This is my first time posting. However, I have referenced this site for several years now. I'm at a point in my relationship where I have given up and walked away. The guilt I feel is horrible, but after 3 years of this relationship and already being a single parent, just recently completing grad school, working full-time, and picking up side work I have hit my emotional Rock Bottom with my boyfriend.
The relationship was perfect for the first 6 months and then stressors started occurring and it was not healthy and I took a lot of it and personalized it. It sent me back to a difficult place that I had worked very hard to get out of from a prior relationship that was domestic violence. My boyfriend used that against me at times to excuse his behavior. and triggers.
Needless to say, I fought very hard to wrap my head around the difficulties my boyfriend was having despite all of my own things. I dived into what I thought was ptsd, joined support groups, went to individual therapy. I don't even know how I did it with his psychiatrist (maybe along with his family and me involving them), but I was able to convince him to see what he had been struggling with for the last 12 years and what bad has come of it.
He has combat PTSD, depression, anxiety, and what I refused to acknowledge as alcohol use disorder. I got him to into a nonprofit organization that out him in a treatment facility that is one of the best in the nation and he completed that program. He came home and started working the treatment plan after discharge but it didn't last very long.
I look back now and I see that it was never really a relationship. I allowed so much because I blamed the diagnoses. I was solely keeping it together. I don't minimize anything that he struggles with, but I was not getting the same effort in return and really hurts me.
I have recently entered into my new profession as a therapist that specializes in these diagnoses so I'm privy to the side of the sufferer and the side of the supporter and family.
I tried my best to deal with what occurred with him before he went to treatment as well as trying to progress our relationship since treatment. He was on board with us focusing on us and healthiness and then the last few months I have watched him back slide. I have tried vocalizing it. He his turning back into someone I don't know.
I did something that I was not fully ready to do and not wanting to do, but I finally inserted a boundary and told him that I can't be with him anymore and that I choose myself over him because of his current choices. I was watching myself break apart waiting and hoping while dealing with the onset of isolation, no communication, anger, and meanness.
I feel awful. I want so badly to run back and tell him it'll be okay and that we can find a way, but I'm so tired and I want a 50/50 relationship and a healthy relationship.
I know he has to take responsibility and accountability for himself and all I have done is enable. I thought I was this strong independent driven person and inside I'm so hurt by everything.
The last month we fell into this ignore each other for a couple days and then reach back out again, but this time I can't reach out to him because he expects it. When I told him I was done and I had enough and I explained to him why I was choosing myself its like he didn't even care and he acted as if I didn't exist.
I'm coming to the forum to semi vent and try to understand. My friendships and my relationships with my family for the last two years have been segregated from my relationship because of the struggles of the relationship.
For me, there's this man in there that is phenomenal and a good man. I love him so much. He at times can be my best friend and make me laugh. I know he loves me and I know he cares about me and my children, but what he struggles with consumes him.
I'm really trying to keep it together because I'm about ready to take my boards and my children only have me as a parent and I can't break down and hide. Then on top of it at work, we work at the same facility, so I feel like I'm having to hide to avoid seeing him.
I know he didn't mean for any of this to happen. I really don't want to loose him, but I know if he doesn't pull himself back out and commit to treatment, I can't stand by and watch him struggle and I can't have that kind of life for myself and my children.
My fear is that in his mind I wasn't good enough for him to follow through on the promises he made. My fear is that it is over. My fear is he won't pull himself out.
There is so much more to the back story, hopefully this makes some sense. He didn't deserve these struggles and I feel like I let him down but I can only take so much.
I'm completely nervous about posting this. I don't think he gets on these forums. I hope not.
The relationship was perfect for the first 6 months and then stressors started occurring and it was not healthy and I took a lot of it and personalized it. It sent me back to a difficult place that I had worked very hard to get out of from a prior relationship that was domestic violence. My boyfriend used that against me at times to excuse his behavior. and triggers.
Needless to say, I fought very hard to wrap my head around the difficulties my boyfriend was having despite all of my own things. I dived into what I thought was ptsd, joined support groups, went to individual therapy. I don't even know how I did it with his psychiatrist (maybe along with his family and me involving them), but I was able to convince him to see what he had been struggling with for the last 12 years and what bad has come of it.
He has combat PTSD, depression, anxiety, and what I refused to acknowledge as alcohol use disorder. I got him to into a nonprofit organization that out him in a treatment facility that is one of the best in the nation and he completed that program. He came home and started working the treatment plan after discharge but it didn't last very long.
I look back now and I see that it was never really a relationship. I allowed so much because I blamed the diagnoses. I was solely keeping it together. I don't minimize anything that he struggles with, but I was not getting the same effort in return and really hurts me.
I have recently entered into my new profession as a therapist that specializes in these diagnoses so I'm privy to the side of the sufferer and the side of the supporter and family.
I tried my best to deal with what occurred with him before he went to treatment as well as trying to progress our relationship since treatment. He was on board with us focusing on us and healthiness and then the last few months I have watched him back slide. I have tried vocalizing it. He his turning back into someone I don't know.
I did something that I was not fully ready to do and not wanting to do, but I finally inserted a boundary and told him that I can't be with him anymore and that I choose myself over him because of his current choices. I was watching myself break apart waiting and hoping while dealing with the onset of isolation, no communication, anger, and meanness.
I feel awful. I want so badly to run back and tell him it'll be okay and that we can find a way, but I'm so tired and I want a 50/50 relationship and a healthy relationship.
I know he has to take responsibility and accountability for himself and all I have done is enable. I thought I was this strong independent driven person and inside I'm so hurt by everything.
The last month we fell into this ignore each other for a couple days and then reach back out again, but this time I can't reach out to him because he expects it. When I told him I was done and I had enough and I explained to him why I was choosing myself its like he didn't even care and he acted as if I didn't exist.
I'm coming to the forum to semi vent and try to understand. My friendships and my relationships with my family for the last two years have been segregated from my relationship because of the struggles of the relationship.
For me, there's this man in there that is phenomenal and a good man. I love him so much. He at times can be my best friend and make me laugh. I know he loves me and I know he cares about me and my children, but what he struggles with consumes him.
I'm really trying to keep it together because I'm about ready to take my boards and my children only have me as a parent and I can't break down and hide. Then on top of it at work, we work at the same facility, so I feel like I'm having to hide to avoid seeing him.
I know he didn't mean for any of this to happen. I really don't want to loose him, but I know if he doesn't pull himself back out and commit to treatment, I can't stand by and watch him struggle and I can't have that kind of life for myself and my children.
My fear is that in his mind I wasn't good enough for him to follow through on the promises he made. My fear is that it is over. My fear is he won't pull himself out.
There is so much more to the back story, hopefully this makes some sense. He didn't deserve these struggles and I feel like I let him down but I can only take so much.
I'm completely nervous about posting this. I don't think he gets on these forums. I hope not.
