Relationship First Time Reaching Out

[Livy's Mom]

Hello. Taking a deap breath. I have been lurking on forums and websites for a year and a half just reading stories and gathering all of the information on PTSD I possibly could hoping and praying I would find a way to help my boyfriend. We have a 6 month old baby girl together.

As you all know from many of your own experiences I have hit brick wall after brick wall. He doesn't want help. He says things like therapy is not for me and you don't fix this you just live through it. I try my best to manage but I don't do it well. I push him and push him out of desperation and I have pushed him out. He drinks most days and I have a hard time dealing with that. His drinking doesn't cause any issues other than making me upset so he uses these arguments as his reason for saying I make him unhappy. I'm smart enough to know that just isn't true.

After another argument over drinking he left us. He said he just doesn't want to be with me anymore and that's that. He is so matter of fact about it. No discussion no trying to make it work. He has done this before and I am aware of how many sufferers do this but it's very difficult with a young baby.

I now know that I just have to leave him alone and IF he does come back which I'm not sure he ever will, I have to learn how to manage myself differently in regards to his PTSD and drinking instead of trying to fix him.

I here because I need to learn how to do that. I'm also looking for hope that he won't abandon our family for good. I have to have hope that he won't leave me and our baby for good :-(

 

[BigBear]

1) He must be a responsible person or you shouldn't let him into your child's life!
2) Only he can heal himself. Also, healing is a relative term. You never go back to what you were. But you also don't have to drink your life away.

So, space is important to him. If he comes back, I'd ask for relationship counseling. Don't try to make it about tricking him into fixing himself. It's about learning what you can do and what you can't. My therapist has helped me sooooo much with understanding what my wife needs and what I need. The problem is that I think your T would need to get a handle on who he is as well. And yes, I know that's a very tricky part!

Bear

 

[discarded]

Sounds like your boyfriend is handling the situation very much like my exhusband, no therapy and lots of drink. Like BigBear said, it is risky to let hi into to your child's life. I have had to put my foot down with my husband when it comes to seeing our 12 year old, I won't allow her to go in a vehicle with him if he is the driver as I can not be sure he isn't over the legal alcohol limit.

It is both a sad and difficult situation you are in. The most important people at this point are you and your baby. You need support for you. I know it is hard and I am still struggling myself, but you need to make a life for yourself and baby apart from him and not live in the hope he will come back. He might come back but you shouldn't put your life on hold waiting and hoping. He needs to try to deal with his situation a lot better or this pattern will continue over and over.

I don't know how to get him to seek help, I failed in that respect with my husband. What I do know is I did the best I could for him with what I knew at the time. I found the forum and all it has to offer after I left him and wish I had the knowledge about PTSD that I have gained on here a long time ago. Naturally I still live in hope that someday my husband will seek the help that he needs but I am no longer prepared to live with him while he works it all out.

I hope you find some answers on here. You will find heaps of support here.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you for your responses. I know that she and I need to be the priority but man is that HARD to do. I am so glad I came to this site. I already feel like people understand. When I try to talk to family they give me advice that I know is wrong. I know the usual ways of handling things just don't apply with him.