First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

You need now to work on getting your stress cup emptied about.

Thanks discarded, and ((((hug))))) right back at you.

Yes I do - just can't - have so much going on in my life that I find it almost impossible to do anything, which makes it hard to deal with my problems. I try to do at least 1 thing each day, and maybe one day I will have resolved them. But even this is enough to make the stress bucket overflow. Then I have to try to care for myself so that I can make it to night time and sleep - which helps a tiny, tiny bit.

Then I wake up - stressed!!!!! and have to "soldier on".

I still do my morning walk and guided meditation, then I meditate several times during the day (between tasks) so that I can get through the hours.

Today I paid my rent and made some inquiries about work as I am fast running out of money (now 'aint that a stressor!). I used to also do some Journal work, and was starting on some CBT self help programs - but these have gone by the wayside due to excessive stress levels - I just could not cope with them at all.

Wish I could do more for myself to help relax, but it just has not been happening. It's like I am half way out of the suicide hole, and get get the rest of the way out.

I have a list of all the things that are stressing me and know why am stressed - but not a clue on what to do about it except wait and hope I don't go backwards.

I feel like a child saying I can't, I can't I can't. An exhausted, confused, hurt, frightened, rejected little child - just like I used to be.

Come back grown up, please come back!!!!

 

[GreenFrog2]

I also find a few simple affirmations can help me even though it can make me angry to do them and even though I am very unlikely to feel they will help. I find it best to not to expect to believe them when I do them. I just persevere regardless.

Thanks for this post Abstract - you say the things that I wish I could feel, think, do.

I am going to return to doing my affirmations NOW - I stopped for the same reason you stated - but I will do them in case they are going to help. I am also going to start writing my positive affirmations each day - a list of the positive things I did, even if these is only a few this really has helped me in the past! Am going to get my journal right now.

Follow up: Ha - I did the affirmations, even read them out aloud! I also listed the positives from today - not to bad really, especially as I am recognizing which emotions belong with which problem - I think that is helping me to deal with them.

It's kinda "funny" because prior to my trauma I used to do these things pretty much automatically - it's like the trauma stole them from me.......

I came out of a psych DR about two weeks ago and I am not the best candidate for this.

dearest KatB - thank you for posting, it means so much to me that someone in such a vulnerable position right now would read my post and reply. (((hugs)))) if you accept them. And take care!!!! GF.

 

[Abstract]

ou say the things that I wish I could feel, think, do.

Greenfrog,
Believe me I did not there in a day!! And I would sound very different if you got me at the wrong time. But after all these years and all the "practice":meh: I am. so much better at managing this stuff. Its been a very long haul though.

 

[discarded]

GreenFrog I hear you loud and clear. I know what it is like to feel that I just can't manage to get out of the low place we find ourselves in. I am supporter but suffer depression myself. My therapist is always saying things like you "have to do this" or "try new things", "meet new people". And all the time I am thinking, 'how do I do that, I just can't'. My plan is to just take one small step at a time. Conquer each obstacle one at a time. As for a lack of money, that is a constant stressor and probably the biggest one to resolve. Buying the odd lotto ticket just isn't working.

 

[maddog]

Hi Greenfrog.

I want to offer you some gentle reassurance that you are doing absolutely everything you can to keep yourself safe and to begin to inch yourself out of this hole. I know it's hard, but try not to aim for feeling good, or even ok, too quickly. Just aim for a little bit better, just one half point up on the old 10-point scale. When you've crashed hard, particularly for the first time, I know the feelings of almost physical bruising and battering and the sense that somehow life will never be the same again, and the belief that having been to that place once, you will inevitably go there again.
Those are deep and heavy bruises, and you have to let them take a while to begin to heal, and to not beat yourself up in the meantime about not "getting over it".

All I can say on the issue of being more likely to experience that again, is that whether or not it's true, try to hold onto the other side of the equation, that being that you've also kept yourself safe and come out on the other side of that place previously, which increases the likelihood that you will be able to do it again.

I was struck by your saying that your survival instincts abandoned you, and while I can so deeply relate to that feeling and understand what a terrifying downturn it is, I would encourage you to reflect on all the life-preserving things you did and how much they really did keep you safe. Sometimes, when we are at our lowest, it really is just our instincts we have left, and that very instinctual behaviour of seeking physical comfort and protection in your bed is an inherently life-preserving, self caring strategy. In the darkest moments, I am yet to find a better survival activity, and I have used this one often.

What you are doing here in sharing, both the good and the bad of your evolving situation, is a really really healthy and restorative thing to do. As others have said, try to acknowledge that thoughts and feelings are just thoughts and feelings and not defining characteristics of you or states of being. They will pass... they always do, and sometimes just as in the case of a violent storm, all we can do is batton down the hatches, stay still and quiet, and wait... for as long as it takes.

Your post really moved me. I hope that even if you can't feel them yet, you will file away the positive regard, encouragement and support of everyone here, for a time when it's easier to accept them. My deepest, gentlest thoughts of support are with you.

Maddog

 

[anni]

I had something else written, re-read it and deleted the stupid thing because it just wasn't clear. This is one of those fuzzy days when no matter how much you center, balance, run tools or swear the neurons just refuse to get the h*ll out of the locker room. Swine.

Abstract, that was awfully good, thank you! No Greenfrog, truly, you do not come across as a little kid, please know. Terribly depressed but nope not a child. MD also correct, hopefully you'll be able to feel the support here. I'm a little convinced that plain old validation is the single most effective tool in the PTSD box 'o tricks. The Swiss Army knife in the collection, across the board effective in all the stages of healing.

I don't mean to offer something which sounds too, too simplistic. You asked 'how' does one stop? It sounds like your depression is being fueled somewhat by one of our stupid loops, am I right? That thing where we keep returning to the same injurious thoughts, can't get away from them? Have you tried deliberate visualisations? I use a big pair of scissor/shears, with teeth, which cuts something that looks like an umbilical cord ( yes, I know, iew ) which is attaching the unwanted thoughts/PEOPLE and myself. They do not then float off into space, either, but are scooped up by God. Since it's God himself, none of my business what he does with it/them, so the conversation gets to end with that.

Visualisations are awesome. You should see how tubby my sister is in mine. :D It's not as if I can cause this to happen but boy, it puts me back into a good mood.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks anni.

You are totally correct about the validation thing - I crave comfort, reassurance and validation. Get it from anywhere I can! The posts here have been amazing in that respect. That people care and will support me is incredible as I have always had so little of this. I am getting used to believing it too, which has been pretty hard.

Yes, I am really repressed! And yes, it is caused by loops - but I have not yet been able to identify them clearly enough to be able to deal with them, and there are several which makes it harder. The old habits and conditioning are so strong that it is going to take a very long time for me to build up enough positive thinking to counter them.

Am really struggling to do any visualization at the moment - it's in the too hard basket. Although I am practicing menatl rehearsal of tasks to help me get though them.

 

[Nighthawk]

I have been struggling with severe suicidal ideation for several months now on and off. When my bouts are bad they are beyond scary.

Like others have said be proud you managed to distract the act. Be very proud that you shared.


((((((((GF)))))))

Thank you

 

[allofat]

I alway think about it. my plans are set.

 

[nimkekaa]

What are your plans allofat? Do you have a safety plan? Do you have a therapist to help you with how your feeling?

 

[anni]

I realize I come across as someone who has a decent handle on this stuff. I do not always, when there's dreck out here the PTSD goes right past 'GO', straight to down the toilet. Pre-forum it was worse. There was a default condition, not pretty, lucky to be here. I mean, I DO have a handle on it as far as being able to still be here- and genuinely think that has been because boy, you can't turn your back on the whole thing for a second assuming you're safe just because the dreck hasn't shown up for awhile. Developed a ton of respect for the tricks and lies your head offers you, good to never, ever let the guard down plus do not feel silly making a 'safe'plan and sharing it with either your therapist or a good buddy or both.

Pre-forum is kind of key, please know. Talk talk talk talk, please? Not easy, gift to yourself to try because no matter what your head is telling you, you're a gift here on the planet. That's for everyone.

 

[Abstract]

Follow up: Ha - I did the affirmations, even read them out aloud! I also listed the positives from today - not to bad really, especially as I am recognizing which emotions belong with which problem - I think that is helping me to deal with them.

It's kinda "funny" because prior to my trauma I used to do these things pretty much automatically - it's like the trauma stole them from me.......

Woo hoo!:tup::playful: Well done. yes I think trauma seems to mess around with peoples normal coping. But its good as you know what to aim for to get back!

Just dropping off some gentle support while you patiently care for yourself and recoup.