. To this day my teeth have not stopped chattering when I’m upset or scared. I cannot control it. Shortly after that stage I developed a twitch. My old doctor could never confirm 100% if it was trauma induced as there is no pattern to it at all, but he believed it might have been. It happens maybe 5 times a day and is like that feeling when you think you’re falling and you jump. About a couple of years ago I stopped experiencing flashbacks, however in their place I developed extreme anxiety and panic attacks. The panic attacks have really altered me. Anyone who knows me would think I am a confident and out going person, but I now get anxious about everything from speaking on the phone, to the point I now really just text and nothing else, to being in crowded rooms. I don’t like spending time with people unless it is business, they are my partner, my family or very select close friends. I’d rather go shopping on my own or do whatever on my own, just to avoid talking to people. None of seems to have anything to do with the source of my PTSD, but it seems to have developed out of the PTSD if that makes sense. Through out all of these changes in my PTSD, I have had therapy on and off when I’ve thought I’ve needed it. About 2 years ago, I went through another traumatic experience and lost my father to cancer. We were very close and after that I started taking beta blockers (atenolol) to combat the panic attacks and I have been on and off them ever since. His death hit my hard as I always had this idea that when my mum and Dad died, I’d kill myself too. Him dying was like I became one death away from suicide. I am currently off my beta blockers. I also met my partner a year and a half ago, and although now feel I am still two deaths away from suicide, I have no plans to kill myself. Its probably a really macabre thought, I know this. But sometimes I feel, its the thought of what it would do to her and my mum, that stops me. I’m worried what will happen to me when they are gone. I know it wouldn’t take a lot to push me over the edge.
Recently my PTSD has been changing again. I have been feeling really violent. I feel constantly angry about my multiple disabilities. I know I’m not wheelchair bound, and I know I am not terminally ill, but I have a learning disability, I have my PTSD, and I have an illness which affects my sweat glands which means I constantly over heat and develop lumps in my skin. It gets me down. Sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to cope but I keep going and I try to be happy. I feel I inhabit a middle ground where I am always just on the edge, and the slightest thing could tip me over the edge. As long as I’m in control of everything and keeping everything around me calm – not associating with people who will upset me, not putting myself in situations where I’ll be scared, I’m fine. But recently when the circumstances around me have become stressful, I have being feeling violent. I think about smashing the TV or sticking a knife through the sofa. Crazy things but it’s like I just go under this spell and its as if its not me. Worst of all, I have lashed out physically at my partner during arguments. We are not talking me pinning her against a wall and punching her in the face, we’re just talking launching myself at her. We sort of lock arms and I push and she pushes. She’s pushing because she’s trying to keep me off and I’m pushing because I want to break through to her and lash out. Last night, I managed to break through and took a few swings at her. I caught her lip and it bled a tiny bit. I also hit her shoulder. I am shocked and appalled at where it all comes from, its as if I completely lose control. I have never been a violent person and until this whole thing I have never even tried to hit anyone.
I don’t know where it comes from. This has all happened in the last 3-4 months. My partner is tall and quite strong, where I am about 5ft and very petite and small. I didn’t know I had this physical strength in me. Sometimes when I feel violent and angry, in the back of my head I know this isn’t just about that her and I have had a typical couples argument – because that’s all they are, little arguments over nothing which I just see red over and completely lose it. But in the back of my head I can’t help but feel this is all the violence and anger and volatile words I would unleash if I ever met the person who raped me again, or if I ever saw the people who made my life hell at school. A couple years ago I would not have felt this way, but now it’s as if I suddenly feel I could actually deck them. I feel I could hurt them.
I am writing this as honestly as I can because I now i need help. I can eel myself spiraling. I feel these bursts of violence are like panic attacks, they feel very similar. I once read a poem about panic attacks where it compared them to a bird called the panic birds that comes in to a room and swoops around and causes havoc and chaos and then it leaves and everything is silent, and just bird feathers and bird droppings remain and then you slowly come to and see all the chaos and you’re just like “omg, did I just do all that?”. That’s how I feel after a wave of anger and violence. I just sit and shock at what I did, what I thought and what I was trying to do.
I cannot do to my dr. I live in an area where there is a serious language barrier between myself and the doctor. It’s not just me, its a frequently complained about thing in my area. I hope nobody takes that as racism because its not I’m just explaining what the problem is. In the past when I have gone to the doctor, I don’t feel the dr is understanding enough of what I am saying. I am constantly having to explain words. I’d rather not chance a misunderstanding over something as serious as this.
Something my partner has said is that I haven’t had therapy since my Dad died and this is true, but I don’t understand how that would cause such anger? She also says that when I fly in to these rages, it’s like I’m someone else, like a split personality. Further to this, I’ve started having nightmares again and often when m partner tries to calm me down because I’m distressed in my sleep, I wake up and lash out at her. It’s not her I’m lashing out at though, it’s just the reaction. I’m scared and I think I’m under threat and so I lash out in defense.
It’s all just a horrible mess.
I’m worried I’ve become open of those people who was once attacked and is now attacking others. It is quickly getting out of control.
Please help. Maybe I just need someone to talk me trough what is happening to me and to help me find ways to cope.
Sorry this was so long.
This is my first time posting here but have come here because I feel I need help, cannot go to my doctor and because I feel things are rapidly sliding out of control. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 15 due to a combination of an abusive relationship involving rape with a man, and severe bullying at school. I am now coming up for 23 and although I still have symptoms of PTSD, the way it has manifested itself over the years has changed.
At first it was the flashbacks, nightmares, sleepwalking, sleep talking, avoidance of triggers etc. And then it morphed in to me losing a lot of motivation for my school work at the time. Then I developed something that were like panic attacks but no where near as bad as they are now, where I’d just cry and shake and my teeth would chatter. To this day my teeth have not stopped chattering when I’m upset or scared. I cannot control it. Shortly after that stage I developed a twitch. My old doctor could never confirm 100% if it was trauma induced as there is no pattern to it at all, but he believed it might have been. It happens maybe 5 times a day and is like that feeling when you think you’re falling and you jump. About a couple of years ago I stopped experiencing flashbacks, however in their place I developed extreme anxiety and panic attacks. The panic attacks have really altered me. Anyone who knows me would think I am a confident and out going person, but I now get anxious about everything from speaking on the phone, to the point I now really just text and nothing else, to being in crowded rooms. I don’t like spending time with people unless it is business, they are my partner, my family or very select close friends. I’d rather go shopping on my own or do whatever on my own, just to avoid talking to people. None of seems to have anything to do with the source of my PTSD, but it seems to have developed out of the PTSD if that makes sense. Through out all of these changes in my PTSD, I have had therapy on and off when I’ve thought I’ve needed it. About 2 years ago, I went through another traumatic experience and lost my father to cancer. We were very close and after that I started taking beta blockers (atenolol) to combat the panic attacks and I have been on and off them ever since. His death hit my hard as I always had this idea that when my mum and Dad died, I’d kill myself too. Him dying was like I became one death away from suicide. I am currently off my beta blockers. I also met my partner a year and a half ago, and although now feel I am still two deaths away from suicide, I have no plans to kill myself. Its probably a really macabre thought, I know this. But sometimes I feel, its the thought of what it would do to her and my mum, that stops me. I’m worried what will happen to me when they are gone. I know it wouldn’t take a lot to push me over the edge.
Recently my PTSD has been changing again. I have been feeling really violent. I feel constantly angry about my multiple disabilities. I know I’m not wheelchair bound, and I know I am not terminally ill, but I have a learning disability, I have my PTSD, and I have an illness which affects my sweat glands which means I constantly over heat and develop lumps in my skin. It gets me down. Sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to cope but I keep going and I try to be happy. I feel I inhabit a middle ground where I am always just on the edge, and the slightest thing could tip me over the edge. As long as I’m in control of everything and keeping everything around me calm – not associating with people who will upset me, not putting myself in situations where I’ll be scared, I’m fine. But recently when the circumstances around me have become stressful, I have being feeling violent. I think about smashing the TV or sticking a knife through the sofa. Crazy things but it’s like I just go under this spell and its as if its not me. Worst of all, I have lashed out physically at my partner during arguments. We are not talking me pinning her against a wall and punching her in the face, we’re just talking launching myself at her. We sort of lock arms and I push and she pushes. She’s pushing because she’s trying to keep me off and I’m pushing because I want to break through to her and lash out. Last night, I managed to break through and took a few swings at her. I caught her lip and it bled a tiny bit. I also hit her shoulder. I am shocked and appalled at where it all comes from, its as if I completely lose control. I have never been a violent person and until this whole thing I have never even tried to hit anyone.
I don’t know where it comes from. This has all happened in the last 3-4 months. My partner is tall and quite strong, where I am about 5ft and very petite and small. I didn’t know I had this physical strength in me. Sometimes when I feel violent and angry, in the back of my head I know this isn’t just about that her and I have had a typical couples argument – because that’s all they are, little arguments over nothing which I just see red over and completely lose it. But in the back of my head I can’t help but feel this is all the violence and anger and volatile words I would unleash if I ever met the person who raped me again, or if I ever saw the people who made my life hell at school. A couple years ago I would not have felt this way, but now it’s as if I suddenly feel I could actually deck them. I feel I could hurt them.
I am writing this as honestly as I can because I now i need help. I can eel myself spiraling. I feel these bursts of violence are like panic attacks, they feel very similar. I once read a poem about panic attacks where it compared them to a bird called the panic birds that comes in to a room and swoops around and causes havoc and chaos and then it leaves and everything is silent, and just bird feathers and bird droppings remain and then you slowly come to and see all the chaos and you’re just like “omg, did I just do all that?”. That’s how I feel after a wave of anger and violence. I just sit and shock at what I did, what I thought and what I was trying to do.
I cannot do to my dr. I live in an area where there is a serious language barrier between myself and the doctor. It’s not just me, its a frequently complained about thing in my area. I hope nobody takes that as racism because its not I’m just explaining what the problem is. In the past when I have gone to the doctor, I don’t feel the dr is understanding enough of what I am saying. I am constantly having to explain words. I’d rather not chance a misunderstanding over something as serious as this.
Something my partner has said is that I haven’t had therapy since my Dad died and this is true, but I don’t understand how that would cause such anger? She also says that when I fly in to these rages, it’s like I’m someone else, like a split personality. Further to this, I’ve started having nightmares again and often when m partner tries to calm me down because I’m distressed in my sleep, I wake up and lash out at her. It’s not her I’m lashing out at though, it’s just the reaction. I’m scared and I think I’m under threat and so I lash out in defense.
It’s all just a horrible mess.
I’m worried I’ve become open of those people who was once attacked and is now attacking others. It is quickly getting out of control.
Please help. Maybe I just need someone to talk me trough what is happening to me and to help me find ways to cope.
Sorry this was so long.
