First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[nimkekaa]

Reading, listening and sending hugs to you if you need them.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks nimkekaa! Always needing them - even on my good days! Have had an odd week and not really been here much, but no doubt will be writing more soon.....

 

[GreenFrog2]

Falling apart......just falling apart.

I know what I need, but I don;t seem to be able to make it happen. I can't hold myself together for long enough to get anything done and even if I could I don't trust any of my own decisions.

I cry and cry and cry. All of the time. I wish so much that I had someone here to hold me - I am working on this, but it takes so long to build friendships, especially when you are falling apart.

I have been doing some journal writing - not much, not very much of anything which is why I am struggling so much at the moment - the more I do the better I end up feeling about myself. But when I am really down (insomnia and migraines) it is too hard to self-care so I end up going down hill, fast.

I have put my journal on the table and will do some writing today. I read an article a few weeks ago about a thing called "morning pages" where you write anything and everything that comes out of your mind - kind of like a tidy up of thinking and emotions. The lady who wrote it said that it has been great for her to clear her mind each day - before she gets going with work etc... and leaves her with an understanding of what it is that is really bothering her. she can then focus on that issue/s either straight away or later on the day.

I like this idea as I often have a lot of "junk" stuff like generalized anxiety, which gets in the way of me focusing on what I really need to attend to. At the moment I think (know) my main need is to develop my social network. To do this I need to re-develop my ability to hold my emotions in check, and that has been extremely hard lately - no one likes it when someone they barely know starts crying for no apparent reason!!!!

So back to meditation and exercise for this. I also think that I cry so much due to loneliness (especially when I wake up at 2am) so I am hoping that as I develop the emotional regulation I will get better social interaction and that in turn will help my self esteem and I will cope better due to feeling less alone.

Any suggestions out there on things that have worked for you to help control emotions??? Ideas appreciated!!!

 

[GreenFrog2]

Maybe the meditation is helping and maybe the positive lists are helping. Really not sure.

I woke up this morning and was surprised (and grateful) that I had 8 hours of sleep last night after having gone to bed early due to exhaustion. I was not moody, sad, or anxious! Yippeeeee! I listened to a meditation tape and then turned on the radio and listened to some music. I was aware that I was pretty calm and enjoyed it and the little lie in.

Then I had to get up and do some work (at home) and the stress and anxiety just swamped me - I hate it so much. It just takes over - I have treid to bring my thinking back to my breathing and to just meditate, but I keep thinking of so much "stuff" . Too much frazzeled and broken "stuff". Old stuff, family stuff, new stuff, possible stuff.

I know, I know! It is all a part of the process of healing - I need to go through this and in a way I appreciate it as I am starting to get a grip on the FACTs of the past - less wishing things had been different - which is good for me as I can see people for what they were and only blame myself for my own things. And, I recognize how broken I was, and that this is the reason I could not cope back then. I am hoping that I will be able to forgive myself for not being stronger soon - I want to forgive myself and let things go.......

Maybe then I can bring my attention back to the present and build a better future for myself - I bloody well hope so!

 

[GreenFrog2]

And now I am even worse than yesterday. Between December and February I had felt that I was doing OK - making some progress and dealing with far more crap that I needed to have in my life. There were lots of ups and downs, but overall I thought that I was making some progress. But now I don;t know - the last few weeks have been horrific for me.

When I go to my journal I can see that I have gone into this habit of really focusing on the past and wishing it were different. I do know that this can't happen of course, but I keep going there. I get angry with myself, and that only makes it worse.

I then go to my list of values and goals - the things that I want in my life, and the step by step plan that I have to make them happen. I look at it and cry - I am too tired to do anything more than the absolute essentials!

I want these things in my life so very much - I crave them. I need to try and get my thinking back to the present and the future otherwise I will go mad - as the past makes me more angry than I know how to cope with - it fills me with hate.

Am I rambling? Maybe, but I don't care. How do I get myself back onto the path that I was travelling down so well? Last time it was being here, meditation and journal that worked, so I guess that's where I will start again.......

1/ forum
2/ exercise
3/ meditation
4/ journal

 

[nimkekaa]

When I go to my journal I can see that I have gone into this habit of really focusing on the past and wishing it were different. I do know that this can't happen of course, but I keep going there. I get angry with myself, and that only makes it worse.

One idea I thought of when I read this was, to set a timer and let yourself feel, and mourn the past you didn't have but after the timer goes off then you tell yourself that it's time to put the past away and work on the present.

Have something planned that you are easily motivated to do so that you don't get lost in the past. This can help you feel like you have a little more control over when and how you process the past.

Thinking about it, feeling it and being angry with the hurt etc from the past is all good for you but being present is also. And with loss of control being a huge part of abuse this might be a little way to feel like you are taking back some contol over your live. Just make sure you have a really positive thing to do in the present that you really want to do.

Just a thought. Let me know if you try it and how it works for you if you do.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I like the idea of a timer - it might help me to learn to control the emotional flooding that takes over. Because it really takes over - sometimes it is impossible for me to fell and mourn what has happened and what I have lost. I try, but there can be so much screaming through my head that I can't make sense of any of it, when this happens I dont know that a timer would stop it as nothing else has - but I will work up the courage to try!

I might use the timer as a starting point to stopping the flooding - it will be the thing that gets me to commence on setting aside the emotional turmoil, rather than having to do it instantly as that does not work when my alarm goes of int he morning.

I also like the ides of planning something that I am easily motivated to do - unfortunately there is not much of that in my life at the moment. However I do enjoy the calm sensation that I achieve from time to time when meditating - so I might use the timer to remind myself to play a meditation tape (several times if needed) to see if that can get me settle and set aside the memories for a period of time.

And I really like the idea of having some control - it is one of the reasons that I persisted with developing my meditation skills - some of the time I feel like I am in control of my feelings and thinking - it is amazing how clear I can "see" at times, and I hope eventually to be able to do this easily and whenever I need to!

Thank you for validating that it is OK to think, feel and be angry about what has happened - often I feel as if I am not supposed to be! "Silly" as going over it all is the only way that I can process it, and move past it, or learn to live with it all anyway.

I will have using a timer as a goal and try to do this soon - I am very fragile and exhausted at the moment so will just have to wait and see how I go.....I have recently been trying to do mindfulness meditation without the recording, and this has been a huge challenge for me - with some very small progress, which I am truly pleased about, so I don't want to rock the boat with this too much just yet! Will let you know how it goes....

 

[GreenFrog2]

I was quietly reading a novel awhile ago and one of the characters had just gone though a "light-bulb" moment where she realized that her anger at the world was an expression of self-pity, which she had been holding onto to sustain herself as a victim. She had asked herself why, and decided that it was because that was all she now had - that being a victim was who she had become. She decided that she had held onto this persona for so long because she had no idea who she would be without it.

She was then in a position of having to decide who she would be without the "victim" personality. she had stopped many of the behaviors of being a victim, but had not yet decided who she was going to be next.

I could relate to this - although I didn't want to then, and still don't like to acknowledge that I have let the victim mentality be a part of me, it has become a part of my thinking and it does affect my thinking so much.

It is a very big part of my warped thinking, which I am trying to set aside so that I can allow my healthy thinking to be dominate and so that I can live a life that I enjoy - doing the things that I like and being with people who I appreciate and who value me. I can see this life, but my shield of warped thinking is still inhibiting my moving much closer to it.

I am trying to see the positive progress that I have made over the last 3 months, and I know that if I can stay on this path that I will achieve this life (or something quite like it that I enjoy). It is just so hard and so terribly lonely! The sorrow that I feel is heartbreaking at times and it weighs me down.

Guess when it does this the most? When I am in social situations - times when I can develop friendships and feel some kind of support! I miss having this so much and I know that after a short period of time I will have to go home and be alone and this thinking takes over! I am working on challenging the thinking so that when I am in social settings I can focus on them and not think of the past / future (thank you meditation). It is one of the hardest things, and it makes me cry which can be pretty embarrassing - but I will persist with this, as I am positive that the single biggest thing that I can do to help myself is to re-connect with the world - although It feels like I will be doing it for the first time I am such a "beginner" at it.

Always when I am writing in my journal and I pose the questions what so I need to do to address this issue, one of the things is to have the comfort of friends, and the small bits of this that I am getting are healthy for me.

So I guess that I need to "stop feeling sorry for myself" (and I mean that in a gentle, caring 'it's time to make progress' kind of a way) so that I can make room in my life for a better, more positive future that I enjoy - as I can't live with this darkness that overcomes me and I don't want to even try.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I was going to edit the above and write that one of the things that I am looking forward to, and that I am willing to work hard for, is a present with NO ANXIETY. Imagine that! NO ANXIETY at all.

 

[GreenFrog2]

How am I feeling? Well my brain feels like mush! I am so frightened that I can't even stop and think. You know, take some moments to look at the facts of why I am frightened and realize that there is no need to be! I have survived this long, surely I can keep going and rebuild my life?

My confidence is really low and I a finding it to hard to be calm for now. I keep reminding myself that I can be sad and devastated and still get on with each day. If I do this, then by the end of the year my life might be in an OK place - if I don;t do this then at the end of the year I will be even worse than I am now and that is such a dark place that I don't want to have to think about it.

In a way the dark place is starting to look really good - almost tempting. But I know that is just a fantasy - it is not a good place and I need to resist the temptation to be seduced into thinking that I ever want to go there.

 

[Abstract]

Greenfrog, I actually think there is no normal with no anxiety at all. I hope that is not disheartening but I found it helpful. Progress for me is about being able to tolerate and work with the emotions that come in life and not in thinking that I can always be fine.

What could you do now to help you step away from the darkness just a bit? What do you need?

 

[GreenFrog2]

Abstract - thank you so much for this reply. I had plans for the Eater weekend with friends from interstate who were visiting my city for a sporting event with their kids. The schedule got changed and they had to cancel. I understand why, but this has left me feeling totally alone and really anxious about my worth and ability to be liked and / loved. I know it is an over-reaction to the cancellation, but I also know that this has been caused by years of isolation.

Yesterday I tried to sooth myself with exercise, meditation, reading and watching some movies - anything to distract myself from how much I was hurting. It worked out OK - I ended up being able to contain myself. I was not all that soothed, but managed to tolerate the emotions!

Then I came here this morning and have read your post - thank you for saying that progress is being able to tolerate and work with the emotions. I needed to hear this written directly and clearly and you have done it at the perfect time for me.

I have been using meditation to develop a technique where I put the emotions beside me (in a basket). This way I am letting them go a little. I can't totally let go do them as they seem to be validating me - I deserve sympathy and if I am the only person that I get if from so be it - I think this is one of the reasons that I hang onto the emotions - I rarely get empathy from others, and I never got it from my family.

Also when the emotions are in the basket my thinking becomes clearer and I can see what the emotions are and are caused by. This gives me a little breathing space to process them and allows me to sit down and write in my journal about them. I am writing at the moment about whether or not I deserve to be loved - and how to let others love me. The emotional side of this is really hard and I like your idea of learning to tolerate the emotions and anxiety that happen, and then to work with them - although I am not entirely sure if we mean the same thing by this. To me it is about processing the "why" of the emotions - what has upset me and can I do anything about it. If I can figure out what and then learn to implement the action so that I can develop my ability to tolerate the emotions "better".

Is this what you mean? Or something else? I'd love to know as although I am a mess at the moment I think that I am making some progress in these practices and am looking forward to being able to cope with the emotions instead of having over whelming emotional flooding take over......