First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks Spock! I have just gotten back from it - I broke down and cried my eyes out on the way home! It went well, but???,......???? who knows what they thought! Then I got a message asking me to send them my referee's so hopefully that is a really good sign!

This took everything out of me - has done for the last week. Am exhausted and that's why I have not been here much. I am so tired and am going to have a nap now.

 

[ms spock]

Then I got a message asking me to send them my referee's so hopefully that is a really good sign!

That seems to be a good sign to me GreenFrog2!

 

[GreenFrog2]

Trauma, trauma, trauma. It's been running through my head since the interview - I just can't stop it. Can't believe how much they have damaged me. They have taken away my future. Will I be struggling with work for the rest of my life?

What they did to me was so damaging, but the aftermath has been F***ing horrific. I still can't believe that they got away with it. I hate them so much, even more I hate that they still all have jobs with good salaries and security and I have nothing. I have lost everything that I valued - and I can't find a way to get any of it back.

What if this never stops? What if things never get any better than now?

 

[GreenFrog2]

I want to rage at the world I am so F****ing angry - I want to scream and yell and let the whole world know what they did to me. I want to fight for myself but there is no one to fight against. I want people to know how much I am hurting - I want them to have to hurt as much as I do.

My head feels like it is about to explode with anger and hate and rage.

 

[amcen]

GreenFrog, it is a long time since I have answered your messages in this thread but I am reading each of them with great attention. I don't know, I just feel so close to the way you write and the way you just express directly from your heart what you are feeling and going through. As I already told you in PM, I have also to deal with my own stuff (thanks god it is not anymore as painful as it had been and now I KNOW where I am going), and you are helping me by writing and sharing here... so, a warm thank you.

Now, if you allow me, I would like to write a few things about your 2 last messages. Be very aware that these are only my opinions and feelings. Please, stop reading if anything triggers you too much in my text.

They have taken away my future.

Whatever this group of fake therapists did to you (Maybe one should stop calling them psychologists from now, but more like criminals?), I believe that absolutely no one can take away your future. But they did so that you are now in the middle of a horrific crisis, which makes you feel like there is no exit door nor future. I went through such crisis, as probably did many people in this forum. I even know that when someone tells us that there IS future for us, while we are into such crisis it sounds alien to us. But I still say it.

Will I be struggling with work for the rest of my life?

No I don't think you will, it just may take a lot of time to not struggle anymore and to even enjoy your job with no negative backthoughts anymore. The problem for now is that you are absolutely exhausted and you need mental as well as physical rest more than anything else, and yet you can't stop working or/and searching for a job, because of money. So of course you are hugely struggling with work, no surprise here... But to my opinion, it is surely not for the rest of your life!

I hate them so much, even more I hate that they still all have jobs with good salaries and security and I have nothing.

You hate them and THAT is good, please don't feel any shame about that! Not feeling ashamed about your feeling of hate against people who hurt you seems to me a VERY good thing! Some people struggle for years before they can at last blame with no feeling of shame the one(s) who hurt them, as if they had to blame themselves for having been hurt. On the other hand, life is not fair, that is something to admit as it is, I mean not to agree with that unfairness of course, but what else can we do but to admit that these people are still ok while they hurt you so much and maybe made you lose everything. BUT, and there is a big BUT... These people may pay for that sooner or later. One example: I know that some international associations exist in the world, specialized in these type of things (like fighting sects etc.). Maybe something can be done and will be done.

What if this never stops? What if things never get any better than now?

What if things calm down? What if things get better one of these days? Can anyone answer to either your or my questions... For my part, that you get the job you want or not, I see it as VERY POSSIBLE that the things get better than now. Nothing is stuck, never ever. Only my feeling. Again, I know that may seem alien to you right now.

I want to scream and yell and let the whole world know what they did to me.

Please feel free to do so as soon as you feel ready for that.

My head feels like it is about to explode with anger and hate and rage.

So, maybe it is time for you to start and get some relief at last by telling part or all of your story? I guess you have to do it only if it does not make things worse in you, only you know.

My heart is with you, please forgive me if I ever have said things that I shouldn't have said.

It is the first time I am giving personal opinions and ideas, not only hearing and expressing some understanding. It makes me feel like I could hurt people by doing so, I deeply hope it has not been the case with you or with whoever reads this message. I feel I am taking a risk with this message. But I would so much like you to feel supported without any doubt. I know so well how loneliness is like absolute horror when we live such times.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Amcen,

Your words have been so good for me to read. You have such a positive perspective on things - a view that I have been too scared to take out of fear of being damaged even more. A small part of me knows that what you say is healthy and it would be good for me to fully believe these things.

Yes! I am in the middle of a crisis - it seems never ending. I break all the things that I need to do down into small tasks - but even then the horror and fear can take over in an instant. A small thing takes more out of me than I have and leaves me more tired and frightened and thinking that the crisis will never end.

The thought of living my life like this - with everyday being such a struggle makes me feel physically sick. Having to cope and never seeming to be able to have any kind of fun or enjoyment just drains me more and more.

I am trying so hard to hate them, but to not let the hate take over who I am. I am so frightened, and this is of two things. One is that they will never leave me alone, and as a consequence things will never get any better. This makes me terribly afraid to even try and re-build my life. I am trying to but every little step is filled with fear. And the other is that I am so exhausted, as you have noted - this just makes dealing with every challenge even harder. Even doing things to help myself to get better make me so very tired. Being tired is another kind of trauma (only a little t one) but it's everyday and it gets so bad that it hurts.

This is what makes me want to scream - and I do! When I am driving in my car sometimes I just scream and scream.

I have written my story in my journal - I leave it there. I don;t want it in this part of my life - I don;t want it in my future. When I can I write more about it in my journal - one day maybe I will have processed the whole thing well enough to be leave it in the past.

Thank you for you reply - it has helped me to think more on this and to acknowledge my feelings - always a good thing!

And I do need to say that if this is the first time that you have offered personal opinions and ideas, then you have done a great job. I love your calm view and it has made me feel understood and supported so very much.

Feel free to comment on my posts any time you like!

I came here this morning after nearly 3 hours of being awake and keeping myself petty calm! That's good for me after waking early (3am)! I was calm on waking, and did not let my thoughts run away from me. I am sure that this is due to my meditation finally starting to work well. It has taken 3 months, but I think that it is becoming a part of my thinking and so stops me from going from sleep to fast forward.

When I started to think, I checked my facebook - it is always grounding for me to see what friends have been up to, and then I turned the radio on to keep myself distracted. This works for a bit, but sometimes a song will come on that upsets me - which happened (of course) and the DJ's can get pretty annoying at times as well. So I listened to my meditation recording and that helped me to relax and rest for another hour or so!

Then I really woke up - yuk! I have to face the day :( :eek: :cautious: :poop: :banghead: :bawling:

I have been working on the doing 'one thing at a time thing' and then breaking each task down into parts - it is what I used to do, and I know that it works, but I am so tired and scared that at this time of the day it is totally over whelming.

I wish that I could have a year off - away from my own life - then maybe I would feel ok and could get on with living!

Message to self: Learn from the past. Plan for the future. Live in the present.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Live in the present? hahahahaha! My present is a flow between panic attacks and trying to calm myself down. Another panic attack and calming myself, and again and again.

I am so so very lonely - I want a companion here in the physical world to hold me and reassure me - to help me feel grounded. I need this so much and don't have anything of the sort. All that I can do I hold my hug pillow and day dream that one day I will have a man who cares enough to just hold me while I cry.

I am waiting to hear back about the job - if I get it I will find a way to cope because I will have to.

If I don't get it? I don't know! What will I be able to do to take care of myself - how will I survive even more stress? I wish there was someone to help me - I hate being like this so much and want to get better, but I need to be in a situation that allows me to be safe and secure so that I can care for myself.........

 

[GreenFrog2]

I think I wrote in "how do you feel today" when I was here yesterday - I felt pretty bad: tense, panicked, frightened, exhausted, afraid, lonely etc, etc, etc.....

I am not so tense as yesterday, but still exhausted. I have had an email from my dad and he was 'kind' in it. He actually said that I can just tell him what I want, when I am ready to. Not sure if I can believe him or not! Frightened to, but I have to move forward with this, so I sent him a letter that I had been writing. It just gives a bit of a summery of what I have been though and lets him know how much I need to be in touch with him and my brothers.

Now I have to wait and see what his response is - yuk, the waiting is pretty bad. I feel as if I don't work out things with him, then the other members of the family will not have contact with me - just feels like a very unhealthy kind of pressure......

He even offered to talk on the phone, and later on come and see me - not ready for either of these things yet!!!

Am also very worried about the extra / new work that I have just got. Am very glad that I have it, but it is going to be pretty stressful while I get used to it. the last thing that I need is more stress!!!!!!!

I am having an easy day today because I need it so much!!!!!

 

[GreenFrog2]

the silence in itself has triggered of being left alone in so much pain as a kid.

This is so true winterose :(

I was always left alone as a child - the more I hurt from being alone, the more I was punished by being left alone, so the more I hurt.

Now I am alone as an adult I am overcome with the remembered pain of this. On top of the pain I feel as an adult who is all alone. It makes me hate my parents so much. I keep thinking of the the horrible things that were said, and done to me, that I was punished because they were hurt by whatever was hurting them.

I am feeling all of this right now - and contact with my dad has made this so much worse. I remember so many times that he stopped good things from happening for me - and I don;t know why. I don't know if I will ever be able to ask him and I don't know if I would believe any answer that he gave.

So why bother? Mostly I don't want to bother. But it will hurt me forever that he did so many things so stop me from having a good life. I hate remembering the things he said and did and the things that he never said / didn't do. IT rips me up inside - he must have been so full of hate - but why take it out on me????

Now I am trying to re-connect with my family I have to deal with him first - it looks like no one else will engage with me until he has had his turn. I am totally terrified of where this will lead to, it has been bad enough having to give him so details about my adult trauma. I also told him that what I had written was all that I would say - I don't want to have to go over and over it and I won't.

What do I do if he wants to talk about our history - I feel as if there is nothing that he can say that will ever make up for what happened back then.

I was a child and he should have protected me.

Even when I was older he did things to sabotage my life - this is why I ended up "running away". So much destruction of me and the things that I was trying to achieve - he didn't make life easy for my brothers either - but I lost the most. I am jealous of them for this, but glad also that they did OK for themselves.

I am so stressed about all of this that I have a migraine. I want to be well, and I want some peace - please tell me when it will come?

I can't leave and I am so filled with shame.

Why has this always happened to me - people take whatever I manage to build from my life. I try to protect myself and try to work hard and I am a good woman, but as soon as things get to being OK someone comes along and destroy's everything.

I am trying to not imagine where I would be if all of these things had not happened. I hate to think about how good life would be. How nice and peaceful my life would be if I had not be damaged by so many evil people and so many bad, bad things happening.

I have to stop this. I am going to have two pain killers and then take my migraine to bed.

Wanted: peace, peace, peace.

 

[winterose]

I think you are about to have a break through Greenfrog. From what I have seen in your postings you identified several of your triggers, needs, and wants. That is huge. Now wait..look back and see...look what being in the pain for the moment brought out...You posted several things to me that are hugely significant here.

 

[Whitneys story]

I so agree with Winterose. You have every right to be angry at the "criminals".

Something I learned from my therapist years ago was to write a letter to each one that invalidated me. It was my choice to mail or not. It was also my choice to sign or not.

I found this to be an excellent way to begin the process. To get the anger to the surface, which allowed me to know it was real. I mailed them, unsigned. I know I was not the only one they abused with their power. I wish I could be a fly on the wall.

You should be exhausted, I believe you have been moving mountains! :tup: Whitney

 

[GreenFrog2]

A breakthrough? What breakthrough? I wish I could really understand what you both mean - I feel like I am going around and around in circles - re-thinking the same things over and over, but not getting anywhere. What is it that I am supposed to be seeing here?

Is it the anger? But I am always angry! I write in my journal and I speak to all of the "criminals" I tell them how much I hate them - I tell the universe.

look what being in the pain for the moment brought out

Please tell me what you mean - all I can see if more pain and suffering and confusion - what do you see????

You posted several things to me that are hugely significant here.

What are they - please tell me! I am hurting to much to see for myself and I have no one to help me.

winterose and Whitney's story - please, please tell me what you mean. What is this breakthrough? I need you to help me with this, because I don't understand! Can you at least ask me questions that will lead me to seeing what you see?